Thursday, December 29, 2011

Christmas miracle :)

So I have been really bad about doing this whole blogging thing. I don't really know how to get more like making myself doing it...but I do have good intentions. Honestly typing, writing, anything these things hurts extremely bad, so believe it or not I don't do much on the computer. Most of it I do on my phone, which is easier because my phone has swype technology so it is easier for me to "type" on that. Other than that I do very little on my computer and hardly any writing.

I was doing so well healthwise and I even made it through Christmas feeling great (more or less...I really started crashing on Thursday before Christmas, but I powered through to make it to Christmas.) Thursday I started getting tired and more tired and really achey. I started with the ankle thing again where I couldn't even walk really because my ankles and toes hurt so bad it's not even funny. But I still had stuff to do. We got my car back Friday afternoon but it still isn't fixed. The part hadn't come in yet, it came in today though so hopefully it will be all fixed up tomorrow. I really am starting to like it, even the fact that is yellow. I never lose it in a parking lot and it definitely isn't the same as anyone I have ever seen.

Anyways, Saturday was lots of Christmas Eve stuff. I made sure the house was clean for the people coming over on Sunday to our house. Mom and I grocery shopped for our party/get together we were having (which took forever and was fun with me and mom in pain) then I came home and baked cookies while mom finished her Christmas shopping for us kids. Then we went over to my aunt and uncle's house for extended family gift exchange. We were late because we waited on my sister to get off work so she could go at the same time with us. But we had fun, we ate a little first, then everyone opened gifts from each other. I got a cool applique for my wall with a Dr. Seuss quote on it. I love Dr. Seuss so my aunt thought that would be cool for me. It is the quote that says, "if things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too!" which just so happens to be from my favorite book "Oh, the Places You'll Go" :) I also got 50 bucks from my grandfather and step grandmother which is always good. I love money! haha! After that my mom and I went to the Christmas Eve late night service at her church. It was ok. Not my favorite, but it was it worked.

Sunday I woke up and made my family breakfast casserole for breakfast. Then of course we opened presents. I really wasn't expecting much for Christmas this year, but got quite a bit of stuff. I got a donut maker so I can make gluten free donuts, an amazon gift card, lots of candy, colored pens so I can write in my planner lots of pretty colors!, an awesome orange camouflage bookbag for me to carry all my books and stuff to school in the spring :), 2 thermal tshirts, a pair of pajama pants with snoopy on them, an auxillary cord to plug my ipod in my car to listen to it, and because my old ipod was broken and we didn't know if my phone would work with it or not a new ipod which i didn't even ask for! :) It is little silver nano one and I got it a Carolina blue cover the other day and it is awesome! I love it, and I managed to get all my music off my old stinky Ipod onto my new one :)

So this week I've been pretty sick and it hasn't been fun. See I made it to Christmas being healthy, but that was it, but it's ok I got my Christmas wish, to be healthy on Christmas. At 2:30 in the morning on Dec 26th I woke up vomiting violently. I did it again at 4:30 in the morning and 8:30 in the morning. I haven't done it since then but have been extremely nauseous since then. I have also been having abdominal pain that has been pretty intense at times (today for instance after dinner it had me in tears doubled over in pain and mom made me go lay in bed). My muscles have not felt right at all. I have had a lot of weakness and joint pain and my lightheadedness/dizziness is back. Oh well...hopefully it will go away soon. I really haven't gone anywhere this week except Tuesday I went to walmart to buy my ipod case and a camera case for my camera. Then mom and sis and I went to see the movie New Years Eve--which was good--and we went to dinner at Cheeseburgers in Paradise. Yesterday I tried to leave the house and run errands with mom but I was to nauseous to do so. Today I sent some old textbooks I sold online and went to Walmart again and met mom and sis at Chilli's for lunch. That has been it. I went to bed after that and have been there pretty much for the rest of the day :(

I have started getting some of my textbooks in that I ordered online for my classes that are this semester and that is getting me even more excited for school to start. I have my bookbag packed and my colored pens and I am so excited to get to learn some of this stuff. Some of it looks downright scary though. I am also very nervous though. I have no idea how or if I will make it through the semester without having to drop out. I just had one really good week health wise and it has pretty much knocked me on my butt this week. I have no idea how I am supposed to go full steam ahead for 3 months in a row. But we will see. Hopefully it will all work out, I really think it's in God's plan, so it should work out :)

Tomorrow I am going to the evil family doctor to talk to her about writing me a letter so I can get disability services at school. We are also going to talk to her about seeing if she will approve me for a handicap placard for my car. I have very little muscle tone and control and my joints hurt so bad all the time. Plus if I stand up for about 5 minutes I immediately feel like I'm going to pass out and get all clammy and shaky and have to lay down. At ISU the closest student parking lot to my classes is about 3 blocks away and I will never make it walking that far at this point in my life, especially in the cold weather (especially when it snows). So we are hoping that she sings the form for me tomorrow, or else we will have to go to plan B which we aren't sure what that is yet. There are handicapped spaces that are right next to the buildings that my classes are in, so that would be a blessing. I'm not going to be one of those people that abuses it, just uses it on days when I really have no other option. Right now on those days I just don't drive anywhere, because I know I can't walk far enough to get into the stores, let alone make it through the stores, so here's hoping she is in a good mood tomorrow. Also, mom is going with me to advocate for me and back me up. I am also bringing the newest edition to my life--my health journal. One day last week of like the 3rd day in a row of me waking up at 4 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep I started a health journal. I keep it with me all day long, and every time anything in my body feels off I write down exactly what I feel and what time it is. Some of it just says continues all day but some of it is more specific. I am hoping that this will not only help me back myself up with mean dr, but also help the rheumatologist I see at the end of January have almost a whole month of very specific information to help me get more confirmed answers.

So anyways, that is about all I have for right now and my hands are pretty much numb I've been typing so long and they hurt super bad. So I'm gonna stop now. I will try to update tomorrow after my dr's appt or something. Also, gonna try to get my Indiana driver's license tomorrow so next week I can register my car when I get the title in the mail :)

Have a good night everyone!!

6 days til my new small group starts
11 days til classes start :)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Honestly, I just had to think for like 3 minutes to figure out what day it is...I am so tired, but for some reason I can't stop doing things. It's like I've reached that maximum potential point of doing nothing, but I am so tired, I need to take a break but just can't figure out how to make myself stop. My mom's house has remained spotless every day, all the Christmas presents are bought and my mom bought the presents for all the extended family and I got them wrapped up. The house is decorated, my Christmas cards were sent out. There is really nothing left to do, but sit and wait for that blessed event that happens at the end of this week. But I feel so like complacent and anxious and I don't know, almost upset about Christmas this year.

I don't know if it is because I am so freaking poor this year (which actually considering I was able to quit my job the first day of September and make it to now and still have 10 dollars in my bank account is kind of a victory to me...especially since I spent about 400 dollars on the Salisbury trip) but I am very much more aware of the complete ridiculousness that 'we' American's have made this holiday. It is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, family, friends, spending time together, reflecting on the year, etc. But instead starting around Halloween time there are commercials, sales ads, displays, etc of stuff to buy for people. Half the stuff we don't need at all, the rest of the stuff is completely unnecessary or inappropriate for the people we are buying it for (really, what 9 year old NEEDS an Ipod touch or anything like that). It could also be the fact that I literally about 2 months ago went through my house and threw away or gave away about 90% of my posessions and it really didn't phase me that much once I got over the initial shock, and let me tell you, I haven't missed one thing (except my desk but I don't have space for one anyway here). It could be the fact that I know there are millions of people that don't even have clean drinking water, a place to sleep, food to eat, a warm coat, etc and there are people spending thousands of dollars on their kids/friends/family that literally have everything they NEED and more.

I have had a very hard time this year coming up with a Christmas list, my mom keeps saying you keep changing your mind. Well it's because I keep asking for stuff...stuff that I want and could use and wouldn't put to waste but it's just stuff. I don't really NEED anything, my mom makes sure I have everything I need and more. Now the things that are on my list are thermal shirts, jeans, and sweatpants (because dang it's cold here), a donut maker (which mom I know you're reading this and I really want a donut maker), and a jewlrey box. I also asked for some books for a Bible study that I am starting at my church next semester and text books (but she graciously bought me both those things without making them my Christmas presents but I have to pay her back when I get my retirement/school money). But that is about all I could come up with and I feel bad asking for those things even. Sidenote: I did really want a Keurig, but I talked myself out of it and told mom to remove it from my list, they are still too expensive for me to justify.

I also am bummed because I didn't get the opportunity to buy presents for those that can't afford them this year because I'm a person that can't afford them this year, but not to the extent that they can't. But I always enjoy doing operation Christmas Child, angel tree, etc. There is a community center here called 14th and Chestnut and when I was in starbucks the other day (as in Monday) there were still about 20 kids names that hadn't been taken off the tree thing and that is just in one drop off location, it almost kills me to know that those kids aren't going to get anything for Christmas, but I don't have the money to make that come true for them, oh how I wish I could buy them all just one gift.

