Thursday, October 27, 2011

the root of all evil

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with all kinds of griefs." 1 timothy 6:10

I have been trying to remember this verse in my head for basically since I quit my job. Money can be the root of all kinds of evil, but it can also be used for good as long as it is used in the right way. Money given to God is good, after all it is all His anyway, money for charity is good, money is good for many things. However, I am more concerned about the evil part of money right now. The part that is causing me to potentially wander or not really wander but be unsteady in my faith. The part that makes me cry and be mad at people for no good reason. The part that fills me with all kinds of grief.

Particularly, this week, the first week I've been in Indiana with my mom and and all my bills are coming due and there is no money and mom has no money and on and on has this verse been very prevalent in my mind. Especially since the bills keep coming and there is no hope of having an actual income coming in soon. I am in the process of applying for disability but that takes a while and will probably be denied. I'm not allowed to work yet at a real like job where you are scheduled to work. I can't get unemployment because I moved out of state. I did, however, attempt to start and hope it takes off my own tutoring business so that I can make some money that way but it won't be much, at least it will be something. But, it is near impossible to start your own business in this economy anyway, especially if you know virtually no one in the town you are trying to start it in.

So right now I feel worthless and I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. I know in my head that it is not my fault I am sick, it is not my fault I can't work, it's not my fault. However, I know it is my fault that I didn't have a savings account because I wasn't a good steward of my money before this happened, I know it's my fault that I have so many bills, I know it's my fault that I don't want to let my car go. I also know it is not my mom's fault or my insert other relatives fault that I am in this situation either, but they are the ones that are attempting, though not successfully enough to bail me out of this situation that I am in and that is what makes me feel the most guilty and worthless of all.

I am a 26 year old person that has a college degree and almost has a masters degree that, through circumstances (some controllable and some uncontrollable), has ended back up in her mother's house. My mom worked for the federal government for 35+ years and retired with recognition. My mom worked so hard to give me and my sister a good life while being a single parent in a horribly rich and stuck up town, even though we weren't rich or stuck up. My mom now is working part time after her retirement not because she wants too (although she thoroughly enjoys her job) but because she has too because she is now paying her bills, the student loans she took out on us to put us in college so both me and my sister could not work jobs in our degree area, and then take us back into her home years later and pay our adult bills because we are not able too. I used to not enjoy my mother, I used to not understand why we didn't have the things we wanted, why we weren't as cool as the other kids, why we didn't get brand new hummers when we turned 16 and why she was always so tired and didn't do things with us. Now I know it's because my mom spent her life making sure that me and my sister had everything we NEEDED and more, to make sure that we could be educated, and to make sure that we knew we could come home if we needed too.

I know that I don't want to be here, and I know that I feel guilty and worthless, and I know that I have bills that are unbelievable right now that are due in 4 days that we have no idea how they are going to get paid. But I know that it is okay because God and my mom love me. I think my sister loves me most of the time and I know I have friends and family that love me.

I know that some of my friends I have pissed off lately. But I'm hoping by being this open and honest in my blog that I just put everything out there that they can understand why. I have grown up my entire life around rich, stuck up people that flaunt there money all over the place and buy new hummers on a whim for their 16 year old kids to total then buy them a new one next day or the like. And I have never been rich ever and it always hurts...deep...because I don't know how someone can work so dang hard and never have any money...and I don't know how someone like me can be living one month thinking I'm poor making 33000 dollars a year and the next month literally have nothing in her bank account and be so okay with it...until someone asks why there is no money then it is a big deal...except to can be the root of all evil...and money can shake your faith...but money can also do good...and i'm hoping for the good...eventually...hopefully it will work out...and hopefully my friends can forgive me when I'm in this rebuilding process and understand a little bit where I am coming from...and understand that sometimes things aren't what they seem and sometimes words are interpreted wrong...and sometimes people are trying the hardest they can and they have a fake smile on their face and they are acting like they have it all together, but they are very hurt inside and vulnerable and you have to treat them like porcelain dolls because one wrong move and they will break but that isn't your fault it's my fault because I'm the one that is messed up and hurt...even though I have a smile on my face and am trying the hardest I can...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


So I haven't posted at all since I left Salisbury, rode across the country, moved into my mom's house and sat here for 2 days wondering what to do.

We weren't able to fit everything I had into the minivan and my car. But we were only not able to get some books and one of my chairs into the vehicles and a friend is storing them for me until I come back in December. Then we took off. We drove all the way to London, Kentucky and we had fun besides the whole being stuck in the car thing. We had a lot of fun in the hotel room on Saturday night then Sunday we woke up and finished driving to Indiana. Sunday was not as good of a day. I was in a lot of pain and I really wanted to be at church. But it was ok. We got here and we unpacked the car and basically we all crashed. The weekend was so exhausting. I still haven't been able to do much but sleep the past 2 days.

My muscles are hurting pretty bad and none of my unpacking is done besides my bed and tv. Not everything is going to fit in my room, or my closet. Not everything is probably even going to fit in the house...but it will be ok. Tomorrow I plan to tackle some stuff of unpacking and hope that I can get some other stuff done around town.

I've been adjusting ok, but I definitely had my first real breakdown on Sunday night when I saw how much stuff I still have and how much space I don't have. I've been doing better day by day emotionally though.

It was a rough weekend to move anyway because even though I was going 'home' I've never actually lived here. It is where my mom grew up, but I've only visited here a handful of times. This is not my home. My home is in Salisbury where I found myself, where I moved to because I went to college there and it was homecoming weekend. All my friends were coming back in town and all their facebook status updates were like homecoming yay...and I was like hey I'm moving across the country today away from my home where I know no one besides my cruel...

Anyways, the day I was shopping with wifey in downtown Salisbury like the week I got out of the hospital we went to Critters which is a unique gift shop. Randomly I noticed that they had like Salisbury memorabilia and I looked at it. One of the things was one of those little wooden signs that have cutsey sayings on them and one of them said Salisbury: Home is where your journey begins" Of course, I had to buy it because in a lot of ways my journey began in Salisbury. I found out who I was, I found a career, I lived on my own, bought a car, moved somewhere where I knew no one and found a life. I needed that sign to put in my new home to remind me that as long as I'm on a journey I'm at home. As long as I am doing what God needs me to do I am home. Because as much as people think it's true my home really isn't Salisbury, Charleston, Maryland; or Terre Haute,Indiana. My real home, the only home that matters, is Heaven. And I haven't gotten there yet physically but my spirit is there and because of that any place that is currently 'home' can be my home because God will get me through it and I know that in the long scheme of things it is only temporary, I will be home one day soon...and I will get to stay there for eternity with no threat of being uprooted. I can't wait for the ultimate homecoming celebration :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

better than i deserve

Today was my last day in Salisbury for a while and it certainly was a busy one...I got up and went to the chiropractor to get adjusted and then got coffee from Port City Java. Then I came home and Deborah met me at my house and we cleaned and packed for quite a long time. Well she cleaned and I packed and got worn out and tired. I packed the stuff for the church for someone to come and pick it up. Once we had gotten a fair amount of the kitchen clean we went out to lunch at OCharley's and it was really good.

