Friday, September 30, 2011

Starting Over...

Ok, so I am not one of those people that normally puts everything I have out there on the Internet. I am not one of those people that thinks that everyone needs to know everything. I am not an excellent writer. However, I have a story to tell and I need someway to tell it to myself so here it goes.

I am a 26 year old woman who if you asked me on August 31st of this year would have said that I have good days and bad days, but overall my life was amazing. I had my dream job, I live in a town that I love, I go to the best church there is, I have a wonderful supportive "family" and family, I was only 2 semesters away from finishing my masters degree while working full time and dealing with some pretty severe illnessess. However, everyone knows that not everyone's life is perfect and not everything is forever. Plus, God just doesn't do easy very often. September 1st my life turned upside down. I quit my job. There were many reasons and that is not the purpose for this blog. I was a severe and profound self-contained autism teacher and I LOVED it, but I quit. I had no income and no way of knowing what was next, but knew I needed to quit and knew that God would take care of it.

Longer back story, November 13, 2009 I was newly hired in my dream job and got very sick. I had been sick for quite a while but no one knew with what. I found out on November 13 (a Friday mind you) that I have severe ulcerative colitis and celiac disease which are both manageable but lifelong chronic illnesses that don't just go away with a pill. Everything I eat has to be Gluten Free and that took a major adjustment and for my colitis I have to get treatments of strong infusions every 2 months at least. I have also dealt with other health problems as well for the past 2 years as complications and side effects of my UC and celiac, but that isnt' important.

Anyways, so here I am. September 30th, 2011. I have been in the hospital for 11 days now with what seems like a never ending bout of them not letting me out of here. My potassium levels will not stay up and they will not let me go home without my potassium levels being up. I am bored and I am ready to go home, but I need potassium in my body I guess.

Within the time of being in the hospital I have learned that I have to leave my entire life behind that I knew and start over. Once I am healthy enough to travel I will be moving back in my mom's house. Across the country, not in my town, with my church, with my "family" but with my family. I will not be allowed to work for a while. I have to get better. They have to get me better before I can do anything. I am leaving my whole life behind. Leaving my town, my friends, my coffee shop, my stuff, my restaurants, my CHURCH, and starting my life over. I have to drop out of grad school and don't know if I will go back. I don't know what I want to do anymore. Maybe I will go into the medical field and figure out how to help people like me. Who knows? All I know is right now...I am in the hospital and I want to go home. Right now I have no idea who I am, but God does. Right now, I am alive and I am a work in progress. And right now, in this moment, i am beginning to rebuild my life one peace at a time. This will be a peaceful process. I will not let it be anything else. I will prevail because God will hold me in the palm of his hand the entire process and He will make me into a beautiful thing. And I can't wait.

Now for two Bible verses that are going to be my life verses until I figure it out...

Romans 12:9-13
"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle."Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Galatians 2:20

What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that."


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