But anyways, I'm going to stop ranting about corporate America greed right now. In other news, the service engine soon light in my new car was on when we got it so I've been sans car all week while it is in the shop getting repaired (for free thank goodness since we just got it and it had a 30 day warranty) but should hopefully get it back in the morning or at some point tomorrow. Also, I have been feeling amazing this week. I really haven't not been able to do anything I wanted to do this week because of my health. I am very much more tired than I was on Saturday, my first really feeling good day, however, I am still going strong. I have been and know many of you have been praying for my Christmas miracle/one Christmas present I really wanted which was to be healthy on Christmas and it looks like I'm going to get it! Today was day 5 in a row of me feeling semi-healthy and I can't remember the last time that has happened. One of my friends commented on my facebook status about it with just one simple word: blessed. But seriously, through all this, I seriously think I am one of the most blessed people in the world. I have bad days and good days, but I have had countless, unending, prayerful support throughout the entire process and God has worked it out perfect for me at this time. Not all the answers have been yes, but everything has been answered appropriately.

So I'm going into this Christmas season kind of bummed I couldn't do more, kind of pissed off at corporate greed and people spending money they don't have on things the people they are buying for them don't need, but extremely grateful for the past 4 months of my life, the learning that has taken place, the growing that has taken place, and the fact that God has allowed me to stay positive/hopeful/peaceful/and expectantly waiting for the beautiful things he will do in my life.

Exciting happenings coming up soon!!!! :)
3 more days until extended family Christmas celebration!
4 more days until Christmas day!
14 more days until my new small group starts!
19 more days until classes start at Indiana state!

Sunday, December 18, 2011


So my plan for this week was to blog every that would ever happen...but this time I had a really good excuse at least for 2 of the days...

Remember how I said I was having a really bad week, well it got worse, although then it got way better. Wednesday I went to my mom's work to eat lunch with the united methodist women and afterwards I checked my phone and had a voicemail from my GI's office in Indianapolis that told me to call them back ASAP. Well, when I called them back they told me they got the lab results back from the bloodwork that I had done on Monday and my hemoglobin was critically low at 7.2 and I needed to go to the ER immediately and tell them I need a transfusion. I've done this a couple of times now (I believe this was my 4th transfusion in the 2 years all this has been going on, it was at least my 3rd for sure) so I knew that it wasn't I'm gonna keel over and die low, although I was as aforementioned feeling horribly run down and tired, so I waited until mom got off work so she could take me since I didn't have a car now. So we get to the ER and i'm pretty much taken back immediately too good to be true. But then they decide since it is 6.8 now and I have this problem and other problems and all my joints are swollen super bad that they want to admit me and observe me during the transfusion not just give it to me in the ER and street me. This would be ok if they started my transfusion in the ER at least but no, we waited 4 hours for them to get me a room. Then I waited another 3 hours after that for them to get the blood to me. If you've ever had a transfusion you know you can't really sleep during it because they take your vitals every 15 minutes and at this point it is 10 oclock. The transfusion finished at 4 am and I got very little sleep during the process. They finally let me go at 10:30 the next morning after I got to the ER the day before at 4. Uggg. Also, I know for a fact that I am O+ blood, during the transfusion they gave me 0- blood. I asked specifically about it and they said no you're O- and I'm very certain that I'm O+, my mom is, my dad was, my sister is...I've had multiple transfusions and used to donate blood as often as possible before I got sick, I know I'm O+, this concerns me. O- blood is a universal blood type so I'm not really concerned that I have the wrong blood type in me, I'm just more concerned that they think I'm O- after running a type and cross and me questioning it and everything. I know I'm O+ I have to be since both my parents are. You can also reject blood transfusions and it sometimes takes up to 10 days to do so. I wasn't really concerned until I developed a rash today, but I don't have a fever or anything so I think I'm ok but it still makes you a little nervous...

Anyways, Thursday night I was exhausted and I have a horrible cold. The cold I attribute to the fact that my meds are finally working since they are immunosuppressive. Since I had a cold and I was exhausted I took some store brand nyquil stuff and I could not wake up for the life of me on Friday. Mom called me at 10:30 on Friday and told me to get dressed because I needed to look at a car. Her and grandpa showed up with a car for me to look at and then with no details being spelt out long story short confidentiality at 4 o clock on Friday afternoon I was given a 2004 nissan sentra that is in my name that I didn't have to pay for. Praise the Lord for that burden being lifted! It is BRIGHT yellow, which is taking some getting used to, but it was free to me and is very well taken care of with only 68,000 miles on it, key less entry, brand new CD player, and a sun roof. I can get over the color, I promise. The requirements I wanted for a car for me were cup holders, 2 cigarette lighters (one for cell charger one for radio adapter for IPOD), heater, and key less entry and it has that and more! I am naming it (I name all my cars the Honda was Peyton Rowan) Zippy because the guy at the dealership told me to be careful because it had a little zip to it and I think zippy fits the car well and I have another friend with a car named zippy so it has a good namesake. Unfortunately I was too out of it on Friday to enjoy it.

Saturday was the best day I've had in months. I did stuff from 8:30 AM on Saturday until 1:30 AM on Sunday straight and felt good the whole time. I cleaned mom's house, we went to 5 different stores, I made 3 homemade Christmas presents, and I did some more stuff, it was great. Today I was still busy. I went to church online while working on another Christmas present, made homemade vegetable soup for lunch, went to get mom's Christmas present, came home. Made an amazing salad for a snack, made no bake cookies, then mom and I went to the grocery store and I made dinner of sloppy joes and french fries. One of mom's friends cme over and they talked for hours and I went to starbucks in the middle to get us coffee and we had fun. Now after all the goodness I've had for the past 2 days I am exhausted. All my muscles are horribly achy and some of them are going numb. I need to go to bed and I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a bad day, but at least I had 2 really good ones. Perhaps I won't have a bad day again til after Christmas, maybe I'm getting my Christmas wish! :) I should be feeling pretty good though because this week I've had my treatment, 2 units of blood, and managed to keep my all meds in me every day. I really am feeling better, hopefully it's a new trend. For right now, I'm signing off and saying goodnight. I hope y'all are having a great last week before Christmas :)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

God's Promises

So I haven't done this in a really, REALLY long time. There are a couple of reasons. One being while I was in the beloved Salisbury I didn't have my computer hooked up to the internet so it was pretty impossible to blog, blogging on a smart phone would be very frustrating. Two the entire time I was in beloved Salisbury I was very sick and resting as much as possible so I could see at least a few of you lovely people. Third, since I've been back I've been depressed, confused, and frustrated for reasons you will find out about in a minute. But now I'm back. Mainly because today has been one of those days where everything that could go wrong would go wrong and do it to the extremes. It is also one of those days where I had very little energy and gumption and those two things combined are not good and I have spent most of the day crying, and being in pain and the bathroom because those are the two things that come when someone with my disease gets stressed out, frustrated, whatever.

I will start out with a positive story though. Four days before I left for the beloved Salisbury I got violently ill, like passing out, vomiting, high fever ill and we ( mom and I) were for sure that not only was I going to have to postpone my long awaited trip to the bury but probably end up in the hospital. But miracle of miracle I got better like two days before I left. The day before I left I was pretty tired but just knew that if I could get to the Bury being there would give me the energy to get through it and revitalize me. The first day of driving was glorious. It was snowing and raining at the beginning but that cancelled some heavy duty road construction that usually doubles your travel time through Indy. Then once I was through that there was like that gorgeous beautiful rain that you know only God can provide with the blue sky and the glistening rain coming down through the pure white clouds and the sun glistening through it. It was amazingly beautiful, then I looked off to the left and saw a hawk flying through the air and that has always been to me a very spiritual sight. I remember driving on the way to my 3 month mission trip in Gatlinburg, TN and seeing the same thing and just feeling like God Himself was in that hawk soaring over me and protecting me on my drive and that is how I feel everytime I see one. They are so graceful and majestic and just awesome just exactly how God would be. Then I looked in my rearview mirror and saw seriously the most gorgeous, full, vivid rainbow that I have ever seen in my life. I wanted so badly to pull over on the interstate and take a picture of it, but that is generally frowned upon and I was making good time and wanted to get to the hotel before my body fell apart. But at that point, little idealistic, optimistic me was convinced because of the heaven ordained rain, hawk, and rainbow, and the fact that I was still feeling good meant that this trip to the Bury was nothing but God granted and completely supposed to happen.

Until like 4 hours later. When the illness came on. Apparently McD's french fries have a beef flavoring in their oil that has a wheat derivative in it and it made me SICK. Like pretty much the whole second day of driving was from Hades itself, I had to go to the bathroom around every 30 minutes which is not easy driving 6 hours on the interstate and it was raining and I was cranky and my muscles hurt and the whole reason I wanted to get to the Bury on Wednesday was so I could go to church and see people. And of course as soon as I got to Misty's house the illness came on further force and the vomiting and unrelenting need for sleep (like can't stay awake if your life depends on it) started so I of course could not go to church because I slept/puked my way through it. Then I was still like bedridden sick for Thursday and Friday. Saturday I managed to tell myself I'm only in Salisbury for like 3 more days and I am going to see people. So I got up, went to my celiac group Christmas party breakfast thing and managed to eat a little bit of food and see some of my favorite people in the world. Then I took a really long rest/nap and then managed to go and see the Living Christmas Tree that night. Sunday I managed to make it to Sunday school, church, and lunch and that was totally awesome. But then I rested for the rest of the day and didn't make it to the tree that night. But I did on Monday night and got to see people on Monday for lunch and dinner. Tuesday was a so/so day and I saw people for lunch and dinner but didn't do much else. Wednesday I was sick again (I think because I ate salad on Tuesday at Palms and salad doesn't digest well so it was totally my fault but it was oh so good). Thursday I was supposed to leave but there was no way I had enough energy and will power to drive for 6 hours so I stayed for one more day and left on Friday morning. Friday was an ok day of driving and Saturday was a good day of driving. I didn't eat out on this drive home at all except ruby tuesdays once I was at my hotel destination which has a gf menu. I just ate my home brought snacks on the road. No more McD's ever. Sunday I was pretty dang sick. I think it was the combination of trying to do so much in the bury and being tired and being back here in the cold and the not with my friends and a lot and the fact that it was the day before treatment and I always get sick the day before treatment...probably because I really need it at that point.

