Isn't it Funny

So while on a pinterest spree today I decided that I would pin like every C.S. Lewis quote I could find because I am madly in love with that man and his wisdom. I kind of started becoming obsessed with him when I was a senior in high school and struggling with Christianity and did my senior research paper on The Screwtape Letters, my obsession went full force in college with my religion degree and the advent of the Narnia movies. Anyways, all this to say, one of the quotes I found and pinned said this, "Isn't it funny how day by nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different..." This is how my life has felt lately. Somehow with the end of the semester of school and getting yet another diagnosis, the pain increasing every day, looking at pictures from my "old life" and looking at where I am now, etc, etc. I realize just how different things are, when really it all feels the same. But it all feels the same because even though it was gradual, it was sudden, but I've had time to get settled and into a "routine" as much as someone with chronic illnesses can have a routine anyway. I think the thing that has been upsetting me the most is that I'm constantly surrounded now (because I'm in college again) by people who are so active and free spirited and crazy and work out and I used to be that person and I took it so much for granted. If someone had told me when I was at track practice and complaining about running a few extra laps or doing a couple extra jump drills that in less than 10 years I wouldn't be able to walk more than 75 feet without either feeling like I was going to pass out or passing out before I thought about the feeling. If someone had told me that all the times I 'hurt' from the intense workouts I was doing or the running on the beach, that in less than 10 years I wouldn't be able to get out of bed without being in pain because simply standing up and putting pressure on my joints would be painful. If someone had told me that I would have to use a shower stool, a cane, a wheelchair, etc at the ripe old age of 26 I wouldn't have complained about standing up for an 8 hour shift at the Piggly Wiggly. I don't think I would have complained at all then, if I knew where I would be in 10 years. I think I would have realized how lucky I was and how grateful I should have been for being as healthy and active and blessed as I was. I was an athlete, and a good one. I had a job, I was in the band, I went to college, I could work (at one point I had 3 jobs on top of going to school). I graduated. I got a big girl job. I was still running, my knees hurt sometimes but I was still running 5, 6, 7 miles at a time...until 2 years ago. But they always say hindsight is twenty/twenty so right now it looks like a huge difference, but day by day, it isn't a big deal. Every day, I get up, I evaluate my pain level, I eat breakfast, I go to school, I sit there and get more in pain by the second because of the furniture, I finish up my last class, and come home and take a nap, eat dinner, watch some tv, and go to bed and do it again. Randomly there are dr's appointments thrown in there and they tell me thins that at this point just seem like words and no big deal. Every time I go to the doctor there is some new something so I know that's coming and it doesn't usually phase me. So yeah day by day it doesn't look any different, we tend to do the same or similar things every day, but when you look back it looks so different. Eight months ago, I was a teacher of special needs kids and I loved it...the next day I wasn't that was kind of an earth shattering blow...but two or three days later I was just back to day by day and not looking any different. Two or three weeks ago I 'only' had ulcerative colitis, celiac, fibromyalgia, and orthostatic hypertension. The next day, I had the diagnosis I had been "waiting for"...neurocardiogenic syncope or dysautonomia. I say I had been waiting for it because we had heard about it from several friends, researched it, and it fit me to a T...however, I am not one of those patients that is going to be known as a google doctor and read a whole bunch of information on the internet and walk in and demand a doctor test me for this disease so I can prove I am right. I do steer them in the right direction, but I don't force my uneducated beliefs on them. Anyways, basically all a diagnosis of NCS does is make my disability paperwork keep looking good because there is nothing they can do for it. I can be aware of it and try to fight off the passing out when I feel it coming on and they do have me on beta blockers now to try and stabilize my heart rate (it was going between 130 and 150 pretty much all the time which is way too high). But now it's back to day by day again. We get news and we adjust. We get a routine and we adjust. I have to adjust bigger than other sometimes, but I still adjust. Much of my life is mind over matter and God over human. I trust God and believe in the Spirit (especially after the study the small group is doing right now)and know that He would not give me anything that I cannot handle and He cannot help me through, so you just go back to day by day. I try to live my life as close to normal as possible while I can because I know that one day (probably sooner than later) I won't be able to get out of bed most days, now it's just occasionally. I am not the same as everyone else...I take lots of breaks, and when I look back my life is way more drastically different than most 26 year olds would be, but I still take it day by day like everyone else. And I bet, I laugh at myself way more than anyone else on the face of the planet does...because it is so much easier and takes way less energy to laugh than cry :)

Only the good die young...

Oddly enough, I've been planning the title of this blog and the content of this blog long before it was Billy Joel week on American Idol...guess God's just good like that.