Then we stopped by Catawba and I got the money for the laptop I sold to one of my old professors. Then we went back and cleaned and packed some more. Then I had to be in like 5 places at once but it all worked out. I had to go to the post office because I had a certified letter I had to pick up. Then I had someone that needed me to drop off my blender, pick up my washer and dryer and pick up the stuff for the church, and someone that wanted me to drop off my barstools all at the same time. All while I am not even at my apartment because the line at the post office was ridiculously long and I knew I needed to get that letter since I am leaving tomorrow. Well let me tell you how God works. I left the post office Rick calls me and says he is on his way to my apartment. Crystal the person who bought my washer and dryer and we weren't sure how we were going to move it calls me and says she is headed to my apartment, right when Rick is on his way there with his son. So I knew that I had someone to help move the washer and dryer. So the washer and dryer are gone and the church stuff is gone. The person I was supposed to meet at the mall to give my blender agreed to just come to the church and the person getting the barstools was running late so that wasn't an issue either. Then I still had to go get my oil changed so I ran the barstools down to her house and went to get my oil changed. Then I dropped some stuff off at goodwill then went to Janna's house to eat dinner.

We ate dinner and talked and hung out and had fun. Her kids are so cute and I am so sad that I am going to have to miss most of their like major growing up. By the time I come back officially Grayson will be in school how crazy is that. I was there the day both of her kids were born. I can't believe how much they have both grown. Anyways. I still have stuff to pack and I am still hyperventilating pretty often wondering if all the stuff I have is going to fit in the vehicles even though I know it will because God will make everything I need fit...even though that may mean I need to get rid of some more stuff tomorrow...because I said I know He will make everything I need fit not everything I want and I have plenty of what I want right now, not just what I need. I can't imagine what I did with all the rest of that stuff that I had beforehand. Right now all my possessions fit in my living room and there is still space to walk and I am not even keeping some of the stuff that is still in I really don't have much...but I still have way more than I need and most of it is stuff that I want.

So even though I sit here, blogging, and contemplating how I can possibly think about sleeping part of my last 10 hours in my beloved Salisbury away...I realize that despite all the bad, despite the fact that I have to leave my home...I am better than I deserve, blessed abundantly, and one of the richest people in the world not because of my finances obviously (although I did manage to make almost an entire months salary by selling my stuff...go God) but because I have the biggest support system a girl could ask for. And I know that I have friends that love me and will continue to support me no matter where I am, and I know that no matter what Salisbury is my home...and it always will be part of me, even if the plan doesn't work out and I don't get to come back ever after tomorrow...this beloved town will always be my first official home and I will always have the fondest memories of her :)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

have fun at college

Today was a long, long day. It started out as a great feeling day. I slept all the way through the night for the first time in months last 8.5 straight hours of sleep...unheard of. Then I went and took some stuff to Catawba and got some coffee. Then came home and Amber met me here and we cleaned.

Now my entire bedroom is empty and the floor is done in there, my bathroom is like spotless compared to what it was and there is only stuff I need in there until we leave on Saturday and my fridge/freezer got cleaned out. We had some fun while we did it too. It is getting to real now. I am not enjoying much of my time anymore, I am trying to stay positive but it isn't really working. I just am gonna miss this place so much and the people I have become friends with. It really is amazing that I moved here 7 years ago not knowing a single person and have managed to find so many people that genuinely love and support me. Anyways...

After cleaning, I went back to Catawba to deliver some more of my teaching stuff, talk to some professors, and catch up with mommy #2, Rose Ann, the music department secretary that I did workstudy for. I will miss her a lot too. But we got to talk for about 2 hours and it was good and I will see her when I come back to visit too. Then I came home delivered something else to someone else that I sold. Then I got ready for my dinner for my Sunday school class/random people.

It was really wonderful. There were so many people that came up and I got to see some people for the last time. Angela and Russ and the handbells got me a thing with tons of gluten free cookies in it for the car ride home. Angela said she made sure there was lots of chocolate in it, a girl after my own heart. :) I got some other pretty awesome gifts too, but I'm not going to call any of them out on here...but they know :) I managed not to cry much and have some fun though it was hard. And I ate my entire salad...and if you've ever seen a salad from Palm's you know that is quite a feat, but not for me, eater extraordinaire. Some of my church friends are joking that this is almost like they are sending me off to college because right now the plan is to go home, get better, go to school, come back and get a job. So lots of people are like it's just like you're going to yeah that is how we are trying to look at it. So in one of my cards from dinner tonight, this person wrote, "You are a dear sister in Christ and I am so excited for the plans that God has for you next! So 'have fun at college' and hurry home!" When I read her card and saw her gift (thank you, thank you, thank you) that is when I lost it. But it was a good cry. It was a cry where I realized how much I am loved and supported and cared for her. And made me realize that even though I won't be here in person I know that people will be praying for me and hoping that I can come 'home' soon. I know that I am going home technically to be with my family. But I've never lived where I'm moving. I don't know people there but my family. It's cold and I don't like cold. And I am sure I will make it homey for the time I am there, and I'm sure I'll have enjoyable times. But everyone who knows me knows that this town is my home. I just hope I get to come back like the plan is now.

Tomorrow is my last full day in my 'home' and the day after that I am going 'home''s gonna be a long, emotional next couple of days, but it is all part of the story. All part of God doing what He needs to do to make this a beautiful story and to make me a beautiful, healthy person. God will be there, and I will cry, but it's ok, hey even Jesus wept :) Tomorrow will be cleaning running errands, etc and hanging out with some friends. Then Saturday we are packing up and moving. I am definitely sad, but I just have to keep reminding myself it is God's plan...or is at least appearing that way so I guess I should just get ready for the ride...and don't stop believing...'

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It''s not really goodbye...sort of...

Yesterday was a great day. I felt good. I got my hair cut and it looks good. I hung out with Misty after she finished cutting my hair. Then I went to lunch with my friend Kim at Palms and the food was good and we talked and talked and talked for 3 hours. We don't get to get together very often and this was the last time we would get to get together for a while so we had a lot to talk about. It was so much fun and she is such an encouraging and uplifting person. She genuinely, actively listens and cares for you when you are in her presence. The very first time I went to the hospital with all this almost 2 years ago, when I got out she took care of me. I went and lived in her basement for a couple of days and she was my "mommy" and she cooked for me and it was awesome. Since then we have done the living Christmas tree together, we have chaperoned at Caswell together, we have talked and we have had many hugs and encouraging moments. She is awesome. After our 3 hour lunch we parted ways, but she said she would stop by my big farewell dinner tomorrow night and if she doesn't I'll see her in December when I come back.