Anyways, I spent all of Sunday curled up in bed in immense pain with a high fever and at that point where I can't stay awake anymore so I was asleep. Mom was really worried about me, but I came through it and Sunday night actually slept the whole night through without waking up once to go to the bathroom for the first time since at least July. I was so excited. Monday was treatment day. I was going to a new infusion center and it is 2 hours away and I wasn't feeling good so mom went with me. At first when I got there I was pretty upset because it is an infusion center where there are like more than one person in the same room and me and mom were going to take care of some personal financial phone calls and trying to get stuff set up and Indiana state better and plus I didn't want other people knowing all my business...but it is what it is and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The only other person in there while I was there started talking to me based on what I was telling the nurse and told me that she has like all the same symptoms that I do and she has something called dysautonomia. One of my mom's best friends sent us an email last week asking if I had been tested for this rare disorder that hardly no one tests for called dysautonomia. That was 2 people in less than a week that suggested I got tested for it. This woman started asking me questions and it was like I was talking to myself. Her fingers and toes turn white/purple/go numb all the time; her arms and legs randomly fall asleep and/or are numb and tingly all the time; her heart races; she has night sweats; migraines; blood pooling; dehydration constantly; anxiety; low blood pressure; constantly dizzy; passing out...I mean all these things the doctors have never been able to couple together this woman had the same things and she has a diagnosis. I want a diagnosis. There is not treatment perse for this dysautonomia but it would be a diagnosis. I talked to her about day to day life...about the fact that I can't make it through the grocery store anymore without passing out and she said to ride the scooter...I said I don't want to I don't look sick and she said well let them look at you and then stand up and pass out. The fact that I can't stand up in the shower long enough to take a shower and she said that she uses a shower stool. Standing in line at the dmv or anything like that is almost impossible. Her hair falls out all the time too like mine does. I asked her if she works and she just kind of laughed. It was so good to find someone to talk to about how I felt and someone that believed that I could look this good and feel this horrible all the time. Someone that believed that there are these things wrong with me and more and gave me a list of doctor's that may believe me too. Even if I don't get diagnosed with this dysautonomia at least I know there are people that feel like I do and there is hope for finding someone that believes me 100% and may help me find out what it is for sure. She also gave me a lot of facebook pages and support group information on dysautonomia and some funny ones too that will get me through the sucky days.

The negative part of this is the closest of the 3 dr's that diagnosis this in my area is 4.5 hours away at Vanderbilt, then Toledo is 5.5 hours away, and finally Cleveland Clinic at 7 hours away. It also takes 7 months to a year to get an appointment at any of these places. There are many more expensive tests and it would definitely not be a one day appointment thing probably like a week or so and my mom would definitely have to go with me because the tests are pretty demanding and energy draining and I couldn't do it by myself. But I see a rheumatologist in January and hopefully they will at least be able to start some of the testing/diagnosis/ruling out process and get me on the right track.

Today was one of those sucky days. Every day I have so much energy when I wake up and lately it has been pretty scant. I can't stand up long enough to cook anymore so I've figured out how to do it sitting down for the most part. I empty the dishwasher and I am so out of breath and sweating it isn't even funny. I am getting weaker and I can't tell if it is because I am trying to hard to do stuff or if I'm not doing enough. I feel like I'm doing plenty because I am completely exhausted ALL the time and out of breath and sweating no matter what I do. The first horriblly suck thing of today was that we decided to let my car go back to the people today. My bill was due yesterday and I don't have the money to pay it because I used my last money to go to Salisbury and lay in bed for a week there...and they offered to defer it but I won't have the money in January either and we don't know when my disability will get approved and how much I will get when I get on if we deferred it we were just delaying the inevitable. So I am now (or whenever they come to pick it up) carless and it sucks. I have had my own set of wheels for 10 years now and I know I rarely have enough energy to leave the house, but it has been nice knowing that I could leave the house because I had a car sitting outside and could just hop in and drive even around the block or something. Now I don't. I have to share with my mom until I convince my grandpa to help me out and get me a different one. I also found out that 2 of the classes I need for next semester are full and I'm not sure how to get into them. My muscles have been really acting like my potassium is low again, I can barely walk and it hurts like all my skin is tight when I do. Today is not a day I want to repeat again. It was bad.

But even with all the bad stuff that is happening right now...after so much affirmation had been happening I have to remember that my God said "I will never leave you or forsake you", He said "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you", "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart." And two of my absolute favorites right now. Romans 8:38 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears today or our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of Hell can separate us from God's love." And, like the story about the hawk above the story about the eagle from Isaiah and is so pertinent in my life right now: "He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless, even youths will become weak and tired and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who will trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." And in this verse I have hope and a promise from my God that He will not let me fall. He will never leave me. He will help me through this and He has the perfect timing for everything to come together. I know this. I just have to keep reminding myself of it constantly. It is not easy. Especially on the days like today. But God promised me that this would be beautiful and it would work itself out eventually. So right now I am standing on the promises of God and waiting...expectantly...which is kind of very appropriate for this advent season. Guess my advent is just going to be a little longer this year....or years...until my expectant waiting is over and God's promises come full circle for me. Whether the promised answer be yes or no...or wait.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

3 more days!!!!!!!!!!! :)

So since posting last, not much has happened, but at the same time a lot has happened. I have felt very drained this entire past my head I was pretty sure that it was God's way of making me rest before I traveled to Salisbury next week because it is going to take a lot of energy and effort to get there, even though I really want to be there. So really most of this week I slept. Except Thursday. Thursday I cooked and cooked and cooked some more and Wednesday night too. I had a wonderful thanksgiving meal with my family and there was a gluten free equivalent of every menu item...or so we thought...

I did all of the cooking minus the non gluten free stuffing and putting the turkey in the oven because I couldn't physically lift it...haha...we had everything you could imagine for dinner: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, gravy (gluten and non gluten), rolls (gluten and non gluten), stuffing (gluten and non gluten), cranberries, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, apple pie, and pumpkin cheesecake (which I made from scratch and my uncle said I could sell for money it was so good). This was the first time I was going to get to be with extended family on Thanksgiving in since I was a kid because even when I went "home" in college for Thanksgiving it was to South Carolina and my extended family wasn't there. I really don't remember the last time I was with extended family on Thanksgiving. But this year I got to have Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, my sister, my grandpa, my aunt, my uncle, one of my cousins and his family (wife and son) and it was awesome. I was supposed to get to have a second thanksgiving today with even more of the extended family all the cousins and their families and aunts/uncles, grandparents, mom/sis, again...but that whole gluten free equivalent thing wasn't quite accurate we think that the bread I used for my stuffing may not have been gluten free as advertised (we got it from a bakery and there wasn't a label on it but the lady said it was gluten free and we've bought the bread from them before so we trusted them...but...not so much anymore)

Thursday night I started getting violently ill and was running to the bathroom about every 15 or 20 minutes (TMI, I know). Well come Friday morning after going to the bathroom/sleeping all night/not feeling good and achy, I take my temp and its 102.2. I am less than 5 days from going to Salisbury and I'm virtually hospital bound again. I couldn't stay awake for the life of me and the only time I was awake was to go to the bathroom and I was so horribly nauseous it wasn't even funny. I was for sure that I wasn't going to get to go to Salisbury after all the care I had taken for myself the past couple of weeks to make sure I was healthy enough to travel and the money I had saved to make sure I could make the trip. Today, I was still not much better. I wasn't going to the bathroom as much, but still couldn't sit up without feeling like I was gonna pass out which is not very good for driving since driving requires you being conscious and sitting up. But I didn't have a fever and I was not sleepy either. So I stayed home and watched trashy TV most of the day and some great sporting events Carolina vs Duke football (online), USC vs Clemson football, and now I'm watching Carolina vs UNLV far all my carolina teams have won, now they have to win this basketball game...GO HEELS!!! Now it's like 11:45 at night and I pretty much feel as good as new but need to go to bed and rest I'm sure.

I found out yesterday, while I was deliriously sick, that I officially got accepted into ISU so I will be at least taking the pre-requisites for the dietitian program there in the spring and we will go from there, I won't find out if I get into the dietetics program until May because that is when they notify people for that. I am pretty excited and just hope that I can make it through the semester without getting sick and with good grades. I haven't done real college in a while and I'm sure it will wear me out with all the studying and stuff I will have to do for sure. My schedule will be brutal, I will post it later after I officially register for my classes.