Those of you that know me really well, know that for a 26 year old, I have known quite a few people who have left this Earth far too early...at least what their friends and family felt like was far too early...and is part of the reason why I fight these stupid diseases that ravage my body every day. When people on days like today, where you can look at me and tell there is no way I should be baking apple crisp in foods lab (I should at least be in bed and probably at the doctor or in the hospital), ask me over and over again why are you at school? Why don't you take a break? Why do you push yourself? It's because of my friends, my acquaintances, the people I've heard of that don't have the chance to fight, that don't have the chance to prove the doctors wrong, that don't have the chance any longer to show people what strength and beauty really looks like. It's because, for at least right now, any day that I wake up, is a day that God gifted me and gave purpose to me fulfill. I came across this quote on Pinterest that sums it up perfectly to me: "Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose, you're alive for a reason." So I get out of bed every day because I can, it may hurt, but it makes me a better person to realize that there are people much worse off than me, and that I have friends that didn't get to live to be 26, and it just doesn't seem fair to them, in my opinion.

So let me tell you about some of my friends...and I may have left some out...because I am having a pretty crumby health week(s) and part of that is not remembering everything I have to say/want to say...plus I'm sure this will be pretty emotional to right so I might get sidetracked or whatever...but anyways...I wanted to let you, my readers, know about the awesome people that I have had the pleasure of meeting, that have inspired me in my life, and that were too good so they had to die young.

The first young person that I knew that died was Todd Carter, he was 16, he died the week of my 16th birthday in a car wreck. He was the star football player for our gigantic high school football team, dating a head cheerleader, went to youth group. He wasn't wearing his seatbelt. I didn't really know Todd that well besides the fact that he was so popular and I wanted to be his friend so bad and he was always nice and he was in my youth group. But his death still hit me super hard, because we were/were soon to be 16, we were invincible. I was supposed to be getting my license that week...I didn't by the way, I waited a while. I still remember at his funeral they played "Time of your life" by Green Day.

After that there were a slew of other kids I knew that either committed suicide or died in car wrecks. The next one that really hit me kind of hard though was Joe Shuford. He was the first young person, 18, that I knew that passed away from cancer. He went to my church in South Carolina. I was away at college when he passed away. I came home for that funeral too...but that wasn't really a funeral, that was a worship service. There was praising of God that I could not even imagine at that service. His little brother got up and talked about how he was so happy that his brother was in heaven with Jesus and could run and play football again with Todd (my other friend that had died previously), talk about crazy emotional. Joe knew he was going to die and decided that he was going to make it his mission to become a fisher or men. He had bumper stickers made up that said Joe, Fight, Win! that were seen all over town and still are seen all over town. He said that he knew God gave him the cancer so people would listen to him and God called us to be fishers of men and made it his goal to bring one person to Christ every day until he passed, and I'm sure he did that...if not more.

Later that same year; my first friend that I had in Charleston, the longest friend I had ever had, and the friend that I had put on the back burner and shunned because she wasn't popular in high school passed away in a car wreck, her name was Amanda Bates. We still were close in college and talked a lot, once I got away from the entrappings of the high school popularity contest. I, however, did find out she passed away on facebook. Which, let me tell you, is not the way to find out your best friend of 10+ years passed away. She passed in a car wreck as well, she was on the interstate with her 2 year old niece in the back seat and she turned around to hand her something and drove off the side of the road into a tree head on. She died instantly we were told. Her niece was just fine, thank God. Amanada is one of the most important people that has influenced me in my life. She taught me to always be prepared (she would have anything you needed on her at any time), she taught me to always be herself and not compromise who you are for the popular crowd (which I learned after high school, but from her), and she made me want to teach again. We always knew we were going to be teachers, but then I didn't want to teach when I first started college. After Amanda passed, I drifted back to teaching eventually. Her funeral, I really don't remember much of. I remember standing in the row with our group of friends from elementary school on (there were 4 of us in that row), and all of us virtually collapsing in each others arms as they carried her casket past us up to the front of the church. I had never been to a family member's funeral (besides my grandmothers when I was very young) but this was pretty dang close. I also remember that everyone there wore pink, because it was her favorite color.

