Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Honestly, I just had to think for like 3 minutes to figure out what day it is...I am so tired, but for some reason I can't stop doing things. It's like I've reached that maximum potential point of doing nothing, but I am so tired, I need to take a break but just can't figure out how to make myself stop. My mom's house has remained spotless every day, all the Christmas presents are bought and my mom bought the presents for all the extended family and I got them wrapped up. The house is decorated, my Christmas cards were sent out. There is really nothing left to do, but sit and wait for that blessed event that happens at the end of this week. But I feel so like complacent and anxious and I don't know, almost upset about Christmas this year.

I don't know if it is because I am so freaking poor this year (which actually considering I was able to quit my job the first day of September and make it to now and still have 10 dollars in my bank account is kind of a victory to me...especially since I spent about 400 dollars on the Salisbury trip) but I am very much more aware of the complete ridiculousness that 'we' American's have made this holiday. It is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, family, friends, spending time together, reflecting on the year, etc. But instead starting around Halloween time there are commercials, sales ads, displays, etc of stuff to buy for people. Half the stuff we don't need at all, the rest of the stuff is completely unnecessary or inappropriate for the people we are buying it for (really, what 9 year old NEEDS an Ipod touch or anything like that). It could also be the fact that I literally about 2 months ago went through my house and threw away or gave away about 90% of my posessions and it really didn't phase me that much once I got over the initial shock, and let me tell you, I haven't missed one thing (except my desk but I don't have space for one anyway here). It could be the fact that I know there are millions of people that don't even have clean drinking water, a place to sleep, food to eat, a warm coat, etc and there are people spending thousands of dollars on their kids/friends/family that literally have everything they NEED and more.

I have had a very hard time this year coming up with a Christmas list, my mom keeps saying you keep changing your mind. Well it's because I keep asking for stuff...stuff that I want and could use and wouldn't put to waste but it's just stuff. I don't really NEED anything, my mom makes sure I have everything I need and more. Now the things that are on my list are thermal shirts, jeans, and sweatpants (because dang it's cold here), a donut maker (which mom I know you're reading this and I really want a donut maker), and a jewlrey box. I also asked for some books for a Bible study that I am starting at my church next semester and text books (but she graciously bought me both those things without making them my Christmas presents but I have to pay her back when I get my retirement/school money). But that is about all I could come up with and I feel bad asking for those things even. Sidenote: I did really want a Keurig, but I talked myself out of it and told mom to remove it from my list, they are still too expensive for me to justify.

I also am bummed because I didn't get the opportunity to buy presents for those that can't afford them this year because I'm a person that can't afford them this year, but not to the extent that they can't. But I always enjoy doing operation Christmas Child, angel tree, etc. There is a community center here called 14th and Chestnut and when I was in starbucks the other day (as in Monday) there were still about 20 kids names that hadn't been taken off the tree thing and that is just in one drop off location, it almost kills me to know that those kids aren't going to get anything for Christmas, but I don't have the money to make that come true for them, oh how I wish I could buy them all just one gift.

But anyways, I'm going to stop ranting about corporate America greed right now. In other news, the service engine soon light in my new car was on when we got it so I've been sans car all week while it is in the shop getting repaired (for free thank goodness since we just got it and it had a 30 day warranty) but should hopefully get it back in the morning or at some point tomorrow. Also, I have been feeling amazing this week. I really haven't not been able to do anything I wanted to do this week because of my health. I am very much more tired than I was on Saturday, my first really feeling good day, however, I am still going strong. I have been and know many of you have been praying for my Christmas miracle/one Christmas present I really wanted which was to be healthy on Christmas and it looks like I'm going to get it! Today was day 5 in a row of me feeling semi-healthy and I can't remember the last time that has happened. One of my friends commented on my facebook status about it with just one simple word: blessed. But seriously, through all this, I seriously think I am one of the most blessed people in the world. I have bad days and good days, but I have had countless, unending, prayerful support throughout the entire process and God has worked it out perfect for me at this time. Not all the answers have been yes, but everything has been answered appropriately.

So I'm going into this Christmas season kind of bummed I couldn't do more, kind of pissed off at corporate greed and people spending money they don't have on things the people they are buying for them don't need, but extremely grateful for the past 4 months of my life, the learning that has taken place, the growing that has taken place, and the fact that God has allowed me to stay positive/hopeful/peaceful/and expectantly waiting for the beautiful things he will do in my life.

Exciting happenings coming up soon!!!! :)
3 more days until extended family Christmas celebration!
4 more days until Christmas day!
14 more days until my new small group starts!
19 more days until classes start at Indiana state!

No comments:

Post a Comment