I am now only 3 days away from being in Salisbury and could not be more excited, I just hope that I keep getting better so that the trip doesn't kill me. Mom is worried that I will either get really sick on the way there or get really sick while I'm down there and not be able to get back. But, I know that seeing my friends and stuff will make me feel good and sustain me enough to get through the trip. I can't wait to see all of you. I know you have been praying or else I wouldn't have gotten over this sickness so fast. The church that I'm going to has live streaming of their services and I think I am going to go with that option for tomorrow because I need to make sure I'm rested to the fullest potential and then Monday I'm not sure what I'll do but then Tuesday is the day I start driving to Salisbury. Tuesday night I will stay in Kentucky and then Wednesday I will get up and get to Salisbury. I am so excited!!!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Leaving your glory

So I really really like the church I've been going to up here...remember how I said that I would find a best church ever for me right now in the moment? Well, I think I've found it. It is a cross between my best church ever St. Andrews and my best church ever FBC Salisbury. It is a community church, which is an interdenominational church, that is a little unconventional in the way they do things (in my opinion) but it, I can tell, is grounded in the scripture and God is definitely there. The church itself is an hour and a half long but really doesn't feel that long at all. There is music first and most of the music there is like rock band style with electric guitars, drums, keyboard, etc not a choir...although this week they did some traditional hymns with a rocked out style and it was cool. Then there is offering/prayer/announcement time. Then the sermon. Then there is more music time where you can either pray, dance, sing, sit, give more money, etc. The one major thing I don't agree with in this church and still want to get more information about how they think it is Biblically grounded is how they do their communion. They just have tables set up and you go and pick it up yourself and take it. There is no blessing or preacher or anything, if you want it you just take it. I'm not sure about that. But I will find out more about it and let you know. Unfortunately the new members orientation thing is December 4th which is when I will be in I probably won't find out then...haha.

Anyways. I haven't done much since I last blogged. I've been struggling with pain and fatigue pretty severely, but last week was huge for me, I did a ton of stuff. Plus, I need to rest up for all the driving to Salisbury I will be doing next week!!! Wow, can't believe it will be next Tuesday that I head out to Salisbury, seems so close! Yay! Saturday, I really don't remember what we did at all...which makes me think it was nothing. Sunday was busy. I went to church, then after church they had a luncheon for prospective members and visitors that I went to (they had a baked potato bar...I could eat it...bonus points), and then I went to my mom's church to eat lunch there for their homecoming that they were having that weekeend. That was a potluck and I could eat parts of it...score for 2 church meals in one day! Anyways...after that I was completely exhausted and we ate leftovers. I have been doing bad on the cooking, I didn't cook tonight either we ate blt's and cottage cheese...yum. Hopefully tomorrow I will have some strength gained back and I can cook something. Then of course thanksgiving is coming up and that will be awesome. I haven't gotten to be with my blood family for like a long time on thanksgiving and haven't got to be with my extended blood family in probably over 10 years for thanksgiving. I can't wait to be with everyone on the holiday!

So, as I was saying earlier, the church I have been going to is pretty awesome and is a cross between the 2 churches I used to go to. The music and small group set up is like St. Andrew's and the deep preaching is like FBC Salisbury. Well the guy that has been preaching has been doing a sermon series on All For Glory. This week it was called All For Glory: Attitude. It talked about how one of the main reasons that people don't go to church because of the attitudes of Christians and how they have some of the worst attitudes out there and are so down and pessimistic and judgmental all the time. I know this is me sometimes...but I hope it is not me all the time. But Scot, the preacher, talked about how we have to solve this by leaving our glory. The ways that we do this are to be like minded--which does not mean that we have to agree with each other all the time, it just means that we have to share the same love. As long as we love Christ, we can be like minded. See Phillipians 2:2 "...being like minded, having the SAME LOVE, being one in spirit and purpose." We also have to be humble. Which is where I definitely struggle. I am not a humble person, I am a selfish person that doesn't want to burden people with my stuff and needs to be humbled to receive and to give. In the same way. I know that makes no sense but it's true...even though I don't want to receive, I do take a lot from people anyways. I complain to a few certain people all the time, I always feel bad which makes it hard for me to get out and fulfill my purpose. I miss the days where I felt good and could go on and please everyone's needs and requests they had of me. But that isn't being humble either...that is is just being a yes man and feeling obligated to do something. I'm working on being more humble and am decently moderately humble I feel like, but no one could ever be as humble as my Jesus, I hope I get close one day though. Then Scot said that we have to look out for others. We have to look to the interests of others (see Philippians 2:4) This kind of goes along with the being humble verse.

Then he spent time in the characteristics of Jesus that are described in Philippians 2:6-11. One part that really struck out to me is "Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, He made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." This really struck me because we, as humans, strive to make ourselves out like gods. Not God, gods. But we are always trying to one up everybody, trying to get the bigger this, the better this, the brighter future. We try to win whatever argument, conversation, etc that is going on. We all do it, don't even try to convince yourself you don't. At some point you try to be superior in your human experience, don't lie to yourself. Anyways. Jesus, my Savior, who actually IS God and IS the Savior of the world and does deserve to be the best, brightest, whatever made Himself NOTHING. He made Himself human, and not only human, but a servant. My Jesus is the most humble person in the world, universe, etc. He is the one who deserves all glory, laud, and honor, and made himself basically a piece of trash or something. Cleaning the feet of people, born in a manger, He is lowly in world views. Why wasn't He trying to keep up with Joneses'? Maybe because He knew there were far better things to come and that He had to be a humble servant to make those things happen. Maybe we need to be more like Jesus and leave our glory behind, especially in this holiday season coming up. We need to be more servant like, more humble, look out for others more, and be like minded. Remember, being like minded does not mean agreeing with everyone just seeing what they have to say with the SAME LOVE as Christ. Surely we can do this...I know it will be hard. But Scot said Leaving all our glory would be a beautiful thing...and I'm all into beautiful things right now so I am gonna work on leaving my glory. I know I will fail every day, probably every hour...but I'm gonna try to leave my glory for Jesus...I hope you will too.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Beautiful and blessed and more exciting news!

Well, I've had a very exciting, but very long 2 days. I called the GI doctor I wanted to see Monday to see if they had any intentions of scheduling an appointment with me because I had turned in my referral almost 2 weeks ago and still hadn't gotten a phone call about an appointment and knew I had to be seen to get scheduled for my remicade that I have to have on or around December 9th again, which is way soon....crazy. So anyways, I called and they were like oh yes, we tried to call you and your phone said some kind of verizon message (weird because I got other phone calls on the day they said they called) Anyways, they were very nice and were able to get me an appointment for the next day (yesterday) which is unheard of for getting into a specialist. I was super excited to finally get to meet this guy who is highly regarded in the GI community and was convinced in my head was going to save my colon! He belongs to 7 of the well touted GI research and professional associations, does the remicade infusions I was already receiving (which none of the GI doctors in the town I live in do), uses some newer treatments I haven't been able to try yet and some experimental ones, and most importantly and what made me ultimately decide to go to him is a Christian. His website says on it: "His practice philosophy is formed by his Christian faith to show genuine compassion to every patient and provide to them the best gastroenterological care possible." I love a doctor that comes straight out and says on their website that they are a Christian and use that as their philosophy, especially with the sometimes stigma on doctors to be purely scientific based in order to be successful. I have been very blessed to have Christian doctors that genuinely care for me and listen to me in the past and love that I will get to have a GI doctor that does the same now. Anyways, his office is 2 hours from my house, but I was convinced it was going to be worth it and there really was not a positive choice in terre haute where I live. There are only 3 GI doctors and none of them have had positive recommendations.

So, Tuesday morning I put a prayer request for a good fit and positive results on facebook and I left the house at 7:30 to get to the office at 9:30 and fill out my paperwork and meet the doctor that I'm still convinced will do this without surgery. And guess what. In good God style, my every dream came true. Not only is this doctor funny and genuine and nice. He listened to me for almost an hour, my whole crazy medical history, asked relevant questions, and then told me good news. Back story, the remicade infusions I get have only been recommended or approved for use in ulcerative colitis for a very short time (in fact I was one of the first cohorts of people to use it for UC) so there was little known about the effects of UC medication and remicade use at the same time. Since Asacol-the medicine I was on-was only used for UC it took the first cohort of people using remicade and Asacol together (me and several thousand other people) to find out that hey Asacol is a great medication for UC on it's own and remicade is a great medication for UC on it's own....but together not so much. In fact, using them together can cause more damage to your colon than not taking either of them at all. However, I was not informed of this (who knows if my dr knew this is newer information because they have only been used together for about 2 years if that and it took people like me getting as sick as I did to show the correlation) and in the process of me getting worse the dr was like hey you're getting worse so lets up your dose of Asacol. So instead of taking 4 pills a day of a medication that is contra indicated with another prescribed medication I was then taking 9 pills a day of a medication that is contra indicated with another prescribed medication. It was less than 2 months after my dose was raised that I eneded up in the hospital for 12 days and almost died...I was a little upset (minor sarcasm I was majorly upset) when I found this out...but we will deal with that later. PS--I'm pretty smart and I hate taking meds anyway so I had already quit taking the Asacol without doctor orders before I went into the hosptial for 12 days about a week prior...I could tell that my symptoms were way worse after ingesting the medication so I quit taking it on my own...this may have saved my life now that we look back at it...seriously.