I think the next person that I knew that passed away was my dad. Who wasn't that young (in comparison to the rest of this blog), and I didn't really love him or consider him good at the time or anything. But he was 49...and had a ton of health problems (surprise, surprise given my history, right?) And he had to have been good in some respect because at one point he loved my mom enough to have 2 kids with her. And, who isn't going to be upset when their dad passes away...at least a little bit, no matter how absent they were. I remember when mom called and told me, I laughed because I thought she was joking. Then I realized she wasn't. It had always been a joke that he was dead because we thought he was for a while, then he came back, then he was gone, then he was dying in 2 weeks, in 2 months, etc, etc. So when mom calls me at like 11 o clock on a school night (I was teaching at this point) and tells me that my dad just died in heart surgery, of course I thought it was a family joke continuation. Then, of course, I realize it's 11 o clock on a school night and she's telling me I need to call the hospital and talk to them because I have to figure out what to do with his body and stuff because I'm the next of kin...and I don't even know him. I don't remember anything from that night but being very tired, driving around Salisbury in circles, numb. I don't think I cried for like a month or two. I don't think I thought it was real for that long. I honestly don't think I cried until the next death, which the anniversary of is today.

The reason I am writing this oh so joyful blog post today is because one year ago today another great friend passed away in a car wreck. Julie, 28, was the most beautiful, talented, fun to work with, joyful, passionate person I think I've ever met. She was always herself and she was so freaking beautiful being herself. She had fiery red hair and a personality to match. I worked with Julie at Escape the Daily Grind (a coffee shop) and got to be pretty decent friends with her. We would talk about such worldly things, Godly things, photography things. I would see her around town and no matter what she was doing she would sit there and have a 20 or 30 minute conversation with me, even if she was running a little late (which was often). She wanted to be a professional photographer and went to school for it so we didn't get to do things together alot because she was really only around in the summers andn I was usually gone then because I worked at camps. But she was amazing, inspiring, and so genuinely kind. She is another person that taught me never to compromise who I was for fitting in. We had such a great time whenever we worked together and loved listening to 95.7 the Ride and dancing in the back together while we washed dishes. We were two silly people together :) Julie was an inspiration to me, and her mom has been an inspiration to me since her passing. A very strong one, that keeps me focused and determined.

The next person that I knew that passed away too soon, was Vanessa Allred, 36, who passed away a couple of weeks ago. She had cancer, and she was a fighter. I didn't know V, pre cancer. But let me tell you, if someone has faith in God to do the impossible it is her. She would post the most breath taking, inspiring facebook status updates through all of her pain and through all the doctors telling her she can't do anything, etc, etc. She knew where her allegience's were to lay and she didn't go down without a fight. Her and her husband (who is the knight in shining armor every girl desires) were witnesses throughout her daily battle, right up until she passed away. Where she thanked her facebook friends for praying for her, wrote on her kids wall that she loved them, and wrote on her husbands wall that he was her hero, to which he immediately replied no, you are mine. Vanessa, was the type of person that would often message me, despite everything she was going through, and let me know that she was praying for me and hoped my pain would go away soon...right up until 3 days before she died. Vanessa, was one of the most selfless people I knew and am sorry I didn't get to know her before the cancer, because I'm sure she was awesome then too.

So there are just 6 examples in the life of one 26 year old of good, inspirational, amazing people dying way too young. So on days when I'm swollen, when I have intense pain, when I can barely move, when I am flushed, when I am nauseous, when I am so dizzy I pass out a couple of times, when I can't type or write, etc I remember when I'm in all this pain that I'm alive...and not everyone is that lucky. And I remember that I'm alive because God has a purpose for me, and I know that if I don't fulfill that purpose then I'm not doing what God wants me too and that isn't good. My purpose for that day may be to be in pain, or have symptoms so that I keep my passion for figuring out what is wrong with me and how to fix it in others. But if that's my purpose, that's my purpose, and who am I to deny God's will in my life. So please, if you are reading this, when I look like crap, and I keep fighting, don't tell me to go to bed and give up for the day, please just realize why I'm not. It says it right in the Bible in Romans 8:14-15, "God's spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"

He will come to us like the rain.

"Come on, let's go back to God. He hurt us, but He'll heal us. He hit us hard, but he'll put us right again. In a couple of days we'll feel better. By the third day he'll have made us brand new, alive and on our feet, fit to face Him. We're ready to study God, eager for God-knowledge. As sure as dawn breaks, so sure is His daily arrival. He comes as rain comes, as spring rain refreshing the ground." Hosea 6:3

"The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

It's been over a month since I wrote, but most of you have seen me since then. I basically haven't written since I got an iPad because there "isn't an app for that"...seriously...i only do things on my iPad now pretty much. First of all, it's super cool, second of all my laptop is pretty heavy and hurts me to use it. I got it because it was too heavy to carry my laptop to school and was becoming an issue so I bought an iPad to make it lighter but now I use that sucker for everything. Cooking, reading my Bible, reading my textbooks, taking notes, watching tv, playing games, etc, etc. That thing can do anything, but blogs apparently. Plus, it's hard to use the keyboard because I haven't gotten a keyboard attachment yet so it takes a while to type really long stuff on it aside from class notes. So anyways, that is my "excuse" for not writing, as well as the fact that school is super hard and exhausting. I was going to write when I got to Salisbury, but that didn't happen either because I was having way too much fun.

