Not much has changed since I blogged last, now my life pretty much consists of go to school, sit through class in pain, try to retain information while I do it, then come home and go to bed. In between classes I hang out in the commuter lounge and do my homework so that I don't have to worry about that when I get home because by the time I get home I am so exhausted and hurt so bad I can barely think, let alone do homework. On days where I have a longer break between classes, I come home and take a nap and eat lunch then go back. I am doing really well academically in my classes though and am enjoying the content I am learning. I just wish that it didn't hurt so bad. Honestly, some days, especially lately I don't know if I even want to be in school. I am so tired and so irritable because I am so tired. Then I'm like, in my head, well now I have disability so I don't technically have to go back to school. But I also don't want to live off the government forever and I don't want to be not a productive citizen for the rest of my life. I want to be able to get this degree so that I can do something productive and good for society, I just don't want it to make me this tired and make me hurt this bad. Hopefully, I will get through it...only like 13 more weeks this semester...haha...
Anyways, this weekend it was super icy here and they declared a level 1 emergency state because of the ice which means that no one is supposed to be driving because of how bad the ice is and you can even get a ticket if you are caught on the roads. Well, I still have been having some minor issues driving under normal circumstances because my muscles are weaker and I have slower reaction times so I knew that I for sure was not going anywhere this weekend because I would for sure wreck on ice. Therefore, I had a nice relaxing weekend in my bed which I needed after the previous week at school. The only time I really left the house was on Saturday night. We threw a surprise party for my cousin's baby shower. We told her we were getting together for her birthday (which was MLK, Jr day) and had her baby shower instead. Long reason why...but the only thing you need to know is it was a success and even with the ice (though some of it had melted by then) there were a lot of people there. Though the whole time on the way to my aunt and uncle's house I was like please don't die, etc...because I was scared even though mom kept telling me it was ok. That is pretty much all I did all weekend though. This Friday (at 2 pm for those of you who like to pray at the exact time people) I will go to yet another specialist...a rheumatologist this time and hopefully get some more answers and get on a road to recovery of my other illnesses. At this point in my quest for health of the past 2 years I've seen approximately (and I say approximately because I may have forgotten some) 1 general physician, 9 specialists (1 orthopedist, 2 neurologists, 2 cardiologists, 4 GI docs), 2 chiropractors, 3 ob/gyns, and a physical therapists. I have had about 5 or 6 CT scans, 3 MRI's, 5 colonoscopies, 1 sigmoidoscopy, probably somewhere near or over 100 tubes of blood drawn, worn a 24 hour holter monitor at least 4 times, had 8 ekgs done, 3 echocardiograms, and a tilt table test, and had 2 surgeries. I take somewhere between 10 and 15 pills a day and that is on a good day when I don't need painkillers. I get infusions of medication every 8 weeks and I get a shot every 3 months to keep me from getting huge cysts on my ovary because they don't know why I get them, but if I ovulate I get them and they won't take out my ovary like I ask them to because I'm too young and could have kids...but all my diseases cause infertility...don't ask...omg...So anyways, all this is to say, prayers would be appreciated this Friday at 2:00 PM to hopefully be the visit to close to one of the last specialists and that this one will have a right answer or at least believe me that I am sick. On to happier parts of blogging...or different anyways...
I am having a really great time with my small group. We have so much fun together, and we are trying at least to hold each other accountable for our respectable sins. The book we are doing is awesome, it reminds us that the sins that we do daily are the same as the 'big time' sins that we as Christians so commonly judge on a daily basis. I didn't realize until I started doing this study just how much I sin and how much it hurts God. Like every time I get frustrated and yell at my mom for waking me up from my nap, or every time I tell a white lie, or every time I complain about the disease that God trusted me to have because I can't be normal, or every time I on and on and on. As you can tell if you have read this entire post, being in this study has obviously not stopped me from committing "respectable sins" because I have complained about my disease in this post already among other things I am sure. I sin probably like every 0.4325 seconds and you do too...but that just makes it so much worse. Because now that I'm aware I'm sinning every 0.4325 seconds I should be able to be like okay God you did this huge thing for me...you saved my life...you sent your sin to come and die for me and I can't even do something so small as to stop sinning and hurting you. But it's impossible, that is why I am thankful beyond a shadow of a doubt for grace and forgiveness and that is why I am so incredibly mad at myself for knowing that I'm willingly hurting my God every day. But that is what we do, we sin, we ask for forgiveness, and then we sin again and then He forgives me again. UNBELIEVABLE! It is unreal the love that my God loves me with...and loves you with! It is unreal to me that my God would love me enough that the disease that I complain about every day that is so small in comparison to what he has done for me to live with He still chooses to heal me from, to let me have good days, to put dr's and friends in my life to save me from death. It is unreal to me that every time I sin it's like He says don't worry Megan, this one's on me, I got your back, you didn't really do that. Unreal. Anyways....I am done ranting about this, for now...I am now going to leave you with some Bible verses and quotes from the book that have really stuck out to me throughout this study. The quotes come from the book Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges unless otherwise noted.
"Whoever keeps the whole law, but fails in ONE point has become accountable for ALL of it." James 2:10
"But the fact still remains that the seemingly minor sins we tolerate in our lives do indeed deserve the curse of God."
"The acceptable sins are subtle in the sense that they deceive us into thinking they are not so bad, or not thinking of them as sins, or even worse, not even thinking about them at all!"
"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost." 1 Timothy 1:5
"My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things: that I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Savior." John Newton
"Preach the Gospel to yourself every day"
"Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin." Romans 4:7-8
"If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves...on the other hand, if we admit our sins--make a clean breast of them--God won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing." 1 John 1:8-9