After lunch I had coffee with the teacher that when I did YoungLife Capernaum, the kids in that group were in her classroom. Those kids are the ones that made me want to be a speical ed teacher and if teaching was all about those kids and my kids that I taught I would still want to be a special ed teacher. But that is not what teaching is about. Teaching is about rules, regulations, paperwork, staff meetings, deadlines, doing things you wouldn't normally do to please your supervisor, more paperwork, staff developments, parents yelling at you, teachers yelling at you, media mis-portraying you and all the hard work you've put in (sometimes), leaving no child behind which really leaves EVERY child behind, money, testing, and then a little bit about the kids. This is not what teaching should be about, but it is. I am sure I will find some of this when I become a dietitian, but probably not as much. Anyways. Karen and I had coffee for 2.5 hours. We talked about the serious trouble our educational system is in, why it is ok that she made me fall in love with teaching and now I'm not doing it, and how I can still work with these kids. After talking to her I realized, maybe for the first actual time, that I really am ok without teaching. I had been saying it to people and been saying it to myself, but after some of the stuff she has told me has happened in the short month and a half I've been out I am so freaking happy I am not a teacher anymore. Amen. And then I gave her some stuff from my classroom that she could use. Then we hugged and promised to keep up.

After all this I was completely exhausted and my throat hurt, which some people have determined the cause to be all the talking I've been doing lately with all my lunches/dinners/coffees, etc. So I rested until about 2 oclock today. Today I went to lunch with Amanda one of my friends. She used to work at my favorite coffee shop which is no longer my favorite coffee shop but I still go there some. And she is also a Catawba student. Her mom goes to my church and has been an amazing help with the move as well as Amanda and just someone who I could tell is genuinely nice all the time. She would always ask Amanda to ask how I was doing when she worked at the coffee shop. So we had lunch and talked and had fun.

Then I went over to Misty's house and had the last "family" dinner with her and the kids, which turned into me and her and Katie because Bradie was in a really bad mood and sick and so he went to his room. We decided it would be best to tell the kids goodbye now, while we were alone together, and it wasn't as sad yet. So I won't see them until Decemeber, but that is ok. It will come fast. Then I went to church. I saw a lot of my favorite people in the world for the last time today but it is ok because I will see them again soon. It was so hard because they would leave in like waves so it was like every 5 minutes for a while there person would come up and hug me and be like goodbye, then random person would come up and hug me and say goodbye, and so on. But most of that happened in the library and there is chocolate in there so I only got teary eyed once and the tootsie rolls fixed that right up. And now I'm home. There is still a ton of stuff that needs to be done before I leave. Including more packing, cleaning, etc. But there are people coming to help me Thursday and Friday so hopefully it will all get done well enough to leave on Saturday. I can't believe it is so close...but that just means we are that much closer to December :)

Monday, October 17, 2011


Yesterday, I thought when I went to church I would cry the entire time because it was the last time I was going to get to go for a while. But I didn't, I held it together, and I worshiped God. It was a good church service, there was a good vibe. We sang "Blessed be the name of the Lord" and the preacher started us clapping, which never happens at my church. But it did yesterday, because God knew I needed to praise God in a more exuberant way and knew that I wouldn't do it on my own. Yesterday at church was also good because the Sunday school lesson and the sermon were both on trusting God to provide for your every need even when you have nothing but only if you give. I know this know more than ever. And it seems to be working out for me. I definitely don't have money to be giving right now but I have stuff to give and I have time to give and every time I do I get money in return. And it has been amazing to see how God has provided for every need as I've needed it. Not a second before and not a second after. My God is an on time God.

Speaking of on time God and providing for every need. As of last week we weren't sure that my insurance was going to get approved. If I don't have continuous health insurance coverage I have pre-existing conditions and then my insurance sky rockets like close to or over 1000 dollars a month. I was also really worried because I had to get my treatment on Friday (which I've mentioned is around 5000 dollars per time) and I technically didn't have health insurance for it since the paperwork hadn't gone through yet. But I got my new insurance cards today with an effective date of 10/13/11, the day before my treatment...yeah...God is on time...always.

I also got rid of (sold) my futon today and have a very possible buyer for my washer and dryer :) They are both giving me less than what I was asking but they needed them and I needed them gone. So that is what happens. They are happy and I am sort of happy.

Today or yesterday really I started the process of saying "goodbye". I went to lunch with someone who has been my friend and involved in like a trillion clubs with me and then went to church with me since my freshman year of college. She is really the only person I still keep up with college except through reading facebook status updates. Like really keep up with. Then tonight I went to dinner with a large portion of my church family. My friends that I usually go out to lunch with every Sunday, my deacon, my friend Angela who I worked with at Catawba and who invited me to First Baptist (thank you, who knew how much the church would mean to me later), and my friend Mary Ann who I helped with Capernaum YoungLife, the challenge team for upward basketball, and she helped me with a lot too when I went through my many hard times. Most of these people I will see on Wednesday night some of them I won't but all of them I dearly love with all of my heart. Many of them have helped shape me into who I am today, and they all have supported me financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically at one point or another. These are very special people and I really hope we stay in touch while I'm gone and they are all still here when I come back.

Now after writing all this I am crying for the first time today, but not the last time this week I guarantee it. I've already decided this week will be one of the most emotionally and mentally exhausting weeks I've ever had. I barely have any free time because of all the people that are trying to see me or that I want to see before I leave.

I just have to remember two things for now:
1) I will be back, I will (finance and health permitting) in fact be back for a week in only a month and a half.
2) I saw this Bible verse today and it seems very applicable and pertinent..."As for God, His way is perfect" Psalm 18:30 This doesn't mean half way done or His timing is almost right. PERFECT. Everything that is happening to me right now, in this moment is PERFECT because God ordained it, therefore it has to be. And that, my friends, is truth that I can rest in tonight and gives me the strength to say goodbye to more very special people tomorrow with.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Good friends and good food

Yesterday after my treatment I over to a long, lost friends house for dinner and she made the most amazing black bean and shrimp burrito thingies but I ate mine with tortilla chips since I can't have tortillas. Also, one of my other long lost friends and her beau came to dinner too. While we were eating we sat on the front porch and then stayed there for several hours just talking about all kinds of stuff including social issues and reminiscing about fun times of days gone by. I never really realized exactly how long 7 years is...the memories we were talking about seemed so long ago yet 7 years doesn't seem like that much time. How did that happen?