Anyways, so no more Asacol, we are staying with the remicade because it gave me a quality of life back that I haven't had in years and works very well for me. However, new doctor dude said that there is another medication, azathioprine, that works very well with remicade and should put my disease in remission. There are pretty serious side effects, as with any medication, but heck he told me this pill could put my disease in remission and there would be no need for surgery not even soon but possibly ever. That is worth some side effects to me. The Azathioprine is an immunosuppressive drug so I am not supposed to be around people who are sick. I am starting it in the winter in Indiana...I fully expect to be pretty sick the next couple of months with colds and what not due to this fact. They said if I get a cold it will be pretty serious and could put me in the hospital. So please, if you are reading this and come into contact with me do not cough, sneeze, etc on me...I would really appreciate it :) Also, it can cause cancer...the same kind that the remicade can cause and especially when used together. However, I don't really care. I've said it before I'll say it again, every person on my mom's side of the family has had cancer (and survived for the most part), every person gets cancer pretty much now a days anyway, we all die, Jesus is in Heaven , there are no bills in Heaven, etc etc. So we all know we are getting cancer anyway...I just know what type I'm getting and why...hahaha...joke but serious at the same time. Plus I'm a fighter and cancer is it will be ok. All the research say the benefits far outweigh the risks and I believe so too because I get to keep my colon if it works, which was the plan now, wasn't it? So I felt the GI doctors visit went very well. They are also going to try to get my infusions scheduled for regional hospital which is in terre haute because there are rheumatologists that do them there and they can monitor my blood work through electronic records.

Anyways, I then headed back home and went to the general physician that I had found to get established and to ask about this intense muscle pain and weakness that I have been having for the past week to the point where it is debilitating (and why I'm up at 4 in the morning because I can't sleep). This was not a positive experience at all. Despite her having all of my medical records already she basically looked at my med list, looked at me, asked me some questions and called me a drug addict and said she wouldn't refill any of my pain medications or anxiety medications without drug testing me. Thank goodness none of them need refills right now because I will be finding a different doctor because if anyone knows me they know I do not take my meds like I should anyway, have painkillers left over from my surgery in January despite having 1 other surgery and 3 hospitalizations since then, and don't take my anxiety medication because it makes me feel to mellow anyways, and despite the extreme pain I've been in for the past week and a half to the point where I can't walk or move barely I have only taken a pain pill once and won't even take tylenol because I'm scared of what it will do to my liver. I was not excited at all...I want to report her to someone but don't know who or how. Then, since I am in pain, asked her what to do about it, and she said she was going to refer me to a rheumatologist but I probably wouldn't be able to get in for 3 or 4 months and until then I should just take pain medication to function. So she called me a drug addict then told me to take pain meds to function, like her suggestion for me to be able to get through the day for 3 to 4 months was to take pain medication, just to get out of bed for 3 to 4 months. Hell no. That is all I am saying about that. The end.

Tuesday night me and mom went with the cousins of my mom that helped me move up here and played basket bingo to help raise money for the Riley fire department which one of my relatives (distant) works at. I was a little skeptical at first when mom was telling me about it...but dang...let me tell you. That was seriously some of the most fun I've had in a while. I am very competitive (like none of you ever knew that) and it was such a rush waiting to hear the numbers called out and there were door prizes and a 50/50 raffle, etc. I didn't win. But it was still a blast. I can't wait til the next time (and now it is official that I am an Indiana transplant where we do things like tractor pulls and basket bingo- wait a second doesn't sound much different than Rowan county haha)

Yesterday now, or Wednesday, was pretty exciting. For me at least. I was in so much pain it wasn't even funny and I was pretty dizzy and nauseous because the GI doctor took all my blood on Tuesday but I had my appointment with the dietetics department chair at ISU and I was not going to miss that. So I got dressed and crawled my sorry bootay out of bed and downtown in the now cold (after a couple of days of 60s weather) to keep my appointment. She was awesome. She answered all of my questions. She told me that they know accept 16 people into the program instead of 12 and that in her 23 years of teaching there she had never gone to bed at night with a burning sad feeling that someone should be in that didn't get in. She said that I had great potential and could tell I was passionate about it and wanted to do it and felt certain that ISU would be a good fit for me. Of course there is an extensive application process to the program, including pre-requisites and I won't officially find out until April or May, but I feel like I could definitely be a fit into this program. I am still short 6 pre-requisites and I was going to take 2 at Ivy Tech (community college) this spring and 1 at Ivy Tech this summer and do the other ones slowly at ISU next year and then apply for the program for the following year (because you can only apply in the spring to start in the fall), but it just so happens (God and His timing again) that all of the pre-requisites are offered this spring at non conflicting time spaces at ISU and the other one is offered this summer at ISU. So, as long as I get in the university (I applied yesterday and they said I should definitely get in and registered by the beginning of December as long as they get my official transcripts) I can take all of the pre-requisites and apply to start the dietetics program this coming fall instead of the next fall. Which moves up my academic plan one full year!!!!! :) It also gives me more time to get the pre-reqs (which are required for a program at any school) out of the way, make sure I can handle physically going back to school again, and come up with a back up plan if I don't get into the dietetics program at ISU. Also, instead of going back to get a second bachelors they have a new program that is a Masters in Dietetics so I will be getting my masters instead of a BS and still be eligible to sit for the registered dietitian exam at the end of my course work and get a job as a RD/Masters certification level instead of just an RD level. If it all works out. I am so freaking excited! It is going to be a lot more work a lot faster than I expected and I hope my health can handle it...but I am very excited how windows and doors are flying open for me right now. Even though I miss my Salisbury family and friends immensely, I cannot deny the absolute hand that God has in my life right now. Despite all the pain, and bad days, my life is coming together faster and more beautifully and perfectly orchestrated than I could have planned with any amount of to do lists and planners that my ocd self uses...only God could do the things that are happening right now. And they could only be this beautifully done by him.

I am so blessed that He chose to make my life fall apart. I am so blessed that He chose me to be sick and He chose me to lose my job. Because I was complacent in my faith, I didn't know it, but I was way complacent in my faith, and now I'm not. Because now I see Him in everything...even the small things. Now I am blessed, my life is a mess, but I am blessed and I am more beautiful because of it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Healing birthday and other stuff...

I have been in some of the most intense pain of my life for the past week and it has not been pretty. I've also been flaring pretty bad with my colitis still and it has basically just been me laying in bed or the couch or the floor or wherever I am really, hurting extremely bad, and trying to get up to go to the bathroom and my leg muscles not working all the way and almost falling over and then almost passing out. Over and over again for over a week now. I don't know if my potassium is crashed again or if my muscles are just being annoying or if my back is messed up because the pain is mostly in my lower back and shooting down my right leg, but whatever it is is freaking annoying. I have also been getting very close to passing out if I stand up for longer than 10 minutes and especially if it is over 30.

Good thing is I am going to see a general practitioner tomorrow and I am going to have them check my electrolytes and my hemoglobin levels and talk to them about my muscles. My old doctor and several of my other specialists have thought that I had fibromyalgia, but it has always been one of those you already have this diagnosis and that diagnosis and do you really need another diagnosis? However, I can't get the medication for it without the diagnosis and I am tired of hurting. The chiropractor helps a lot, but with no income I can't afford to go every week like I used to so the off weeks are extremely painful. I am becoming more homebound by the day and the whole point of being here is that I am supposed to be getting better...and I just feel like I am getting worse. Something has got to give. One of the reasons I haven't been blogging is because my fingers hurt severely from the typing. So far today has been a good day though so I am going to try and get up and run some errands before I'm in bed for the rest of the day and hope that tomorrow the doctor will give me some more answers. I am also still waiting to hear back from the GI doctor I want to see for an appointment time to see if we can get this colitis a little bit more under control.

I am actually not in pain at all from the colitis which is very odd for me. Plus I am eating like a champ still and last time I checked I am up to 116.6 pounds. When I got released from the hospital I was 101 pounds so I'm definitely headed in the right direction. I am also not really going to the bathroom as much as I used to but it still could get better...maybe...maybe I am just going to be like this forever because that is what colitis does. But I really think my electrolytes, hemoglobin, and energy would be better if I didn't go to the bathroom as much because I am losing so much of what I'm putting in. I think. I don't really know.

Anyways. I have done some stuff the past week on days I felt ok for at least a little bit. I helped my mom out at work on Thursday so that she could have part of Friday off for veteran's day since she can't be off unless all of her work is done. I also ate lunch with her church women's group on Wednesday which was interesting. I had salad because the main course was made with cream of mushroom soup that wasn't gluten free...but it was good salad. Friday was veteran's day so the kiddos are out of school. My aunt is a professional photographer and takes the newborn pics for the hospital that is right next to our house (thank God in case there is an emergency with me). She still had to take pics because obviously newborns don't wait for holidays so she brought her kids, my cousins, over and we hung out while she was at the hospital taking pictures. Then we all went to go see Puss and Boots at the movie theater. We wanted to go see the 3-D one, but they couldn't get the projector to turn on so after we waited almost an hour we went to the 2-D one instead and got a refund for the 3-D portion of our tickets. It was fun to get to spend time with them though. They are all so busy, eventhough we are close we still don't get to spend a lot of time together and I love them so much :) The movie was better than I thought it would be and it was a good time. Then I was completely exhausted so I spent the rest of the day and night asleep.