As most of you know, I had a friend pass away earlier this month and it just so happened to occur at the same time as spring break so I was able to go down to Salisbury for the memorial service and stayed for the week to catch up with some people and have some fun. If you all recall, the last time I was in Salisbury, I was super super sick and was forced to lay in bed the entire time I was there which highly upset me and it felt like I was wasting money. This was a different story. I was everywhere, for most of the day everyday. It was so nice to be able to see so many people and do so many things, etc, etc. I think it could of quite honestly be one of the only times in my life I've been in Salisbury and been relatively 'healthy'. That is kind of disturbing since I lived there for about 1/3of my life. I mean of course towards the end of the week, I was getting tired but I was still trucking on and made it home safely and healthy.

Since I've been home though, which has been about a week and a half, I have been slowly deteriorating. I believe there are several factors to this. First, I didn't really use spring break the best way I should have (to rest, duh) but I really needed to see my Salisbury family and say goodbye to V and it went really well. Second, I still haven't been able to get my remicade that, if you remember from my last blog post over a month ago, I wasn't able to get because I had pneumonia in January and February...which means I am about a month and a half over due for it now. No worries though I will be getting it on Thursday (barring any catastrophes). Third, school is wiping me out and stressing me out and pissing me off.

So for the health update part of the above. I have been in remission since January and I'm starting to flare just a teensy bit again; but, like I said I am over a month behind on my remicade and I'm stressed out. So those are both ways to let me flare easily. Besides that though, I've still been gaining weight. I am almost to 160 pounds now and I've had to buy new clothes several times. This is not a bad thing, I am not saying I'm fat, but it isn't good I'm gaining as much weight as I am this fast. I will definitely be talking to my rheumy about this next week. I also was doing better in terms of fibro pain (and thank God for the drugs making the trip to the Bury much easier) but now they basically aren't working at all anymore and I'm in worse pain than I ever was much of the time. I sweat all the time, have hot flashes all the time, my skin always looks flushed, etc, etc. My tachycardia is getting pretty bad and my shortness of breath is increasing too. I was hoping with the warmer weather I would be able to go walk around outside some and try to get a little bit in shape, but I think the heat is making my symptoms worse instead of better like I predicted so that is not making me happy. I also am losing complete control/motion in my right hand, it is also trying to turn blue a lot of the time and be numb/dead most of the time. We are trying to find a surgeon that will do a surgery that was recommended to me last summer, but I chose not to do it then. Now though it's do the surgery or have no use of my right hand. That is about it health wise, which is a lot, but still trucking a long.

The reason that school is stressing me out, pissing me off, and exhausting me is because well a lot of reasons. Exhausting me is obvious, I am extremely sick taking 3 lab science classes, one very intense nutrition course, and one class that is so stupid and boring but meets 6 hours a week and makes me mad. It takes everything I have to get out of bed and go to school, especially this week. But I really do want this, so I am going to give it my all. School is stressing me out because dietetics applications were due last week, which means that I'm in the waiting game. We are waiting on interviews and waiting to find out if we get into the program. 8 undergrads and 8 graduate students get in. At last count there were 25 people applying total for the 16 spaces, but I don't know what the breakdown is for graduate/undergraduate in there so I don't know my exact odds. I am applying for the graduate program obviously, which usually has more applicants than the undergrad program so we'll see. Hopefully I'll know soon. School is pissing me off because I am just now realizing the value of that 120,000 dollar Catawba education I got. When I first graduated I thought it was not worth the money. However, I did get a job right after graduation and every single day I felt challenged at Catawba. Was forced to think out of the box, etc. At ISU, while I am learning, it is not in the way that I would like to. I have more than one professor that tells me to google the information I need to know, and most of the professors waste my time by reading me powerpoints that I've had since the first day of class. This would not happen at Catawba, and I bet the teachers at this school don't get paid as much as they do at Catawba, which sucks. So that is my two cents on state schools versus private schools right now.