Anyways, I got home and was of course completely exhausted, after all I had just been out of my house for 10 consecutive hours for the first time since I had been released from the hospital and that my friends is a long time even if you aren't sick. Last night was a bad night and today has been a worse day, but like always I have trudged through it and managed to get out some.

Today I have been in pretty extreme pain, been running a fever of about 99.9 almost all day and been completely exhausted to the point of almost not being able to get out of bed. I have also been way more achy in my muscles than I have been in the past which was odd, because the achyness really just started going away about 2 days ago, guess it is back with a vengeance. And my stomach has been on fire. However, one of my friends posted on facebook that she had 2 extra tickets in the reserved section for the Catawba game today and I really wanted to go already because I won't get to go to any more games til when/if I move back here, plus I am totally bummed that I have to miss homecoming next week because we are leaving about an hour before the game starts :( Anyways, I couldn't pass up the free tickets and I drug my sorry, weak, in pain but to the game and I had fun the first half. I also really wanted to go because I was in the inaugural year of the Catawba Pride drum-line as the cymbal captain and it has since evolved into a pep band, and now a full fledged marching band (this season) with drill and a color guard and uniforms and I hadn't seen their field show yet and really wanted to see the first years field show really bad. So into the second quarter a bit I had to go to the I went and then came back and loved the band's show, they looked and sounded amazing. Then the 3rd quarter starts and I'm like ok I can make it it will be ok. Then the pain comes and it is intense, I had seen several people from church there so I asked around for some tylenol and found some (I can't take advil or asprin because it can mess with my colitis so it has to be tylenol). But the pain isn't going away and I'm getting very cold which is weird since I have a fever. Then the fourth quarter starts and the game is tied mind you 21-21 and I just can't take it anymore but I don't want to leave until someone anyone scores so I can see how the last quarter may go. But I was in too much pain, so I get all my stuff together and leave while on the way to the car Mars Hill scores a touchdown. When I get home to check the score it is tied again 28-28 and they are going into overtime. Mars Hill ended up winning by a field goal but they are also the only undefeated team in the SEC right now so Catawba definitely put up a fight and I made it through 3.25 quarters of the game, which is honestly more than I expected. And the seats were great, thanks Dee! :)

So then I came home and took a nap before dinner which was at my friend that also came to dinners last night's house tonight. Tonight was a dinner party so there were about 15 people there, most of them kids and it was a blast. Not to mention the adult meal was chicken Parmesan, eggplant Parmesan, pasta, salad, and broccoli/cheese casserole and it was all delicious. I said I wasn't going to stay very long but ended up staying about 4 hours. When I am around other people I lose track of time and I really don't hurt as bad when I'm out and about. I was definitely still in some significant pain and the 3 people that were at the dinner the night before could definitely tell a difference in my demeanor and could tell I felt bad. Now I am laying in bed trying to get this written because I promised I would write every day...stuffed to the max...and feeling like a pile of crap.

I really hope I will feel tons better in the morning because there is no way I am missing my last opportunity to go to FBC-Salisbury for a while. I can't believe that I am leaving at the end of this week and won't be here another Sunday. But it is true. I have to accept it and move on and trust God in His plan. I have been so spoiled by great food and friends this past week and will totally continue to be throughout this week. I have almost all my meals planned with very special people. I can't wait to totally rock out this last week in Salisbury, after all I can rest when I get to Indiana, right? Isn't that why I am going there? I suppose I should rest some here too...but for right now I am going to focus on the happy times that will come this week and the good friends and good food and not think about what is happening at the end of the week as much as possible.

Friday, October 14, 2011


So today is the day that I say is my official date of being saved. I had been in and out of church and helped with stuff but had never really had a relationship with God, or at least no where near the way I did now. I am not sure I even believed in God, but I definitely do now. Especially right now. So anyways, eight years ago today, I went to an amazing church named St Andrews-Mount Pleasant to a Wednesday night service which is now, I don't remember if it was then, called Face2Face. It is a service that is full of contemporary music, dance, people painting pictures that are 'inspired', preaching, teaching, testimonies, and friends, and of course food because what church event is not complete without food. I went with my all time, ever, favorite teacher who taught me more about life and how to live it than she did about environmental science, which was a ton. I still keep in contact with her and love that we have developed a friendship that has survived moves and busyness. I credited her then with saving my life, at least my happiness in I credit doctors and God with saving my life. October 14th will always be my favorite day of the year.
When most people are asked what their favorite holiday is they usually say their birthday or Christmas or Thanksgiving, mine is always October 14th, my re-birthday. At that church service, when I was feeling so down on myself and depressed, which I think is pretty normal for any teenage girl who thinks the entire world sucks and is against her and nothing at all is going right (even though she is really blessed beyond belief), I felt God. This was not a normal church, this church was hopping. People were dancing, praising, raising their hands worshiping their God. People had this look of joy on their faces I had never seen before. I could tell that there was a God and He was in this place. The "teaching" was something about people who think they can't be saved and can't be forgiven and seemed to speak directly to me. Then the praise team played the song "Open the Eyes of my Heart Lord" and I literally felt God beside me holding my hand and I knew that I needed to have a relationship with the God that these people were worshiping, the God that was in this place.
When I decided to attend Catawba officially in February of 2004, I immediately began counting down the number of times I would get to attend the 'best church ever'. Now after being in Salisbury for 7 years, almost my entire 'Christian' walk time and attending the 'best church ever' for the past five years in First Baptist Salisbury, I am faced with counting the number of times I get to go and the sadness that fills my heart when I think about having to leave it. Side note: in my mind both St Andrews and First Baptist are both the 'best church ever' still because they were the best church for me at the place I was in my walk with Jesus. I needed the on fire passion in the beginning so that I would stay hooked and engaged and soak it up. I needed the deep theology and preaching and family of First Baptist now. But I know that God will find me a new "best church ever" in Terre Haute, maybe this is God's way of telling me that I am at a new place in my walk with Jesus, maybe I needed to be forced to move so I found a new church where I can grow more spiritually. Maybe I got to complacent in Salisbury. Maybe I wasn't focused enough on my relationship with God. I feel like the past month in a half I have gotten so much closer to God it isn't even funny, and that wouldn't have happened with out all these trials.
When I was eating lunch with a friend the other day she said I am amazed at your ability to stay positive and focused on God when you have been through so much in your life when I have it pretty good and I can see blessings all over the place and have a hard time even getting up to go to church or spend time with God, I don't get it. I told her that it's probably because I have to be focused on God all the time to get me through it. It's like the story I posted on Monday about the paralytic when Jesus says at the end of the story in Luke 5:31-32, " The healthy don't need a doctor, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." We do need Jesus/God when things are going well but we don't always remember it, the past almost 2 years now I have needed God to get through every single second of every single day. To give me the strength to get out of bed, to give me the ability not to focus on my disease every second, to give me the courage not let it identify me. Eight years ago I would not have thought like this, eight years ago I was so immature in my faith and so immature in general. I am joyful and peaceful in this journey because that is what God calls us to do...and because i know that the church is a hospital for sinners and I am one and I also know that it is a hospital for the sick and He will heal me.
As I write this, I am at my favorite-sarcasm-place ever...the hospital, CMC Northeast, where I almost died. But I am celebrating my re-birthday, I am also celebrating a different kind of almost re-birthday. I am getting my treatment that makes me feel all better. That will hopefully heal my colon enough for me to not have to have it removed. It takes about 3 or 4 hours so I figured I could do this while I was receiving it. My treatments are a very expensive drug (5000 per infusion) that I get on a regular basis. I was receiving them every 2 months now this is the second one in 2 weeks. They just told me I need to get another one in 6 weeks. Then we will see about 2 months. But right now this is the only hope until we start the new drugs in Indiana for healing my colon...and it works pretty well. I am convinced the only reason I got so sick is because we had to postpone my last Remicade because of the surgery I had in August, we got off schedule and that caused more damage. And God is in the healing business, so this will work. Plus the fact that since my last one 2 or 3 weeks ago I feel SO much better in terms of my stomach issues, not some other stuff, but the stomach is great. I am still having symptoms but no where near as many. So all these hospital visits and dr's appointments and medications and things like that really are like mini re-birthdays in themselves, the day they tell me I am healed enough to not need these treatments or to not worry about the surgery anymore will be another day that will be my favorite day of the year when asked. I don't know when my health re-birthday will be because we don't know when the dr's will tell me that, but hopefully it will be soon. The doctor just told me that surgery is not off the radar yet but if I stick with my Remicade and steroids and make sure to eat right and take care of myself it could be, at least for a while. So that is the plan, to get to have a new re-birthday. To get to see my Father that is in the business of miracles show off again and heal my body. I know it is easy for Him and I know He could have done it by now, but I know He is doing it this way to teach me something and protect me and I wouldn't have it any other way. So today I am celebrating my spiritual re-birthday and hoping and praying for my physical re-birthday expectantly, trusting God the entire way with joy and peace. :)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

