Thursday, July 4, 2013

Independence Day?!

 Independence Day. 237 years ago today America became a country. The United States of America became the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave." America became the place everyone moved to because anyone could believe or do whatever they wanted...even though we know from living here that that is not necessarily true. I mean there was that whole civil rights movement, the killing of the Native American's, the killing and condemning of homosexuals, separation of church and state, all kinds of people doing all kinds of things and getting all kinds of persecuted for it even though we have free speech here and all kinds of amendments and a bill of rights to protect us, and now worst of all the Paula Deen scandal (laugh people it's a joke).

Anyways, I digress...

On this Independence Day. I decided I was going to be independent. And by independent I mean about as dependent as independent can get.

I was going to go to the grocery store ***gasp*** I know!! shocking!! I can't believe it myself!! And I shouldn't have done it. You see, I haven't been to the grocery store in about 4 months, because every time I go to the grocery store, I make it about halfway through and feel like I'm gonna pass out and have to sit down and it's annoying and people stare at me. Then I have to find mom when I recover and then I decide to run back and get goat cheese and then run back to the front and then I black out and get a crowd of people around me asking if I'm ok. Yeah, this is all true story. P.S. There is now a bench in the middle of the grocery store we shop at and it didn't used to be there and I think they put it there for me.

Anyways. Today, I wanted to feel independent. So I rode in my moms car where we parked in a handicap space and walked slowly in and I held on to the cart and we walked slowly through the store. I made it to aisle 4 before I knew I was going down. I went up to the front of the store and got a drink out of the cooler and sipped on it and made it to aisle 9 where the bench was and sat there until mom got to aisle 13 and rejoined her. Then we finished the last 3 or 4 aisles together. And while she checked out I sat on the bench at the front of the store and sat in the car while she loaded the groceries into the car.

When we got home I still wanted to be independent so decided to unload all the groceries myself while mom relaxed since I wasn't much help at the store. Then I made these really pretty parfait things for dessert, then I made green beans and boiled potatoes for dinner, then I tried to make biscuits and they still didn't work (I really think gluten free flour does not rise or something). All this took a couple hours. I did take a 2 hour nap while the gelatin was setting for the parfaits, but other than that I was working like a maniac. And then by the time all the food was done, I had a migraine and was too nauseous and tired to eat hardly anything. I managed to get my green beans in, but that's it. After killing myself cooking all day. Mom made steaks on the grill and I love steaks on the grill. I was so looking forward to it. I could not even barely lift my hand up with the fork in it I was so tired. I did manage to eat my parfait after we got the kitchen cleaned up just because there was no room in the fridge and you eat that with a spoon ;)

While I was eating my parfait, I was strolling through pinterest and saw the below quote and about fell out of my floor. I was already formulating this blog in my head, but didn't know where I wanted to go with it. And this quote slapped me in the face.

"Being an independent women means you can manage without the help of others, without having to prove it."

So basically, I have been spending the whole day trying to be independent BECAUSE it's Independence Day and because I'm currently having an internal battle and spiritual battle of why it stinks so bad of how dependent I am currently...which means that I'm trying to prove I'm independent, which means I'm not independent at all.

So while I'm being all whatever I'm being let's go over some reasons why I'm feeling dependent:
1) I can't cook, clean, or do laundry without an aid of some kind of supervision.
2) I'm getting a wheelchair at 27 and I'm dang excited because in the mean time I'm basically bed bound.
3) I am tired of not being able to make a plan in my life because I don't know if my body will be up to it. I mean I cannot plan an hour ahead of time people. Literally.
4) I'm tired of showing up places and seeing my friends out with each other and being told that they didn't want to invite me because they were scared I would not feel well enough but wouldn't want to say no so they just didn't invite me.
5) I'm tired of my school work suffering because I'm too sick to do it
6) I'm tired of my dog not having an owner to properly play with her and get her energy out because I'm too sick to do it
7) I'm tired of all my money going to doctors, and driving to doctors, and paying for medicine doctors give to me.
8) I'm tired of knowing at least for the time being I'm not gonna be able to live on my own because it's not safe and I will not be financially stable enough to.
9) I'm tired of knowing that I'm a financial burden to my mom and knowing that I will never get out of debt myself.
10) I'm tired of my calendar being dictated by doctor's appointments, treatments, and therapies. I turned off all calendars but my "doctor" calendar which is all the things I just listed and these are the screenshots from June and July (which isn't looking much better than June just was). Between having bad days and so many appointments I have no life. People with chronic illnesses definitely don't lay in bed and collect disability checks while they watch TV all day. They're out trying to get better. Duh.

Each dot represents at least one appointment, some days there were more than one appointment.
Obviously weekends don't count because doctors aren't open on the weekends. 
Except the 15th of June that was lab work. 

Anyways. As you can see by my doctor schedule one would start to feel a little dependent on the whole situation of the chronic illness lifestyle. 

Also, I went off all my heart rate controlling meds on Tuesday and my heart rate hasn't gone below about 115-120 since then and it is completely draining me and making me crazy and not feel good.

I try to remember that God is in control, He has this, He is my peace, He is my freedom. But it doesn't help all the time. But I do have freedom in Him. 

Here I am raising my Ebenezer. Here I am confessing that I am not happy being dependent. I am not happy (all the time) living the life that I live. I am not happy having to schedule my social calendar around doctors appointments. I am confessing to you O God that I am not content, but that's why you are in my life, to bring me peace. To love me and hold me and wrap me up in a gigantic comfort blanket and hold me in the palm of your hand. And when I'm ready, rip off the covers and throw me off your hand and make me be independent, but let me know that I don't have to prove it, by doing all the independent things in one day (heck 1 hour). Teach me how to pace myself Father God. So that maybe I can live to have a 237 year birthday (or at least a 50th). 

Until then I will keep singing this to you: 

"Here I raise my Ebenezer, Hither by they help I'm come
And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love, 
Here's my heart. O take and seal it; Seal it for thy courts above."

~Come thou Fount of Every Blessing

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