Anyways, back to the references at the beginning of this post. I am feeling very blah with my faith right now. Like not that I don't believe in Him, just that I'm not trusting Him or realizing how much He has brought me through recently I guess. I guess, not really giving Him the "props He deserves". I know that God is here and that without God I would be no where near where I am today and no where near the health level I'm at today. But when I have these strings of bad days, and the pain is almost unbearable, and my friends pass away and aren't healed, and so on and so on...it's hard to remember that He is here. But He is, and He is good, and He makes beautiful things. And He never promised it would be easy...I just have to remember to keep fighting the good fight and fight it for Him and my friends that have gone on to be with Him. I just need to keep reminding myself that even though He hurt me, He will heal me, and He will make me brand new...one day

Long overdue update..and too sick to make a cute title.

It's been like 3 and a half weeks since I've written because I am super bad at going to school and doing life at the same time. I love my classes, but it is so exhausting to get up every day, go to class, sit there, and listen. You would think it wouldn't take that much energy, but it does. Then I have homework and stuff so school is doing a pretty great job at exhausting me. I am doing okay in my classes, but not as good as I should be. I think the most frustrating thing is the fibro fog.

Fibro fog is a part of the fibromyalgia that basically means that I have a lack of mental clarity that can range anywhere from forgetting where I put my keys to knowing every answer for a test but then walking in and forgetting everything...which you know realize why this is frustrating. I oftentimes forget what a word is when i'm talking and have done this for years, but now know why. But when your teachers think you are the smartest person in the class and when you are in class in a non stressful situation and know all the answers then walk into the test and the fibro fog takes over it's just not freaking fair. I mean i haven't made lower than a B on anything yet. But when there are only 8 people admitted into a program that you are told about 30 people apply to you really wanna get that A. However, all my professors that are in charge of admission to the program know what is going on and understand and have taken my disabilities into consideration for the most part and still seem to like me ok. But fibro fog pisses me off. I also get worse fibro fog when I hurt worse and i hurt worse when I stay up late to study and I study more because I know I forget more than other people...so it is like a vicious cycle of pain and fibro fog over and over again. Anyways...

Other than that school is going great. I am making good friends that are really cool. I am learning a ton of really interesting stuff. I am feeling like a scientist in my labs doing gram stains, and streak plates, and separating enzymes from oranges that can cure cancer, taking the sugar out of sodas, and the fats out of potato chips, pretty cool stuff, right? I have also finished my dietetics application and applied to grad school so now I'm just waiting and waiting.

Small group is wonderful!!! It is so nice to have a group of women that love the Lord and help support each other through everything. I haven't been able to see them in almost 2 weeks though because I am super sick right now so I miss them very much. We were going to get together last Friday, but I was starting to get sick then, and then this Wednesday for group I was super sick by then. Now I am in bed on Friday in the middle of the day because I have finally succumbed to the sickness and am taking a 3 day weekend because midterms are next week so I need to be better by then for sure.

So now that I've mentioned I'm sick I guess I need to do the every so important health update since that is what this blog is supposed to be about anyways. Well, last time I wrote I had mentioned that they thought I had lupus. I don't. Praise the Lord! At least, what the doctor said is, you don't have it yet, not sure what that means, if they are going to do more tests or what...but for right now I don't have it. He did tell me that my potassium was down to 3.0 again (which if you remember from my very first blog is right around where it was when they told me I could die and wouldn't let me leave the hospital) That pretty much terrified me and put me in a very bad mood because I was scared. They put me on potassium supplements and said if it didn't go up in a week they were going to send me to a kidney doctor because it could be something wrong with my kidneys. Well it went up with supplements so right now I am just on a high potassium diet so hopefully it will work this time. Then they said my vitamin D levels were low so I am taking a TON of vitamin D every week and more every day...so hopefully that will help some too. I guess the celiac is making me not absorb like any nutrients properly. But I must be absorbing something because I now weigh 149 pounds which is unheard of. I can't believe I weigh that much. I have been trying to get up to like 120 my whole life now I am almost 150 pounds. Crazy! I couldn't do my remicade this week because I have a cold/bronchitis/sinus thing...and you can't get remicade if you are sick because it suppresses your immune system so you get sicker if you do it. The kicker is I'm already on immunosuppressive drugs in pill form that I take every day in pill form so I really don't think I'm going to get better any faster than if I had the remicade or not because my immune system is already suppressed. But anyways...I am supposed to get it next thursday now so hopefully I will be better by then or else I have to reschedule again. But other than that, nothing else is really going on. That is pretty much an update.