Saturday was pretty low maintenance. We needed to plan menus and I can't find my menu planning papers anywhere (it's a magnet that has all the days laid out with space to write the meals for each day and your shopping list and I think it disappeared in the move). So I found this cool new website that is called It is so much fun and one of my new obsessions. You go on there type in your zip code and it brings up the stores near you. You pick the stores you shop at and it imports the sales into their database. Then you tell it what you feel like eating that week (chicken, pork, beef, etc and it has several choices for each, what kind of veggies you like, etc) and if you have any special diets (me being gluten free and allison-my sis- being semi vegetarian were clicked. Then it combines all that information, once you rate it in order of importance, and gives you recipes. You click on the recipes you want for that week and get enough for all your meals. Then when you are done you hit print and it prints out the recipes and your grocery list with the sales and everything. How awesome is that. Of course we needed to add snacks and stuff to the list, but within less than like 30 minutes we had menu for the whole week and a grocery list to go with it. Then all I had to do is cross reference with coupons and we were on our way. How cool is that? I almost passed out at the grocery store several times, but we did find gluten free oreos there so life was ok still. This week we will be having: "poverty meal"-which sounds like goulash, chicken with tomatoes and mushrooms, ground turkey shepherds pie, shredded french dip, spaghetti bake, and spaghetti squash chicken alfredo. Sounds great, right? I know I'm excited. I've really gotten into this cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, thing. The thing costs 15 dollars for the first 3 months (only 5 dollars a month for this month) but we think we can get enough recipes and menus in the first 3 months for us to not have to renew it for 10 dollars a month after that. So we are trying it and so far it has already paid for itself with the new recipes and ease of the shopping this week. My mom likes it because she doesn't do the whole menu planning thing. If it were up to her she would literally eat soup every meal of the day, but I like real meals. She likes it because if I don't feel good and can't cook (which was pretty much every day last week) she has the menu at hand and recipe printed out and just has to make what is on the menu and we know we have the stuff because the grocery list was created automatically from the recipes.

Yesterday I tried a new church and I LOVED it. It is called Maryland Community Church and it is non denominational. But I absolutely loved it. It is a bigger church and has definitely more contemporary music than was at FBC Salisbury but it reminded me a lot of St. Andrew's (my old church) on steroids. They start out with praise and worship music, then the message is brought (which was around 45 minutes yesterday but felt like no time at all) and then there is more praise and worship time where you can sit, stand, sing, not sing, pray at the alter, take communion whatever you feel the spirit is leading you to do. They also have a coffee/snack shop, and bookstore with new books that are relevant to classes they are offering. This Friday night the Chix group (women's ministry) is having a holiday craft night that I've already been invited too and they have so many small groups that sound like a lot of fun. The developmental disability home also brings their clients to worship there every Sunday so I feel like that may be something that I would love to get involved with and help with as well. One of my least favorite things about the church is that the communion is something I am not sure I can follow or allow myself to partake in without talking to a preacher because they just set up serve yourself stations throughout the sanctuary during the second praise and worship block and you just walk up and take it if you want it and don't if you don't. But I'm going to ask about it. One of my favorite things that I like about the church is that they do this thing called life journaling. It is a way for the whole church to read the entire Bible every year together. There is a different reading posted on their website every day and you read the readings (3 or 4 chapters a day from various parts of the Bible) and journal about a part of it that stands out to you. Then when you get together in your small groups that week or month or however often they meet you can talk about what stood out to you together. What a way to hold the entire church accountable for being daily in God's word. If you want to do it I will post the link to the church here: and you can just click on the today's life journal reading plan link and do it yourself. It gives you suggestions of how to journal using the SOAP method (which doctors and therapists use all the time--but this one is a little different) It says that you follow SOAP or scripture, observation, application, and prayer. You pick out one of the scriputures and write it down, write down what you think God is saying you in the scripture and how you will apply it to your life and then a short say a short prayer and write what you think God is responding to you. That part can be done later obviously. I just thought this is such a cool idea and a great way to make sure everyone in your church is on the same page. Love it. I think I will really like this church a lot...even though it is very different than a conservative southern baptist church.

Also, yesterday was my 2 year healing birthday. I was diagnosed with celiac and ulcerative colitis on November 13th, 2009. That means for 2 years and one day now I have known that I have these diseases and have been trying to tackle them head on. I feel like if I gave up when I found out I would have already had my colon removed and been more miserable than I am now. But I am a fighter and we will figure this out and it may be that eventually my colon does get removed. But right now I'm fighting, researching, medicating, listening to my body, and advocating for myself. Right now I am celebrating 2 years of knowing that I have 2 diseases that are controllable and manageable as long as you do it right. And 2 years of knowing that I am not as crazy as I thought because I actually do have diseases that are diagnosable. I was sick for almost 6 years before we found out what it was and everyone (doctors, friends, professors, etc) were beginning to think it was all in my head including me. But 2 years and 1 day ago I found out, and I started the healing process, and it has been beautiful and will continue to be beautiful.

So anyways that is about it, and I have a lot I want to get accomplished today and I'm already getting weakish. I need to go to walmart, take the recycling to goodwill and look for some jeans because I don't have but one pair that fits and it will be cold soon, call the doctors and change some appointments around, and work on coupons for the coming up week. Wednesday I am going to Indiana State University to meet with the chair of the dietitian department so if you could start praying about that now, that would be super great. I really want to get in there. Thanks. Okay that is all for now...gotta go be productive. Love you all and miss you all and I will be back in Salisbury in 15 days for those of reading from there!!! :) Can't wait :)


Monday, November 7, 2011

Running for dear life...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

For those of you that don't really know me, I have a slight obsession with running. I am one of those crazy people that like sits down and watches things on tv like the NYC marathon and track and field college meets and loves anything about running and learning about it and doing it. I used to run all the time to get rid of my stress. I haven't been able to run to the caliber that I would love to for a long time because I have been so ill, but I would still get out and jog on good days 3-5 miles. I also coached track at the middle school I worked at. At first I thought it would be something that hindered me because practices and meets were after school and because of my disease it was all I could do most days to make it through the school (work) day, let alone another 4-5 hours for a track meet. But coaching track was the highlight of my teaching career in all honesty. I felt like I was teaching these kids so much more than they could learn in a classroom; perseverance, strength, healthy habits, jumping, etc. I loved it. But it is because running is one of my passions. And it just so happens that it is a passion that, right now, I can't pursue because of my health. But I will again one day. But seeing my kids, my team running always made me happy. I would love to be that happy again, running, releasing endorphin's, etc. I was actually in the process, right before I got really sick, training for a half marathon to raise money for Crohn's and Colitis research through the Crohns and Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA) Team Challenge. Basically you raise a ton of money (several thousand dollars) for Crohns and Colitis research and they fly you to the site of the marathon, pay for your registration, feed you and put you up for 3 days, and you run the marathon in honor of somebody or for yourself as an honored member. But that idea came crashing down for sure. Right now though I need to take a break from running to get my health back because I know running will probably way reverse any progress I have made so far, and one day I will get to run the race as a survivor and someone in remission from this horrible disease hopefully.

One kind of funny story is the second hospital I was in on my 12 day hospital stint was a teaching hospital and every day I had a different student nurse. They basically had to figure everything out about me each different day so I had to tell my whole medical history all over again. And they would always ask me things about my social history like what do you do for fun, etc. I would always say I love to fun, that is my stress reducer (which it is). And then because of how loopy I was and how much I just wanted to be out of bed I would always tell them--pretty persistently--that I wanted to get out of the hospital and go run a couple of miles right then. This was pretty hilarious because during most of this time because of my potassium crash which kills your muscles basically I was barely able to stand up, let alone walk far, let alone run anywhere...but that is what I wanted to do because the hospital was stressing me out and I wanted out of that room and I just wanted to run. Then the nurses would calm me down and convince me I didn't need to run right then and then I would tell them ok, I'll start next week. Well it's been next week plus several more and there still has definitely been no running. I have been completely devoid of energy all the time, and I am still very weak in terms of my muscles and coordination and stuff (although I am much better in that respect).

My colitis has been really really acting up and I have felt pretty lethargic and the inflammation I could tell was getting pretty bad. I haven't gotten into my new GI doctor yet so I knew I needed to do something. So this weekend after some research and advice from good friends I started taking flaxseed oil pills (which are super high in omega 3's-which naturally reduce inflammation and are just good for you in general and your body doesn't produce on it's own) and some probiotics. The GI doctor I used to go to kept telling me the reason I kept going to the hospital is because I wasn't taking my probiotics. But I don't know if any of you have ever bought probiotics but they are freaking expensive and after all the different meds and pills and treatments and on and on that are literally thousands of dollars a month I couldn't stand to shell out another 45 dollars a month for another pill that may or may not work. I am paying gobs of money for medicine that someone worked hard to invent and it's not working why would this work? Well people let me tell you. I have been on these supplements for 2 days now...and I feel awesome! Like OMG I could run a marathon right now if I wanted to. I am happy and energetic, but still tired, like that makes sense at all. I can tell that I am tired but I have enough motivation to get me to be successful at what I need to do.