be still and know that I am God

So...anyone that knows me knows that I've never been a lay in bed, watch tv, play on the computer ALL day type of person. In fact I've never been a be in my apartment more than an hour at a time person unless it was sleep time. I am a people person, I am be out and about outside, around town person. I am a person that always has 14 commitments to 15 people at a time person. I am not a sit still and rest person. This is probably why last week when I finally got out of the hospital after 12 days and laying in bed the whole time with very few but very loved visitors I way over did it. That is probably why this week I have felt like crap.

Today was the first day, ever in the history of my life I think, I rested like the entire day. The only thing I did today was went to Wendy's for dinner because I didn't feel like cooking. I also sold some more of my stuff. PS if anyone needs a wahser/dryer or a futon hit me up because I need them sold. People keep telling me to rest and get better. But seriously how healthy can it be to sit in your house alone all day. It is boring and I am becoming way too addicted to social media. Like way too addicted. However, it is what I have to do to get better.

People are also telling me to slow down in terms of figuring out what I want to do with my life. Try to figure out what God wants me to do. To, "be still and know that I am God." But as I said earlier I am not one of those sit in one place for too long people. This is hard. I really think I got this sick for a reason. I think that my potassium crashed making me too weak to move much in the day for a reason. Because I was always trying to so many things to so many people I never got to help or do things for myself. Now I can't do things for myself. And it kills me. I hate asking people for help, especially for help doing things that I can't repay. But right now I need that kind of help and I just have to sit back and watch it all happen. I have to sit back and watch my house be packed for me, my house be cleaned for me, and know that it's okay because I will repay it in the future even if it is not to the same people. I have to sit back and be still and know that I am God. Know that all my bills will be paid even if they are in the thousands of dollars and I have no money. I have to sit back and know that all my needs will be provided for and know that it will probably be done abundantly and more than I deserve.

I, for the first time in my life, have to sit back and not be the one being so many things to so many people and let people take care of me. I have to get better. I have to be nursed to health right now. I have to trust that all my needs will be met and just relax in the palm of my Father who will take care of everything for me. It is not easy for me but it will be done. Plus, I have to be at least a little bit better by January so I make it through my classes :) YAY! :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Good days and bad days

So I haven't written since Monday and the reason that I've been telling myself I haven't written since Monday is because I haven't felt good, at all. And I really have been trying to keep the vibe of this blog as positive as possible. But one of my friends who reads my blog called me out on it, and told me hey you haven't done your blog and I'm like because I'm sick right now and I am mad at my health and I'm scared I'm going to have to go back to the hospital and I don't want to write about that. He said that is a big part of your blog though, I mean the whole reason I'm starting over is because of my health. I have to write on the bad days too. Because truth be told I will have good days but my bad days, for right now, will probably outnumber my good days because I am really sick, even though all of you keep telling me I look good. But my sick is on the inside of my body and even though I look good, which I work really hard at...I feel horrible. I am achy, I have headaches a lot more now, I am very weak, I am exhausted all the time. All this getting out and stuff that I am doing to keep from going mentally insane in my house alone all day is probably not helping because it takes so much dang energy.

Anyways, yesterday was a really bad day, it was a really scary day for me too. I was never in any 'danger' per se but it was scary. My stomach started acting up for the first time since I've been out of the hospital and I spiked a 100.4 degree fever. My legs would not work, if I stood up I would almost collapse and my hands were constantly shaking. Since I've been out of the hospital I have been insatiably hungry and yesterday for the most part I could care less about food but knew I had to eat at least breakfast, lunch, and dinner because I have believe it or not gained 9 pounds this week and didn't want to mess up my progress. But when all of your symptoms start coming back from the thing that just put you in the hospital for 12 days and the dr's said you almost didn't make it get scared...when you have not just one or two but three chronic diseases that could easily put you in the hospital at any second if you're not careful you get scared...when you really can't take care of yourself and live by yourself you get scared. Living one day at a time, not knowing what the next day, or hour even brings healthwise is scary...but it's my life...and I'm not the only one who lives it. I am not the only person in the world that is chronically ill and I won't be the last. But it is my life and at times...on the bad days it is scary. But I make it through the bad days so that I can live to see the good days. The days where I can get out for four hours and enjoy some time with my friends from church. The days that I know I will have in the future because I could have died 2 weeks ago and I didn't...which means there is a reason I'm I know I have some future even if it is one knows the day they will die really.