I miss salisbury super bad, I also have started missing charleston super bad. I don't think it's because I'm cold because it hasn't really been cold here this winter. We did get 2 inches of snow on Valentines day, but it still wasn't that cold, in my opinion. And we still had school, which would not happen in Salisbury or in Charleston. So I think I just miss the people and the food...or how my life was in those places. Mostly I just miss being able to do stuff that everyone else can do...I think the more I get invited to stuff and the more I have to say no because I can't do it, the more I miss being on my own and being not sick...but it's ok...I guess.

answers are sometimes not what you actually want...

So I went to the rheumatologist yesterday and I LOVED him. He is very young (literally the same age as me basically) and so he is up to date on everything and still passionate because he is not burnt out yet. Basically, everyone at the office was super nice from the check in person to the nurse to the lab people to everyone...especially the doctor. I have seen my fair share of doctors (see last blog post) and the only doctor I've ever really liked a whole lot is Dr. Brown who was my general physician in Salisbury. I didn't like him all the time though, at the beginning he was like all the others and didn't believe me and blah blah...but once he believed me he was like my best friend. He really tried hard to help me, he never didn't believe me about anything again, he trusted what I told him I was feeling and what I thought I needed to do for me, and backed me up when he wanted me to quit and I wanted to keep working. He supported me and you could tell he truly cared for me. One of the reasons leaving Salisbury was so hard was because I couldn't believe I would find another doctor quite as amazing as Dr. Brown. I may have come close yesterday though.

I mentioned to the nurse yesterday (when she mentioned my blood pressure was sky rocket high which is really abnormal for me since it is usually near rock bottom) I was nervous about the appointment...which is also a little abnormal for me because I've basically done nothing for the past 2 years but go from doctor to doctor and test after test. But when he came in and asked me why I was scared to be there and I told him I wasn't nervous about tests or anything but that I was scared he wouldn't believe me. I gave a little of my background and how I had not been at all supported by the majority of my dr's and I just wanted someone to believe me and figure out what was wrong with me. He assured me that he would believe everything I told him unless I gave him a reason not to and that I could ask questions at any time and he would figure out what was wrong with me. At first, I didn't care what was wrong with me, I just wanted answers. Well, after spending 2 hours with me (yes a specialist that spent 2 hours with me in one appointment...unheard of I know)...I got answers. And let me tell you, I'm so grateful that I was eating dinner and hanging out with my small group last night because it helped me not think about it last night, because know I am getting pretty upset about it.

So we knew I had celiac, we knew I had ulcerative colitis, orthostatic hypotension, and we knew that I had tons of symptoms of some pretty other nasty chronic illnesses. But they weren't officially diagnosed. I found out yesterday officially that I have fibromyalgia, which is not autoimmune but is very common in people with automimmune disorders (which celiac is). I have known that I had fibromyalgia in my gut for a while, but honestly I was really hoping and praying I didn't have it. It is just another chronic illness that I have to deal with that has no cure that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I have been in intense pain every day for the past 2-5 years and while yes it is nice to be able to say I have this illness, it's not in my head, there is someone who believes me, there is a name for this...I really wish it was something fixable. Something I could just have surgery for and it would be better...something they've missed on one of my MRI's or CT scans. But no, I have fibromyalgia. The only "treatment" he said there is for fibromyalgia is to exercise for 1 hour a day (which I can't do very well because of my other problems) and to sleep for 8 hours a night. There are fibro drugs out there, but he doesn't like medications and he doesn't think the fibro drugs really work. He did give me a med to help my nerves be less stimulated at night to curb the pain some so I can sleep at night and get my 8 hours in.

So after he tells me I have firbo (which is diagnosed by pushing trigger points all over your body and seeing the response to pain from this) he says he's going to do TONS more labs because he thinks I have several other problems too. These range from vitamin b12 and vitamin d deficiency all the way to he is pretty sure I have lupus too. I swear if I have lupus too, I almost want to give up. Literally every body system and organ in my body will have been attacked if I get lupus too. I am so over this. I know I said I wanted answers, but I want cureable, fixable answers. I know I should count my blessings because they aren't saying cancer and I have 3 months to live...but seriously a lifetime of chronic pain all over your entire body...and diseases that attack your organs one by one until they all fail eventually (not that this would happen for a long time, but still faster than healthy people)...and specialized diets...and exercising...and etc etc that I have to deal with already. Why can't I have a cold or the flu? Something that comes for a day or two and then leaves your body alone. My fingers are in so much pain right now from typing I can't even explain that...from typing...and I have that to look forward to for the res of my life. Walking through walmart today almost killed me because there floors are too hard...for the rest of my life I have that to look forward too. But I have a rest of my life to look forward to I guess.

