Thursday, December 5, 2013

And I Will Give You Rest...

Surprise! It's the holidays! Specifically Christmas up in this household, and with holidays comes a major spoon shortage. And not just once, over and over and over again. And with major spoon shortages come major symptoms and not so fun days, and nights.

I have been having major problems with insomnia lately. I will fall asleep without trying around 10 pm which is aggravating because I'm usually in the middle of a TV show, but then when I wake up (or mom wakes me up) to take my medicine around 11 or 11:30 (or 1 or 2 am) I am up until 4 am without fail. And it's just not fair because I am so exhausted, but just can't sleep. No matter what I do. I know all the "sleep hygiene" rules and do my best to follow them. But when I can't sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning I end up turning the TV back on because I'm bored, so I guess all the rules but that one.

Anyway. So I'm not sleeping at night very much then still doing my regular stuff, plus a little bit more because of the holidays during the day and getting even more tired. I used to take naps every day...but now because I'm not sleeping well I'm trying not to take naps so that I can try to sleep that night, but then I don't, and on and on. It's a vicious cycle. Then I get one or two more things added to my schedule then the more physical symptoms start. Like the pain, and the muscle cramps, and the pain, and the blood pooling, and the pain. Pain from being tired is unreal. It shoots right through you and raises your blood pressure. And you think that you could sleep for days and days, and then you finally fall asleep, and wake up again, only 5 hours later. So frustrating.

And I'm not talking that I'm consistently tired--a feeling or need to rest or sleep--anymore, oh no. I'm feeling consistently weary--lacking strength, energy, or freshness because of the need for rest or sleep--all the time. I'm feeling consistently worn--showing the wearing effects of overwork, care, worry, or suffering.

Luckily though, I'm a believer and I know that He gives me rest. I know that He tells me in the Bible to "come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) I know that He reminds me of this daily. I know that in the times when I'm up in the middle of the night or day He is using that time to talk to me and to reassure me. I also know that He is taking care of me because I'm recovering in rest times that are so small that they are small rest times for typical people, not even for chronically ill people, and that in and of itself is a miracle. I may have to rest more frequently, but at least He's allowing me to rest for a short amount of time so I can get back to all the fun things I want to do for the holiday season.

There is a song out right now by Tenth Avenue North called "Worn" and it reminds me so much of where I am right now in my life. The song is from the perspective of somebody that is so worn that they just do not understand how life can go on and they are reaching out to God to find out if He wins and this is so where I am a lot of the time. Like where are the good times? Where does the positive energy balance come in? Where is the purpose? Where is the plan? Where are the spoons? When do we find out what the weariness is for? Will their be redemption? When does life let up? When does the struggle end? Sometimes we don't get the answers. But sometimes that's the point. Sometimes we just have to wait and stay up in the middle of the night and wait for Him to give us rest in whatever form or fashion that may be and accept it, even if it means skipping out of some of the holiday hustle and bustle.

 I will leave you with two pictures of lyrics from the song I find comfort in from the song "Worn."

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