Sunday, May 17, 2015

Five Minute Friday (on a Sunday): Follow

I'm joining the Five Minute Friday revolution as of now and really meant to write on Friday (and earlier today) but for some reason my heart always wants to blog in the middle of the night or at random times not on schedule.

If you are unsure of how Five Minute Friday works or what the heck I'm talking about head to the link above and there will be complete information explaining how it works but basically it goes a little something like this...

Every Thursday night a one word prompt is posted then on Friday you write for five uninterrupted, unedited minutes about what that word means to you right now, I think this will help keep me more faithful in my blogging and in my spiritual journey as I've not been blogging much lately (which will be explained more in depth this upcoming week, I promise...but for now let's get this FMF project underway with this week's word of follow.
It's really interesting, no coincidental, no God's perfect timing that the word this week is follow.

If you know me in real life or through Facebook, you know I've just come through the HARDEST month in my life by far...and let's just say I did not exactly come out gun's a blazin'.

After being sick non-stop since October/November (there will be a more detailed blog post to come in the near future about this) my body finally decided it had had it around April 20th and I almost succumbed to my mitochondrial disease due to a sinus infection, ulcerative colitis flare, C. Diff, almost pneumonia, electrolyte imbalances, normacytic anemia, and my gastroparesis all being butt holes (literally) and landing me in the hospital for a full week with little hope and extreme frustration and a sense of gravity of the situation that led me to believe this was it, My number was up. I was going to die.

But alas, as you can tell, I made it through just fine, Or so the doctors say.

In reality, my whole life fell apart.

I was changed from tube feeds (feeding formula into my small intestine) to TPN (total parenteral nutrition or feeding nutrition through my veins) because my colon and small intestine couldn't take it anymore.Now I'm on even less oral feeding and the oral feeding I do do, because it brings me pleasure is extremely painful and causes a whole host of symptoms no one wants to know about. The discrimination findings came back about *that* professor and it was determined that he was not performing any discriminatory acts because it was he said/she said. And because I was in the hospital the last week of classes I was not allowed to complete my courses and got a 0.0 GPA this semester and was academically dismissed from my university. Because all the sudden after having a 3.85 GPA for the whole time in the program, I deal with this one professor who states to my professors this semester that I have a "history of not completing work on time" and do not need an extension even though I'm in the hospital. ME. A person who has never received a project back because it was always kept to be used as examples for the next classes coming up. ME. Who with 25 chronic illnesses never missed a day of school unless I was forced to,

So, my dear readers, when I saw that this weeks word was follow. I was like, "ha, that's funny. What the heck am I supposed to follow? Everything in my life has just been taken from me. All my goals, dreams, plans, my health, my social community, my friends, my money. What is the point of following anything?"

I'm telling you, I don't usually openly discuss my anxiety and depression on this board. But everyone with chronic illness has it and if they tell you they don't your lying. And I'm telling you, right now. I am at the bottom of the ABYSS. I am DROWNING. And I'm not gonna lie about it, or hold it back, because I feel it's imperative that I tell the truth. 

Luckily I'm a Christian and I soon realized that all I needed to follow was God's plan for my life and that is all that mattered and sometimes His plans are not what we want, but what we need, and always are in His perfect timing. Right now I am leaning on Him, trying to follow him into the uncharted territories that I am treading in ever so overwhelmingly. Trying to live out the Bible verse above from Ruth 1: 16 that states, "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay." I am trying my hardest to trust, follow, and LEAN IN to God when it seems so impossible right now.

But I think I am on the right track, Things keep getting brought to mind of what I can do with where I am right now (help in support groups with my already learned medical knowledge, appeal to the school to get back in, become a patient advocate, rock out with my 31 business so I have some income besides my disability). And I think these positive thoughts are coming to my head because I am trying, at least attempting a little to FOLLOW God's plan for my life. I'm trying to be still and listen. I'm trying to see where this leads, I'm trying not to do this on my own. And when we have the support of not only our earthly friends (which I have a ton of--thanks guys) but the support of God and we follow His will for our life, nothing will go wrong, and He will create beauty from the ashes.

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