So I will try to write even on the bad days because those are the days that I need support and those are the days that I need prayers the most. Last night was really bad, I had a high fever (but not high enough to go back to the hospital) I had to go to the bathroom 6 times between 11 pm and 8 am, literally...I kept track. But today I rested pretty much all day. I only went to lunch with a friend, and went to church tonight. I have felt a little better but not really. But I wanted to go to church because now I only have this Sunday and Wednesday to go then that is it for a while...I still don't feel good but I need to see people laying in bed feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me better, although overdoing it isn't either.

I need to find the balance in my life between the good days and the bad days, the balance between the getting out and resting. It is something I am working on. But things continue to be working out perfectly for right now and I can literally feel God holding me throughout the whole process. It has been a beautiful journey so far and will continue to be. Oh yeah, and today I got my official acceptance letter to community college so at least next semester is a go. And we will see what God has in store for after that...for right now I need to go rest...and hope that tomorrow I have a good day :)

Monday, October 10, 2011


So yesterday after church...which was amazing again...of course...I was planning on just coming home and laying in bed and watching movies/football all day and I started out that way.

I wanted to watch the Colts game but it wasn't aired down here (which turned out to be a very good thing because I would've probs broken my TV considering how horribly they messed up the second half of that game...this will def be an 0-16 season) But Dirty Dancing was on TV so I watched that, it is one of my all time favorite movies. In fact when Patrick Swazye passed away, it was before I was gluten free, I went to food lion and got a pint of half baked Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watched Dirty Dancing and cried over and over I watched Dirty Dancing.

But then I decided I needed to go through my teaching stuff. I'm not allowed to teach anymore, someone can use my I decided to try and sell some of it, throw some of it away, and I'm going to donate some of it to the college I went to here and they are going to give it to students who will graduate this year and begin teaching...really unless you are a teacher you have no idea how much it costs to start a classroom. But anyways I had to go through all of it and every activity, book, etc has a memory of a lesson I did with my kiddos. I love my kiddos, I miss my kiddos, I want to be with my kiddos...but I know that I need to get better and I know that teaching is bad for my body. In fact, Saturday I saw 2 of my kiddos at McDonald's, luckily they didn't see me, and I quickly escaped to the parking lot into my car to cry, but I knew I couldn't let them see me because I couldn't handle them coming up to me and seeing me and smiling at me, I would completely lose it then.

I've already been able to sell some of my stuff to 2 of my very good friend teachers and I know they will use it well. Plus, one of the many good things about me starting school again in January is that gave me an excuse to keep all of my school supplies. My pencils, pens, highlighters, markers, crayons, etc, etc. Anyone who knows me knows I have a slight possible psychiatric obsession with school supplies and this made me very happy...and my mom and BFF both laughed at me loudly when I told them my excitement when I realized I got to keep these things. haha...

Anyways, so I can't ever teach again and some people are feeling sorry for me because of this and some people are like don't worry God will give you people to teach even if you aren't in a classroom...and my possible rude but true retort has been but I don't want to teach ever again, it makes me sick to think about it...but it's true there is bureaucracy and red tape and rules and regulations and I don't like it...I just wanted to teach...but in all reality I realize that God made it so I never want to teach again because if you asked me a month and a half ago...I was going to teach until I died in my classroom basically it is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life I loved it every second of it...and now I never want to do it again...and I can't ever do it again...and I know God made it that way...because if I still wanted to teach I would be mad at God...and I'm not, I'm extremely excited about the new opportunities He has offered me and that makes me happy.

I am getting excited about leaving Salisbury. I'm excited about getting to live near my family and actually get to know them (I feel like I don't even know anybody in my family because I only go home 2 times a year, now I will get to know them for real). I'm excited about starting school. I'm excited about the new doctors that will hopefully be able to make me better. And I'm excited that I'm starting to realize that no matter where I am, I am still me. No matter what I do with my life I am still me. What I do or where I am don't define me, I define me, and my relationship with God defines me. And I hope through this whole journey my relationship with God is never in question. So yes I am extremely sad to be leaving my beloved Salisbury, and I will miss everyone here with immense pain and memory...but it's only a 2 hour plane ride away or a 2 day drive and in 2 and a half years when I get better and finish school I will be back. I know Salisbury is my home, I know it will work out where I can come back. But right now I am going to be excited about going to my new home...and making something more beautiful out of myself.

Side note:

Reasons why church was amazing yesterday:
~Sunday school lesson directly applied to life right now in this second. It was the story in Luke where the people bring the paralyzed man to Jesus to be healed but there is a long line so they lower him through the roof to be set directly in front of Jesus. Jesus first forgives him of his sins and then heals him and he is able to get up and walk out and praise God with great joy. The reason that it is suspected that Jesus forgives him of his sins first is that a) the people observing that would not expect it and b) you have to be spiritually healed before you can be physically healed. The reason that this applies to my life is obviously because I'm sick and I'm in agreement that Jesus will heal me when he sees fit...but also that I had to come to the same decision that Jesus did in this. When all this happened I needed spiritual healing and I needed it fast or else I would never get better. I had to accept that God has a plan and He knows what He is doing and He is going to take care of my every need, I had to not get mad at God and ask Him why. I needed to forgive God and maintain a strong relationship with Him from the beginning of this before I can even start the physical healing. Being stressed out upset and mad is just going to make my physical condition worse. So like the paralytic man, I needed spiritual healing and forgiveness of my sins before my physical healing. I am not saying I am completely spiritually healed, but I am on my way, and I am on my way to physical healing too. I know my positive attitude is helping me feel better than I should. All my muscles are achy all the time from the potassium crash, I have virtually zero energy, I shake all the time. But I am in a good mood and I want to be out around my friends, and I love being at church worshiping my God, and I know that has made the difference in my ability to get out of bed even if just for 2 or 3 hours a day. Because Jesus has forgiven me of my sins and is holding me in his hand throughout this whole process.
~Sang song "Lift my Eyes" by Bebo Norman which is one of my fave songs and again directly applies to my life in this second.
~And now for a few things that I picked up in the sermon that again directly apply to my life right now in this second:
*"My trust has to be deeper and wider than my clarity"
*"No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy, from the sound of weeping..." Ezra 3:13...I feel like this is how everything is right now in my head...joyful yet sad
*We lose sight of things when we compare today's opportunities vs yesterdays victories whenever you compare to anything discouragement will be a byproduct
*God's work done God's way is never insignificant
*"He will never leave you or forsake you" Deut 31:6
*"And in this place I will grant peace (shalom)" Haggai 2:9
*We cannot trust our possessions, money has no guarantee of everlasting power, but the promises of God from the OT to the moment in time are he will never leave you or forsake you, He is not giving up on you-Kenneth Lance
*God will never allow himself to be managed

Have a good day everyone :)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Keep Calm and Carry on

Well I haven't written in like 4 days. This blog will be more bulleted style not paragraph style and informative because I'm not really in a creative blog writing mood right now but am trying to be consistent in chronicling everything that is happening on this journey, even if it is just for me to be able to look back one day and see what God did throughout this whole situation.