This week in small group the "respectable sins" we studied were ungodliness and unthankfullnes. And let me tell you, the thoughts I have had today are pretty ungodly and unthankful. I am thankful I have an answer, I am just not thankful for the answer. I will get over it though, I always do. When I first started this blog, I talked about how it would be a beautiful, peaceful journey. Right now I feel like I am falling off the edge of a cliff. I am exhausted, irritable, in pain all the time, can barely make it through the school day and still have homework when I get home...but I know it will still be a beautiful journey. I also know that I am thankful that I have met some awesome girls here that I can hang out with to help me stay focused so that I don't get discouraged as easily. Anyways, know both my arms are going numb so I really need to stop typing...so have a good night..and I will blog again soon.

Preach the Gospel to yourself every day

Not much has changed since I blogged last, now my life pretty much consists of go to school, sit through class in pain, try to retain information while I do it, then come home and go to bed. In between classes I hang out in the commuter lounge and do my homework so that I don't have to worry about that when I get home because by the time I get home I am so exhausted and hurt so bad I can barely think, let alone do homework. On days where I have a longer break between classes, I come home and take a nap and eat lunch then go back. I am doing really well academically in my classes though and am enjoying the content I am learning. I just wish that it didn't hurt so bad. Honestly, some days, especially lately I don't know if I even want to be in school. I am so tired and so irritable because I am so tired. Then I'm like, in my head, well now I have disability so I don't technically have to go back to school. But I also don't want to live off the government forever and I don't want to be not a productive citizen for the rest of my life. I want to be able to get this degree so that I can do something productive and good for society, I just don't want it to make me this tired and make me hurt this bad. Hopefully, I will get through it...only like 13 more weeks this semester...haha...

Anyways, this weekend it was super icy here and they declared a level 1 emergency state because of the ice which means that no one is supposed to be driving because of how bad the ice is and you can even get a ticket if you are caught on the roads. Well, I still have been having some minor issues driving under normal circumstances because my muscles are weaker and I have slower reaction times so I knew that I for sure was not going anywhere this weekend because I would for sure wreck on ice. Therefore, I had a nice relaxing weekend in my bed which I needed after the previous week at school. The only time I really left the house was on Saturday night. We threw a surprise party for my cousin's baby shower. We told her we were getting together for her birthday (which was MLK, Jr day) and had her baby shower instead. Long reason why...but the only thing you need to know is it was a success and even with the ice (though some of it had melted by then) there were a lot of people there. Though the whole time on the way to my aunt and uncle's house I was like please don't die, etc...because I was scared even though mom kept telling me it was ok. That is pretty much all I did all weekend though. This Friday (at 2 pm for those of you who like to pray at the exact time people) I will go to yet another specialist...a rheumatologist this time and hopefully get some more answers and get on a road to recovery of my other illnesses. At this point in my quest for health of the past 2 years I've seen approximately (and I say approximately because I may have forgotten some) 1 general physician, 9 specialists (1 orthopedist, 2 neurologists, 2 cardiologists, 4 GI docs), 2 chiropractors, 3 ob/gyns, and a physical therapists. I have had about 5 or 6 CT scans, 3 MRI's, 5 colonoscopies, 1 sigmoidoscopy, probably somewhere near or over 100 tubes of blood drawn, worn a 24 hour holter monitor at least 4 times, had 8 ekgs done, 3 echocardiograms, and a tilt table test, and had 2 surgeries. I take somewhere between 10 and 15 pills a day and that is on a good day when I don't need painkillers. I get infusions of medication every 8 weeks and I get a shot every 3 months to keep me from getting huge cysts on my ovary because they don't know why I get them, but if I ovulate I get them and they won't take out my ovary like I ask them to because I'm too young and could have kids...but all my diseases cause infertility...don't ask...omg...So anyways, all this is to say, prayers would be appreciated this Friday at 2:00 PM to hopefully be the visit to close to one of the last specialists and that this one will have a right answer or at least believe me that I am sick. On to happier parts of blogging...or different anyways...

