Saturday, August 3, 2013

Making a Choice

Lately, it seems like everything in my life has been negative, stressful, emotional, over stimulating, or all of the above rolled in to one. This isn't going to be a long post because I don't quite honestly have it in me. But I needed to post something. Because I haven't in a good long while. I expect there will be a longer, eloquent, meaningful post this week as it is almost my birthday and I get sappy and weird around my birthday. Which, in retrospect, is probably why everything is being so overstimulating right now anyway, but it won't be tonight.

When I first started admitting and officially being diagnosed with things about 2 or 3 or 4 years ago I was in counseling for other issues and was lucky that I had an awesome therapist :) In one of our sessions, I told her that I was going to make a choice. No matter how sick I was that day (and this was when I "just" had/knew about Colitis and Celiac mind you), I was going to get out of bed every day because I knew that the day I went to bed was the day I would spend the rest of my life in bed. 

And it's true. 

There have been days here lately where I have almost spent the whole day in bed. I have left to go get coffee, or moved to the couch, or small things like that, but many days I have been not able to do anything other than that. And the next day it is SO MUCH HARDER to get out of bed. I still do it, because I promised, but I don't want to. 

Now, I'm going back to school in 17 days when I can barely make it 3 hours out for a doctor's appointment. And I have to like get up, get dressed nicely, and go sit at school for 5 hours a day and learn things. No way Jose. Not happening. But it will happen because it's my choice and because I've worked too dang hard up to this point to throw it all away. 

I may need to set my alarm for 4 AM (which means I will get 1 hour of sleep since I usually get to sleep about 3 AM thanks to insomnia and pain) so that I can cry in bed for 3 hours before I go off to school. But I will go to school every day. And I will rock my semester. I will do this. Because I am making the choice now. 

I will never not get out of bed one day. Because I know I am the person that if I spend one day in bed, I will never get out of bed again. 

I may cry every day. I may throw up. I may spend 22 hours and 17 minutes in immense pain of every day. I may pass out here and there. I may have to use my wheelchair. But I will get out of bed. 

I will stand up and get dressed and put a smile on my face. When I am asked in the hallway how I'm feeling I will say I'm fine because no one really cares to know the truth. Then I will come home and lay in bed some more and cry. 

I will win. Because I am not the girl with Celiac, Colitis, Endometriosis, PCOS, Fibromyalgia, Hypokalemia, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Dysautonomia, and whatever else rolls of my diagnosis sheet that day. I'm Megger's and I will be come next May (or August if I have to graduate late) one kick butt dietitian because I am making the choice to get out of bed every day. 

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