Since Wednesday, I've done several things, lots of things.

I've discovered that I cannot stop eating, really seriously like I could eat 24 hours a day right now probably, which is good, because I was severely malnourished and am still very thin and need to gain weight like pronto. One funny story about eating. Wednesday afternoon I went out to eat with Misty, Katie, and Bradie at cracker barrel and got one of their dinners which comes with an entree and 3 sides (and bread but of course i didn't eat that) and I cleaned my plate...then I went to church, like drove from cracker barrel straight to church and ate church dinner an entree and 2 sides and ate everything there too...this is proof that i can't stop eating...haha...i always was a fat kid at heart even if it doesn't show :)

Thursday, wifey (best friend that is a girl) came to town and I had an excellent day. We walked all over downtown, went to the verizon store to get my smart phone fixed that broke in the hospital, went to the movies and saw 50/50 (we were the only ones in the theatre and it was so awesome we talked and laughed and put our feet on the seats and used our phones to google things about the movie because we could because we were the only ones), then we came home and said good bye because i wont get to see her for a while since she lives in greensboro and will not be able to see me again before i move.

Friday I realized how stupid everything I did Thursday was because I was so so so exhausted. I talked with a friend who told me that researchers have done studies on what makes people resilient and overcome in times of crisis and there are 7 characteristics of those people. She could only remember 6 of them (humor, morality, having someone to look up to, initiative, creativity, and independence) and told me that most people in the studies only had one or two of those qualities but assured me that i in fact have all 6 of them so i should definitely be okay in the long run. Side note: the strange thing is I've always known through this whole thing (once I got out of the hospital) that it would all be ok and I've actually been the calmest I have been in my life, just taking everything step by step second by second. Don't get me wrong, mom can telll you I have had my freak out moments, my crying, screaming at her because i don't know who else to scream at moments, and my moments where I just laugh uncontrollably (see humor) because the whole situation seems so incredibly ridiculous I don't even know where to start at how unfair it is. But overall I've been calm cool and collected and realizing I have 2 choices I can be depressed or I can be happy and with the lack of energy I have right now it is so much easier just to be happy and move on...and that is exactly what I'm doing. Keep calm, and carry on as my Sunday school teacher would say :)

So anyways back to Friday, after that my friend Sherry came over and helped me pack and pack and we actually got all the packing done except for the kitchen which really can't be packed until almost right when I leave. So now almost everything is packed we just have to clean and organize. Then I went over and hung out at Misty's shop for a while and hung out with her customers who I will also miss very much. I spent a lot of time there this summer and got to know a lot of her weekly older ladies.

Today has been a very productive and peace creating day and made me happy and excited. I delivered some of the stuff I sold. Didn't have to pack or throw away stuff, thank goodness. Went to my assistants son's birthday party and gave her her baby shower gift since I'll be gone before any shower. And I also think I've decided what I want to do with my life,,,at least a beginning plan. In January I am going to start the process of taking pre-requisite classes to become a dietitian. I am going to go to the local community college for the spring semester and take Anatomy/Physiology and General Microbiology (yes at the same time, yes while I will still prob be sick--see resilience characteristics of independence, and initiative) and I will absolutely love them most likely. This will enable me to a) have something to do so I don't go completely insane, b) see if I really want to pursue this dietitian thing, and c) have something to do so I don't go completely insane. A lot of people don't know, but in the back of my head I've always wanted to do something in the health field (MD) but in college when I was taking the science classes I was sick all the time, had to miss class a lot, and couldn't make it through labs because I had to run to the bathroom all the time so I knew I would never make it through med school. But it has still always been a dream of mine...even while I was teaching I knew I would want to go back to school eventually. So now that my job has been taken away, and I have to start completely over, why not do what I want. I am not going to be an MD because a) that is a whole lot more school I already have lots of student loans and am trying to do this as quickly and cheaply as possible and b) I really feel like God gave me this disease (celiac) for a reason...when I become a dietitian I really want to help people that are like me that get diagnosed later in life get healthy fast so that they do not have all the problems I have, I am also very interested in trying to start gluten free (and other allergen) food pantries for those who have no income but still have to maintain gluten free lifestyles because of different health reasons. I am super excited about this and cannot wait to start school on January 9th. I was going to post all this tomorrow because tomorrow will be 3 months until I officially start my life over or at least start the process to start over. But reread that other sentence as i am SUPER EXCITED to start school and just had to tell everyone my plans!!!! Bad news for Salisbury, the program I want to get into is at Indiana State University which is in my mom's home town, but I think I can finish the program in 2 years and would start in fall of 2012, so I won't graduate until Spring of 2014....but until then I can visit lots. Plus I don't know if I will get in there, I could be somewhere else completely to do the program (including possibly somewhere nearer Salisbury I haven't looked at any schools around here).

So anyways that is what I've been up to lately. I need to get good at doing this everyday because it is overwhelming to update on so much at one time....haha...anyways I gotta try to sleep so that I can go to my most favorite place in the world in the morning FBC Salisbury. So have a good night, or a good morning or whenever you are are reading this...and thanks for all the prayers everyone is giving me because if you read this blog you can tell they are definitely working :) Love you all :) <3

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

nothing worth having comes easy...

So it's been a couple of days since I've written. I've basically been so overwhelmed with emotion and recovery and pain that I haven't been able to process anything I've been feeling since I got out on Saturday.

Sunday I went to church and announced to my Sunday school class and other people in passing that I was going to be leaving and could barely get out the words. After I made the announcement I basically sat there and couldn't stop thinking about that I had said it out loud and therefore it was real and that I was on a two week time clock publicly, which really upset me because the lesson was so good and I feel like I didn't get the whole effect out of it because I was in emotional shock. I think a lot of people that read this blog don't realize when I say how much it pains me to leave my church how much it does. I have been alone and single the entire time I've lived in Salisbury and I have been through many hard but very blessed times because of my church and especially my sunday school class. My family is far away so my church are the people that have taken care of me, visited me in the hospital, gotten me through college, gotten me through teaching, laughed with me, cryed with me, they are the family that I don't have and I want to keep them all with me all the time because they are so so important to me. And I know some of you are reading this and it is true and you will never know how much you mean to me.

Anyways, the church service was smack dab pointed straight to me from the songs which included lyrics like:
"You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that’s in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power un- told
not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul"

to the message that was all about fearing nothing but God and starting ironic.

