Friday, May 30, 2014

Upon Reflection...

For the past 3 years my life has been in limbo. My life has been invasive test after invasive test. My life has been medication after medication. My life has been appointment after appointment. Result after result. Diagnosis after diagnosis. Infusion after infusion. Treatment of one kind of another after more treatment of one kind or the other.

My life has been suffering from more than one chronic illness. Figuring out how to not only just get out of bed with several chronic illnesses, but make something of my self with more than one severe, debilitating chronic illness. My life has been dragging myself to class when I can barely stand up and sitting there and paying attention as much as possible because I want to graduate with like a 3.75 or above, not just graduate. My life has been studying harder than anyone else because I have to deal with brain fog so I don't remember anything like most people do. My life has been suffering through clinical hours that are so hard for me to make it through because of the physical demands because I just know I want nothing more in my life to be a dietitian one day.

For the past 3 years, my life has been so uncertain. There have been so many times where I have been like why the hell-o am I doing this to myself? What am I trying to prove? Am I doing this because I want to be a dietitian and try to get off disability? Or, am I doing this because I want to prove to myself that my chronic illnesses have not taken everything away from me. For the past 3 months I've been in a very weird place because the class that I'm going to finish up with is not the class I started with and they don't know me or anything about my health conditions and I'm nervous with how they will react. I'm nervous because I will have a new professor who also knows nothing about my health conditions (and he's in charge of clinicals).

But, the real point of saying all this, is to say that in the past 1.5 weeks I have not felt more content with my life and where God has placed me and what He has planned out for me than I ever have been in my life, even though I did think that I was doing my "dream job" before. I am in my element right now. I participate in many Facebook support groups and can give well educated and informed answers to tough questions that some people may not know the science behind. So I'm helping people all the time already, even before I get my degree. I have just started my recruitment and data collection for my thesis and I already feel like I'm in my element with that. I feel like I'm (hopefully) going to be helping my participants find a protocol that works to relieve their fibromyalgia pain through diet instead of through all the meds that they are on in the future. I'm already studying for my fall classes. I am hanging out with some of the best people in the world. We are finally getting my treatments under control so I can at lest be productive a couple of hours a day. I am getting all kinds of things accomplished. I almost feel like *knock on wood* that my life is sort of kind of under control and that I'm slowly beginning to find my purpose again and actually feel like I'm fulfilling it (or starting to at least) and I'm loving every minute of it.

I am so happy that I finally feel like I'm where I belong in life again. Even in my "crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life." And for that I could not be more grateful.

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