Today I found a general practitioner, found somewhere to get my medication administered, called my old doctor, got my prescriptions transferred, checked out a new grocery store, found gluten free tortillas, got excited, transferred my medical records, cooked lunch for me and mom, washed dishes, went to the store for mom, came home, made gluten free cheez-its, called the insurance company, cooked me and mom dinner-quesidillas (yum), cleaned the kitchen, took the dogs out, cleaned my room, folded 2 loads of laundry, and now I'm doing this. There were breaks in there but I have been up since 7:45 and it is now 11:15 and I still have so much energy. I love how I feel, I feel healthy and I feel happy, I feel like I am winning the race. Granted I am still sick, trust me, my colon is not better yet and you don't want to know how I know that. But I feel so much better and I can tell that this may work, or at least help out a lot. I am excited that I might be able to do something that may get me off the meds mostly. That would be awesome!!!

I also realized while pondering on the Hebrews verse above that even though I gave up physical running I really haven't given up the running that is the most important. I haven't given up running towards God, and running the race He had set out for me. I have complained, I have cried, I have asked why, but I have never given up. I moved, I take my meds, I do what I am supposed to do, and I have a (mostly) positive attitude about it. I strive to honor Him in all I do in this journey and I have to have perseverance to win. The verse says to throw off EVERYTHING that hinders, not some things, everything. Just because my entire life was changed and turned upside down does not mean that God is hindering me, it means that He is giving me a new route to run, perhaps a longer route, perhaps a rougher route, but He is still letting me run this race towards Him, and for that I am thankful. Because let's face it the alternative of not running the race of perseverance is quite daunting, right? So I'm going to embrace the spiritual race of running for right now and focus on getting that right and then hopefully get back to physical running at some point soon. Maybe I'll get to be part of team challenge next year as one of the honored members, that would be awesome, to be a survivor of the dreaded disease and get to run to raise money for research so more people wouldn't have to suffer as much as I and many others have :)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Living with outrageous joy

So since I didn't write in so long and yesterday was completely different I will update some now. But there isn't really a lot to update.

Since Saturday I've been pretty sick until yesterday. I was not really able to get out of bed much at all except to run to the bathroom pretty frequently. I was able to keep eating though so at least I wasn't losing weight. I did manage to go to the trunk or treat at my mom's church to help out with crafts and that was semi fun except for the fact that I felt horrible the whole time. Sunday was pretty exciting because I think I found a church that I will like here.

It definitely was not FBC Salisbury...but it might do for a while...It is called First Baptist Church of North Terre Haute and it is American Baptist not Southern Baptist-which I can already tell will take some adjustment but not as much as a completely different denomination. The people were really nice, almost everyone that saw me sitting by myself in the back came up and introduced themselves, one guy (who I am guessing must be a deacon or the like because he later helped with the offertory) even gave me his card and told me to call him if I needed anything and then went around to different people in the congregation and found someone my age that agreed to let me sit with her. The music was really's all pretty much praise and worship music not much traditional music but I'm sort of ok with that...I love the praise and worship but I'm also a sucker for a good hymn thrown in there so if it is only praise and worship all the time I might have to shop around some. The preacher was really good. He is doing a sermon series right now called Outrageous Joy out of the book of Phillipians which is one of my favorite books of the Bible anyways so it is easier to be good...this last week was on Phillipians 1:12-21 and he was talking about how our circumstances- no matter what they are- can further advance the kingdom of definitely reminded me of what I'm going through and kind of what I am doing with this blog. I hope that people are realizing through my writings and hope that I am reminding myself that it will be ok and God is using this for greater good in some reason. So I really liked the church and hopefully i will meet some more people soon...they have a young adult group that meets on Sunday nights I want to go too but I didn't go last week because it was their fall party and that didn't seem appropriate to go the first time. Plus the walls of the sanctuary are no lie Carolina blue...perfect...right.

I also got registered for my classes at Ivy Tech next semester and will basically be going to school from 1:30 to 6:15 on Tuesdays and Thursdays which isn't bad for 2 upper level science classes. I will also have a 45 minute break in between to chill out/eat/and do homework. I am still in the trying to get in to talk to someone at ISU stage to see if I will actually be able to do this dietitian thing here...which it pretty much has to be here because I am not a resident anywhere else at this point and I don't have any income right now so I don't have a lot of money to fork out for college.

Oh and speaking of income, I applied today to be sub for the school system up here...there aren't benefits but I can work on days I feel like I can work and it's pretty good pay and they pay direct deposit weekly. Hopefully I can start subbing soon. I've also applied for disability and am waiting to here back from that so hopefully I'll at least get some disability coverage and some subbing and I will have some money. Right now we are actually doing okay in terms of paying the bills (minus my car which we are going to have to get rid of soon) but there is very little left over after that...I mean like very tonight I spent about 3 hours couponing and we are going to go shopping Saturday and see how much savings I managed to come up with...I'm excited to see...we are also going to go to Sam's club to see if there is some good stuff that we can buy in bulk :) Oh and another really exciting thing is I found this thing called Gluten Free Saver which is like a gluten free groupon site. This week is the first week they've been in operation and I got the deal which was spend 15 dollars and get a 30 dollar voucher for gopicnic products which are like gluten free lunchables and you have to pay for shipping and handling. I ended up getting 7 complete meals for only 28 dollars including shipping that is only 4 dollars a meal which is incredible for gluten free convenience food. Plus they don't have to be refrigerated or heated up to eat so if the power goes out or something I'll have something to eat that is non-perishable. These could be great ideas for the food pantries I want to open up at some point....great ideas...

Anyways...that is pretty much it for now...trying to do a good job of living in outrageous least for now...despite the circumstances :)

PSBTW 25 days til Salisbury!!!! :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I have been a very bad blog writer lately...I apologize for that...

I don't really know why I haven't written in a record breaking 6 days. I used to do it every night before I went to bed as sort of a recap of my day and as my "quiet time" with God. Then I didn't, honestly, I was too tired from all the stuff I've been trying to do to get my life in Indiana set up, which I am quickly realizing is going to take much more than a couple of days given the amount of energy I have. Then I decided that I wasn't writing because I was sad, I'm in this new place, I don't have anyone to 'hang out with', I'm at home alone all day, I have zero money, I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss so much and no one wants to hear me whine and complain all day about stuff that probably to you seems so trivial. Then I decided I was too sick to write anything and just needed to rest and writing was too stressful, plus no one wanted to hear about me being sick.

For the past 2 nights I've said, "I can't go to bed until I do my blog." And for the past 2 nights I've watched just one more episode of 'Friends' after another on Nick at Nite until I passed out and woke up at 3 am and that is not the time to write a blog for sure. So anyways...I haven't written, but now I am...even though I am finally writing now that doesn't mean that the aforementioned thoughts are still not ever present in my mind and my heart and probably going to influence my writing. But I want this post to be about thankfulness.

You see far too many people skip the whole Thanksgiving holiday thing and it kind of actually really upsets me. Thanksgiving is almost as important of a holiday as Christmas and Easter are in my opinion. But American culture go straight from Halloween (which I typically do not even celebrate--for example this year my mom and I only gave out candy to the cousins that came over and some other extended family members that had scheduled times to come trick or treating no one else received candy from us) to Christmas. Two holidays that are all about presents and gluttony and hoarding galore (besides the whole like Christ being born part of Christmas that is so often forgotten now a days). There are Christmas decorations up in stores before Halloween is even over and no one even bats an eye to think that Thanksgiving is a big deal anymore. Thanksgiving is important, we should all learn to be more thankful--especially in America where we have so much more than many other countries in the world, yet all we do is want want want more and more. Thanksgiving is celebrated because of our abundant blessings of food and a country that was founded where we have freedom. And you know Thanksgiving has to be important because only really important holidays warrant an entire week off school like the only other ones that get time off like that or more are Christmas and Easter (although those are now referred to winter and spring break). So why do more people not celebrate being thankful.

The Bible has an awful lot to say about Thanksgiving and being thankful let me just share a couple verses with you:

"give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes 5:18

"giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Ephesians 5:20

"oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 107:1

"and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:15-17

We are called to be thankful, and I, for one, confess that the past week I have not followed the path of what God would want me to do in being thankful. I have not in whatever I have done in the past week been thankful...but then I remembered my issue with forgetting thanksgiving and remember what I did last year in November to celebrate thanksgiving. Every day in the month of November (all 30 of them not just until Thanksgiving) I made my facebook status for the day something that I am thankful for. And I am ashamed to admit that it was a very, very hard task there towards the end to have enough to have 30 different things. I wrote them all down so I would not repeat. So I am doing it again this year and am going to try to live this next month with only a thankful attitude...which I am honestly telling you I have already failed at...but that is the point of forgiveness and grace, right? Yesterday I was thankful for being able to sleep in so I could feel better and today I was thankful for having some energy to get things accomplished...sooo there are my first 2 days of being thankful, what are yours? There have also been some other pretty cool things going on in Terre Haute life, but this posting has been a little long so I will save that for tomorrow...which I promise will come...because I will be better about blogging...

So find something to be thankful for today, because I guarantee you, even if you think your life stinks and you are the bottom of the have something to be thankful for and you are much better off than most of the people in the be thankful for that...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

the root of all evil

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with all kinds of griefs." 1 timothy 6:10

I have been trying to remember this verse in my head for basically since I quit my job. Money can be the root of all kinds of evil, but it can also be used for good as long as it is used in the right way. Money given to God is good, after all it is all His anyway, money for charity is good, money is good for many things. However, I am more concerned about the evil part of money right now. The part that is causing me to potentially wander or not really wander but be unsteady in my faith. The part that makes me cry and be mad at people for no good reason. The part that fills me with all kinds of grief.