I then went out to lunch with the wonderful group of people that I eat with almost every Sunday and had a wonderful time and actually felt pretty good and normal for the first time in almost a month. The rest of Sunday was definitely restful because I was exhausted and in a lot of pain from being out for 5 hours after being in the hospital for 12 days.

Monday was a sit and stare and look at everything kind of day and get up the gumption to actually tackle this thing called pack up your life and move away and become depressed about it. I basically watched tv all day and thought about what i needed to be doing but couldn't get motivated to do it because first off I felt like crap and second off I couldn't start packing because that made it real.

Tuesday (yesterday technically because it is like 3:15 in the morning) was the day that it all became real but it was actually a really good day. It was a God filled day, it was a blessed day, and I really enjoyed it thanks to the wonderful blessing filled people in my life. It started out rough and with me sitting there crying every 20 minutes when I would start to throw away something or pack something or whatever. Then a friend came over and took all my bookshelves (bought) and things were officially moving out of my apartment and it was starting and I couldn't reverse. I knew that I had to make a decision right then to do this with peace like I promised my self or do this with pity but either way it was happening and it was started and it wasn't going to stop so I had to get on board one way or the other. I tackled the hardest part first (where all my office stuff was) and got it done. I took a break and went to chic-fil-a because indiana doesn't have one (that is how most of my food choices will be made now only local salisbury places for the next 2 weeks pretty much :) Then I came back home and was pretty tired so took a break but then i got up and went back. Then the most amazing thing happened. Someone knocked at the door. I was expecting someone so I told them to come in, but it wasn't that person it was my friend Misty who just happened to get off work early and came to help me pack. She started full steam ahead packing everything and helping me throw stuff away and just going through everything then my other 2 friends showed up I thought just to look at stuff that I had to see if they wanted anything and they ended up staying with me and misty for almost 2 hours and we got my entire living room packed, part of the kitchen, and my bedroom ad Misty told me she would be back in the morning to help some more. YAY!! Once it started and was making real progress my entire attitude changed. I had been focusing on how much of my stuff I don't get to keep. While we were packing I decided that I was so blessed and fortunate that I get to go through everything I own piece by piece and pick the things that are most important and special to me to keep. I am so blessed and fortunate that my apartment did not catch on fire or flood or something and I lost everything in an instant without the pleasure of choosing my most prized possessions to maintain. I will be getting rid of tons of things that I love and would love to have but nothing I own is truly mine. It is all God's and it is His to choose what we get to keep and what we don't. He is so merciful to me to allow to choose what I get to keep, even if it is not everything that I wanted. I am so blessed. I am so blessed I have a family that is willing to bail me out in my time of need and take care of me. I am so blessed that I know when I am healed, which will happen, that I will most likely get the opportunity to return to my beloved Salisbury. I am so blessed in so many ways even though the valley seems so deep right now.

Also, I am exciteed that the church I go to is in the process right now of setting up emergency apartments for those in need and they need stuff to furnish them with so anything that I have left over I am going to get to donate to them so that the apartments will have stuff in it. So I know that my stuff will be going to a good use and benefiting the church that I love so much!!! How awesome is that? I have also been throwing around the idea about going back to school to be a dietitian to help people that are like me not get as sick as I did by controlling their diet. I am so blessed to think I have a direction....even if it takes forever and costs a lot and may never happen. I am very blessed. Anyways....the title of this post is nothing worth having comes easy...and I am realizing that more and more each day, but I am realizing it is worth it.

Leaving Salisbury is the hardest thing I will do to date, but it is necessary for my health and my health is worth having and it isn't going to be easy and it isn't going to be fast. But with God's good grace, a little faith, some social networking to stay in touch, visits, and lots of candy, it will get done and when it's done it will be beautiful...because God makes beautiful things. And every tear, mile, dr's visit, etc will be worth it because I will be healed and it will be amazing. Then I can come back to my beloved Salisbury (if it is in THE plan) and have my life back. For right now though I will enjoy my last 11 or 12 days here and make amazing memories and keep on building one peace at a time...

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Today, started out as an excellent day. The nurse came in and woke me up and told me to order my every day for the past 10 or 11 days...i immediately said, as soon as you tell me what my potassium level is. She pauses looks at the computer screen and says 3.7!!! I literally almost jumped out of the bed and hugged her. 3.6 was the go home number and I was at 3.7, I was finally going to get out of the hospital.

So I packed up all the wonderful presents and goodies that people sent me and waited on my friend to come and get me. I went home and took a bubble bath and then i layed on my futon and waited on my other friend to bring me dinner and groceries.

Today was a good was a day where I was finally out of the hospital and today was the day where I was going to start over...

However, today is the day where I have to start over. Today is the day that as I lay here in my futon resting and recuperating, I look around my apartment at all my stuff that I will be getting rid of in the next two weeks. Everything that I will be getting rid of and leaving behind to move to Indiana with my family to get better, to heal. Today is the day that I start crying uncontrollably because I can't fathom leaving the home that I have known for the past 8 years. The place where I first lived independently, found out who I was, and lost who I was all in the same place. Today is the day where I start over and find out who I am again.

I literally am sitting in my living room staring at my stuff, wondering who will get it all. Should I give it away to the so many needy, should I try to gouge the prices out of the water because let's face it I really need the money or what should I do with it. How am I getting rid of it, and why do I have to get rid of everything I own, everything that makes me who I am and start over. Well there is no space, it costs money to store things. And as many of my friends and strong Christian role models have reminded me through constant big things in there lives. It is just stuff. I am getting rid of my stuff, I will get new stuff, and I will be provided for. God provides, that is what He does. God will take care of me. God will not forsake me or leave me. That doesn't mean that I won't miss my stuff, or my life, or cry like mad when I pull out of this town in the next couple of weeks and say see you soon to everything I know.

Right now I am overwhelmed. However, as always there is a Bible story that directly applies. So here you go: Luke 18:24-30 "Seeing his reaction, Jesus said, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who have it all to enter God's kingdom? I'd say it's easier to thread a camel through a needle's eye than get a rich person into God's kingdom." Then who has any chance at all?" the others asked. "No chance at all, Jesus said, "if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it." Peter tried to regain some initiative: "We left everything we owned and followed you, didn't we?" "Yes, said Jesus, "and you won't regret it. No one who has sacrificed home, spouse, brothers and sisters, parents, children-whatever- will lose out. It will all come back multiplied many times over in your lifetime. And then the bonus of eternal life."

So I am not losing anything, I am gaining everything. Stuff is stuff, stuff can be replaced. My life and my health and following God's will for my life is the most important thing right now. And I can't wait for him to multiply in my life like crazy. Even though I am overwhelmed...