Monday, December 16, 2013

Becoming Me Again

I've been struggling wrestling a lot lately with the idea of being a "real person" vs. a "sick person."

It seems that our society strives so much to label people and pigeon hole them into types of people and for a long, long, long time I've been labeled a "sick person" and well being labeled a "sick person" is just not fun and sounds kind of depressing quite honestly. Plus, my doctors have been trying to get me to focus on more quality of life so that I'm not always having to focus on my health all the time (which has been a God send, trust me!) So for the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to transform from a "sick person" to a "real person" whatever that is. And let me just tell is. exhausting. but fun. but exhausting.

I am tired. But having fun. But oh so very tired.

I'm used to the only outings that I have in my day being taking my dog with me to go get some coffee and whatever doctors appointment or therapy I have that day if I have one. Lately I've been trying to add in some shopping, or a movie, or a concert, or going to coffee with friends, etc during the day. Plus, keeping up with the chores of the house too.

By the time I finish one extra thing I'm completely exhausted and my muscles in my legs especially are all shaky, but I keep on pressing on because for some weird reason I want to be a "real person."

But what is being a "real person" all cracked up to be. So far all I have found out is that they run around all the time and never get any time to rest and are always trying to out do each other, yet this is what I'm trying to do over and over. Because I just want to be normal. I just want to go one day without being sick. I just actually want to be Meggers again.

Even when I went to a concert Friday night I had to pack 15 pounds of medical equipment to be able to go successfully and comfortably since it was so far away to feel comfortable being away from home. Then yesterday I had a distant family member add me on Facebook and she was asking me about my illnesses and she goes "So are you always sick?" That kind of caught me off guard because yes I am always sick, but I also always try to live too. Or at least I think I do. I'm trying to do normal things. I'm trying to be as functioning as I can be. I'm trying to be as much of a "real person" as I can be.

I spent a lot of time talking to my counselor about this today because she said that she could tell it was really seeming to bother me. We determined that it's ok for me to be a "real person" but do it like a "sick person" needs to. So instead of doing everything that "real people" do all at once, just do them sparingly and randomly and not with so much gumption. But I have a very hard time pacing so on days where I way over do like Friday and today I have to be prepared for the crash. She said I need to learn to focus on days where I can pace and learn to do normal things at my pace so that I can feel like a "real person" but not harm myself or make myself tired or worn out. This is where I need to focus my energy right now, figuring out how to do that. That will be difficult. She suggested finding one or two friends that I trust a lot so that I can count on them to go out with them so they understand my need for pacing. We both understand my need to feel normal, but we both understand my need to not overdue because it could be detrimental to my health in the long run. I'm still recovering majorly from the concert on Friday.

But for right now I'm just going to continue focusing on me and focusing on what I'm doing to overcome my illness day by day. What I'm doing to overcome my title as "sick person" and what I'm doing to become more labeled as a "real person" whatever that means so that I can start regaining some of my life back, some normalcy back, some routine back. I'm going to stop focusing on my health as much (probably not here though, it still is a health blog) and start focusing more on what I can do and what I am doing in my life and start living this so called life that I have. I'm going to start figuring out what I need to do to be me again, because I really miss me, I used to be such an awesome person. Because like this one great band said "Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days...cause tonight's the night the world begins again."

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