Particularly, this week, the first week I've been in Indiana with my mom and and all my bills are coming due and there is no money and mom has no money and on and on has this verse been very prevalent in my mind. Especially since the bills keep coming and there is no hope of having an actual income coming in soon. I am in the process of applying for disability but that takes a while and will probably be denied. I'm not allowed to work yet at a real like job where you are scheduled to work. I can't get unemployment because I moved out of state. I did, however, attempt to start and hope it takes off my own tutoring business so that I can make some money that way but it won't be much, at least it will be something. But, it is near impossible to start your own business in this economy anyway, especially if you know virtually no one in the town you are trying to start it in.

So right now I feel worthless and I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. I know in my head that it is not my fault I am sick, it is not my fault I can't work, it's not my fault. However, I know it is my fault that I didn't have a savings account because I wasn't a good steward of my money before this happened, I know it's my fault that I have so many bills, I know it's my fault that I don't want to let my car go. I also know it is not my mom's fault or my insert other relatives fault that I am in this situation either, but they are the ones that are attempting, though not successfully enough to bail me out of this situation that I am in and that is what makes me feel the most guilty and worthless of all.

I am a 26 year old person that has a college degree and almost has a masters degree that, through circumstances (some controllable and some uncontrollable), has ended back up in her mother's house. My mom worked for the federal government for 35+ years and retired with recognition. My mom worked so hard to give me and my sister a good life while being a single parent in a horribly rich and stuck up town, even though we weren't rich or stuck up. My mom now is working part time after her retirement not because she wants too (although she thoroughly enjoys her job) but because she has too because she is now paying her bills, the student loans she took out on us to put us in college so both me and my sister could not work jobs in our degree area, and then take us back into her home years later and pay our adult bills because we are not able too. I used to not enjoy my mother, I used to not understand why we didn't have the things we wanted, why we weren't as cool as the other kids, why we didn't get brand new hummers when we turned 16 and why she was always so tired and didn't do things with us. Now I know it's because my mom spent her life making sure that me and my sister had everything we NEEDED and more, to make sure that we could be educated, and to make sure that we knew we could come home if we needed too.

I know that I don't want to be here, and I know that I feel guilty and worthless, and I know that I have bills that are unbelievable right now that are due in 4 days that we have no idea how they are going to get paid. But I know that it is okay because God and my mom love me. I think my sister loves me most of the time and I know I have friends and family that love me.

I know that some of my friends I have pissed off lately. But I'm hoping by being this open and honest in my blog that I just put everything out there that they can understand why. I have grown up my entire life around rich, stuck up people that flaunt there money all over the place and buy new hummers on a whim for their 16 year old kids to total then buy them a new one next day or the like. And I have never been rich ever and it always hurts...deep...because I don't know how someone can work so dang hard and never have any money...and I don't know how someone like me can be living one month thinking I'm poor making 33000 dollars a year and the next month literally have nothing in her bank account and be so okay with it...until someone asks why there is no money then it is a big deal...except to can be the root of all evil...and money can shake your faith...but money can also do good...and i'm hoping for the good...eventually...hopefully it will work out...and hopefully my friends can forgive me when I'm in this rebuilding process and understand a little bit where I am coming from...and understand that sometimes things aren't what they seem and sometimes words are interpreted wrong...and sometimes people are trying the hardest they can and they have a fake smile on their face and they are acting like they have it all together, but they are very hurt inside and vulnerable and you have to treat them like porcelain dolls because one wrong move and they will break but that isn't your fault it's my fault because I'm the one that is messed up and hurt...even though I have a smile on my face and am trying the hardest I can...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


So I haven't posted at all since I left Salisbury, rode across the country, moved into my mom's house and sat here for 2 days wondering what to do.

We weren't able to fit everything I had into the minivan and my car. But we were only not able to get some books and one of my chairs into the vehicles and a friend is storing them for me until I come back in December. Then we took off. We drove all the way to London, Kentucky and we had fun besides the whole being stuck in the car thing. We had a lot of fun in the hotel room on Saturday night then Sunday we woke up and finished driving to Indiana. Sunday was not as good of a day. I was in a lot of pain and I really wanted to be at church. But it was ok. We got here and we unpacked the car and basically we all crashed. The weekend was so exhausting. I still haven't been able to do much but sleep the past 2 days.

My muscles are hurting pretty bad and none of my unpacking is done besides my bed and tv. Not everything is going to fit in my room, or my closet. Not everything is probably even going to fit in the house...but it will be ok. Tomorrow I plan to tackle some stuff of unpacking and hope that I can get some other stuff done around town.

I've been adjusting ok, but I definitely had my first real breakdown on Sunday night when I saw how much stuff I still have and how much space I don't have. I've been doing better day by day emotionally though.

It was a rough weekend to move anyway because even though I was going 'home' I've never actually lived here. It is where my mom grew up, but I've only visited here a handful of times. This is not my home. My home is in Salisbury where I found myself, where I moved to because I went to college there and it was homecoming weekend. All my friends were coming back in town and all their facebook status updates were like homecoming yay...and I was like hey I'm moving across the country today away from my home where I know no one besides my cruel...

Anyways, the day I was shopping with wifey in downtown Salisbury like the week I got out of the hospital we went to Critters which is a unique gift shop. Randomly I noticed that they had like Salisbury memorabilia and I looked at it. One of the things was one of those little wooden signs that have cutsey sayings on them and one of them said Salisbury: Home is where your journey begins" Of course, I had to buy it because in a lot of ways my journey began in Salisbury. I found out who I was, I found a career, I lived on my own, bought a car, moved somewhere where I knew no one and found a life. I needed that sign to put in my new home to remind me that as long as I'm on a journey I'm at home. As long as I am doing what God needs me to do I am home. Because as much as people think it's true my home really isn't Salisbury, Charleston, Maryland; or Terre Haute,Indiana. My real home, the only home that matters, is Heaven. And I haven't gotten there yet physically but my spirit is there and because of that any place that is currently 'home' can be my home because God will get me through it and I know that in the long scheme of things it is only temporary, I will be home one day soon...and I will get to stay there for eternity with no threat of being uprooted. I can't wait for the ultimate homecoming celebration :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

better than i deserve

Today was my last day in Salisbury for a while and it certainly was a busy one...I got up and went to the chiropractor to get adjusted and then got coffee from Port City Java. Then I came home and Deborah met me at my house and we cleaned and packed for quite a long time. Well she cleaned and I packed and got worn out and tired. I packed the stuff for the church for someone to come and pick it up. Once we had gotten a fair amount of the kitchen clean we went out to lunch at OCharley's and it was really good.

Then we stopped by Catawba and I got the money for the laptop I sold to one of my old professors. Then we went back and cleaned and packed some more. Then I had to be in like 5 places at once but it all worked out. I had to go to the post office because I had a certified letter I had to pick up. Then I had someone that needed me to drop off my blender, pick up my washer and dryer and pick up the stuff for the church, and someone that wanted me to drop off my barstools all at the same time. All while I am not even at my apartment because the line at the post office was ridiculously long and I knew I needed to get that letter since I am leaving tomorrow. Well let me tell you how God works. I left the post office Rick calls me and says he is on his way to my apartment. Crystal the person who bought my washer and dryer and we weren't sure how we were going to move it calls me and says she is headed to my apartment, right when Rick is on his way there with his son. So I knew that I had someone to help move the washer and dryer. So the washer and dryer are gone and the church stuff is gone. The person I was supposed to meet at the mall to give my blender agreed to just come to the church and the person getting the barstools was running late so that wasn't an issue either. Then I still had to go get my oil changed so I ran the barstools down to her house and went to get my oil changed. Then I dropped some stuff off at goodwill then went to Janna's house to eat dinner.

We ate dinner and talked and hung out and had fun. Her kids are so cute and I am so sad that I am going to have to miss most of their like major growing up. By the time I come back officially Grayson will be in school how crazy is that. I was there the day both of her kids were born. I can't believe how much they have both grown. Anyways. I still have stuff to pack and I am still hyperventilating pretty often wondering if all the stuff I have is going to fit in the vehicles even though I know it will because God will make everything I need fit...even though that may mean I need to get rid of some more stuff tomorrow...because I said I know He will make everything I need fit not everything I want and I have plenty of what I want right now, not just what I need. I can't imagine what I did with all the rest of that stuff that I had beforehand. Right now all my possessions fit in my living room and there is still space to walk and I am not even keeping some of the stuff that is still in I really don't have much...but I still have way more than I need and most of it is stuff that I want.

So even though I sit here, blogging, and contemplating how I can possibly think about sleeping part of my last 10 hours in my beloved Salisbury away...I realize that despite all the bad, despite the fact that I have to leave my home...I am better than I deserve, blessed abundantly, and one of the richest people in the world not because of my finances obviously (although I did manage to make almost an entire months salary by selling my stuff...go God) but because I have the biggest support system a girl could ask for. And I know that I have friends that love me and will continue to support me no matter where I am, and I know that no matter what Salisbury is my home...and it always will be part of me, even if the plan doesn't work out and I don't get to come back ever after tomorrow...this beloved town will always be my first official home and I will always have the fondest memories of her :)