I am having a really great time with my small group. We have so much fun together, and we are trying at least to hold each other accountable for our respectable sins. The book we are doing is awesome, it reminds us that the sins that we do daily are the same as the 'big time' sins that we as Christians so commonly judge on a daily basis. I didn't realize until I started doing this study just how much I sin and how much it hurts God. Like every time I get frustrated and yell at my mom for waking me up from my nap, or every time I tell a white lie, or every time I complain about the disease that God trusted me to have because I can't be normal, or every time I on and on and on. As you can tell if you have read this entire post, being in this study has obviously not stopped me from committing "respectable sins" because I have complained about my disease in this post already among other things I am sure. I sin probably like every 0.4325 seconds and you do too...but that just makes it so much worse. Because now that I'm aware I'm sinning every 0.4325 seconds I should be able to be like okay God you did this huge thing for me...you saved my life...you sent your sin to come and die for me and I can't even do something so small as to stop sinning and hurting you. But it's impossible, that is why I am thankful beyond a shadow of a doubt for grace and forgiveness and that is why I am so incredibly mad at myself for knowing that I'm willingly hurting my God every day. But that is what we do, we sin, we ask for forgiveness, and then we sin again and then He forgives me again. UNBELIEVABLE! It is unreal the love that my God loves me with...and loves you with! It is unreal to me that my God would love me enough that the disease that I complain about every day that is so small in comparison to what he has done for me to live with He still chooses to heal me from, to let me have good days, to put dr's and friends in my life to save me from death. It is unreal to me that every time I sin it's like He says don't worry Megan, this one's on me, I got your back, you didn't really do that. Unreal. Anyways....I am done ranting about this, for now...I am now going to leave you with some Bible verses and quotes from the book that have really stuck out to me throughout this study. The quotes come from the book Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges unless otherwise noted.

"Whoever keeps the whole law, but fails in ONE point has become accountable for ALL of it." James 2:10

"But the fact still remains that the seemingly minor sins we tolerate in our lives do indeed deserve the curse of God."

"The acceptable sins are subtle in the sense that they deceive us into thinking they are not so bad, or not thinking of them as sins, or even worse, not even thinking about them at all!"

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost." 1 Timothy 1:5

"My memory is nearly gone; but I remember two things: that I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Savior." John Newton

"Preach the Gospel to yourself every day"

"Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin." Romans 4:7-8

"If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves...on the other hand, if we admit our sins--make a clean breast of them--God won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing." 1 John 1:8-9

school is tiring

I haven't written in forever. I have been so tired, it's not even funny. Last Monday (the 9th) I started school to get my pre-requisites for my hopefully masters degree in Dietetics. My classes have been great, so far, at least. I am meeting more people since I am in school and I am very excited about that. My classes are seeming to be easier than I thought they were going to be and I'm in classes with the 2 professors that decide who gets into the dietetics department and so far they like me. I have also so far made it to every class. However, as soon as I get home I'm in bed. I have no choice. I am tired. I mean I stay awake for the most part, but my body is done being up and about. I have also been hurting pretty badly, but I am toughing my way out through it. So far I have learned a lot and hopefully I will do well enough to get into the program, if not, oh well. My professors have also been really good so far after I talked to all of them personally with if I need to take a break or whatever that is ok. I am very thankful for this. Indiana State is a very different college from Catawba (14000 students vs 2000) and most of my classes have at least 40 people in them, one actually has about 200 people in it. However, most of my professors have already learned my name and realize that I am a little different than most "traditional students"

I also started a new small group at my church and it is awesome! There are about 7 girls and we have a blast. Some of them are married some of them are single. We eat, we talk about God and guys and have a great time. We are doing a book study by Jerry Bridges called Respectable Sins, which I highly recommend. It's all about how "Christians" have these sins that we tolerate because they aren't "as bad" as the big sins like murder and homosexuality and things like that. They are sins like pride and selfishness and gossip and things like that. Sins that we do every day and we do them so often that we don't even realize we are sinning. It is a good book. I really like my small group and hope that I become great friends with the girls.

This weekend was spent preparing and throwing my sister a graduation party because she graduated from Liberty University in December with a BS in Psychology. We had about 20 people over and I cooked most of the food for it. Some of the items included beef brisket, buffalo wings, bar b que, potato salad, muddy buddies, little football shaped chocolates, etc. It was a lot of food, but most of it got eaten thank goodness. Yesterday, my mom sister and I went out to lunch with my aunt and her kids at TGIFridays. After that I went with my aunt and cousins shopping at the mall and some other places. After that I was so exhausted and in so much pain I spent most of the rest of my day in bed. Today I went to school, went to the chiropractor, and found out I got approved for disability. I am making about 1/2 of what I made teaching but considering I had no income for the past 4 months I am so, so, so thankful that I will have income again. I told mom I could make like 200 dollars and it would be worth it. I am making more than that and I don't have many bills anymore besides my health insurance so I am way excited. I was just thinking about declaring bankruptcy because of my medical bills and what not, but I hopefully will not have to now. I am so so excited that I can take some burden off my family financially now.

Anyways, I am exhausted and in pain and have to go to school tomorrow so I think I am going to sign off now. I will try to be a better blogger, but no promises since I'm in school now.

Have a good night guys :)