Monday, December 31, 2012

Ramblings of the past 3.5 months at 3:30 am :)

I know I never ever write in this thing...ever...I apologize if you've stumbled upon here from invisible illness week and I never updated...I apologize if you live where I once did and you have no information about me for the past 3.5 months...I apologize if you're bored and didn't want to stare at the t.v. for the 27th hour in a row and this is an escape (not just mine, but any blog) but ya know is there...
I last wrote in here during invisible illness week and vowed to write every day that week, and haven't written since. November was national health blog post month where people with health blogs were supposed to write following a prompt every day for a month (I didn't once). I've had Thanksgiving break and almost all of winter break...but now here I am. At 3:30 in the morning in level like 12,000 pain with a phenegren and 5-500 norco in me and still wide awake (for those of you without health issues those 2 drugs separately would put most grown men down, i should definitely be at least a little sleepy).
So what have I been up to the last 3.5 months you ask? school. that's what.
I remember when school was easy, I didn't have to pay attention or show up and I got an A without trying. Now...It's real hard. See between my dysautonomia and fibromyalgia I got this lovely thing called brain fog. I can't remember car keys if they aren't on the dresser when I walk in my room, they are lost for a super long time. One of my friends at school told my mom when she was over here (becasue she is awesome and comes here to study so I don't have to go out after classes) it always seems like I am looking for, keys, car, books, wallet, etc and she would be correct...but if you ask me to remember a phone number that i dialed once 10 years ago, it's there...just ask me. how weird. But anyways, since I have brain fog now the RDA, DRI, and EAR level of Biotin is not exactly in the working memory really well so I have to study extra hard. Good thing I studied extra hard though because even with 17 credit hours and being sick I made a 3. 7 this semester! Go me!
Clinical's sucked this semester...bad...I hope it's the worst of all of them. I'm pretty sure the only thing I learned in them is I NEVER want to be a food service dietitian. I will ALWAYS appreciate chefs, and more importantly sous chefs and line cooks, way more than anyone will ever know. They work hard. I worked hard. I am pretty sure the work I did this semester; standing in a hot kitchen, for 6-8 hours at a time, in shoes that hurt, in long pants, wearing gloves, and cutting and stirring things repeatedly; put my healing back several years. But I did it and it's over and I don't have to redo it!!!! :)
Small group was great this semester. These ladies are the biggest blessing in my life right now. We did Beth Moore's relatively new, if not newest study, So Long Insecurity. Talk about insecurity. First off, I'm a woman. Second, I had my super successful, perfect little life ripped away from me because of something I can't control. Thirdly, I'm a woman. yeah. Did I say how much I love these ladies? Nothing can replace the love and family I had at FBC Salisbury...which brings me to another problem. I don't have a church here. I liked Maryland where I found my small group, but the service is 1.5 hours in a stadium seating theater place and I can't sit there that long. Also, there is a guy that hugs people when you walk in and everyone knows I don't like to be touched, let alone full frontal hugged, but I'm too nice and non-confrontational to tell him I don't want him too. My old therapist would laugh at this :) Here in lies another problem with not having a church, I would LOVE to start a chronic illness support group. But if I did, it would have to be at a church, because it would be faith based, because the only thing that has gotten me through this crap with somewhat of a positive attitude is my faith in God.
Healthwise has been up and down of course. Every day is pretty painful, having to get up and get out of bed because my program only allows one absence for the semester. I did get accepted into a fibromyalgia study where they are studying the use of laser therapy and resistance training and pain level. I've only done preliminary testing so far, I start the official study and find out what group I'm in sometime in January. I've been having severe abdominal pain again and not been hungry and sometimes not being able to keep food down even if I do eat it. My GI doc wanted me to have a EGD and colonoscopy (my 7th total in 2 years) the day after thanksgiving, but that was a no go for 2 reasons. I wouldn't be eating on thanksgiving and the sedation knocks me out for much more time than normal people and I couldn't miss the last 2 weeks of classes and finals, so I had it done the Tuesday after finals. The lower part, where the pain is just showed inactive left colon ulcerative colitis (which is a praise the Lord since last September they were wanting to take out my whole colon because my colits was so bad, but still didn't give an answer). The upper part showed erosive esophogitis due to undiagnosed and therefore untreated GERD. This is why I've been having trouble swallowing, burning, and too much coughing. Since none of this was an answer to my actual problems I had a CT with contrast (oral and IV) done that the nurse called to tell me wasn't "too alarming" and I could go over the results and next steps at my appointment on January 16th...which is still 3 weeks away and I am still super nauseous, I'm in pain that is crazy, and I just want to be able to eat...and that's not happening...good thing is I'm losing weight, but not in a good way :(
other things on my mind right now that you probably don't care about:
1. I really don't know why my body reacts opposite to all meds
2. I miss my spoon ring
3. I miss my unswollen body
4. I want new organs
5. I really miss playing music...I played for piano the first time in like 7 months yesterday and it was awesome.
6. It was amazing how weird it was at first where I was trying to read the notes, then something in my head turned on and was like just play it and I didn't need to read the notes anymore.
7. When FoodNetwork tells you to have a goodnight and it's actually morning you've been up way too long.
8. I can't wait to start my thesis on "The effects of an anti-inflammotory diet in patients with fibromyalgia"
9. I'm finally getting tired :)
10. I got a puppy you people don't even know I got a puppy
Here is a picture:
All done, have a good day :)

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