Healing birthday and other stuff...

I have been in some of the most intense pain of my life for the past week and it has not been pretty. I've also been flaring pretty bad with my colitis still and it has basically just been me laying in bed or the couch or the floor or wherever I am really, hurting extremely bad, and trying to get up to go to the bathroom and my leg muscles not working all the way and almost falling over and then almost passing out. Over and over again for over a week now. I don't know if my potassium is crashed again or if my muscles are just being annoying or if my back is messed up because the pain is mostly in my lower back and shooting down my right leg, but whatever it is is freaking annoying. I have also been getting very close to passing out if I stand up for longer than 10 minutes and especially if it is over 30.

Good thing is I am going to see a general practitioner tomorrow and I am going to have them check my electrolytes and my hemoglobin levels and talk to them about my muscles. My old doctor and several of my other specialists have thought that I had fibromyalgia, but it has always been one of those you already have this diagnosis and that diagnosis and do you really need another diagnosis? However, I can't get the medication for it without the diagnosis and I am tired of hurting. The chiropractor helps a lot, but with no income I can't afford to go every week like I used to so the off weeks are extremely painful. I am becoming more homebound by the day and the whole point of being here is that I am supposed to be getting better...and I just feel like I am getting worse. Something has got to give. One of the reasons I haven't been blogging is because my fingers hurt severely from the typing. So far today has been a good day though so I am going to try and get up and run some errands before I'm in bed for the rest of the day and hope that tomorrow the doctor will give me some more answers. I am also still waiting to hear back from the GI doctor I want to see for an appointment time to see if we can get this colitis a little bit more under control.

I am actually not in pain at all from the colitis which is very odd for me. Plus I am eating like a champ still and last time I checked I am up to 116.6 pounds. When I got released from the hospital I was 101 pounds so I'm definitely headed in the right direction. I am also not really going to the bathroom as much as I used to but it still could get better...maybe...maybe I am just going to be like this forever because that is what colitis does. But I really think my electrolytes, hemoglobin, and energy would be better if I didn't go to the bathroom as much because I am losing so much of what I'm putting in. I think. I don't really know.

Anyways. I have done some stuff the past week on days I felt ok for at least a little bit. I helped my mom out at work on Thursday so that she could have part of Friday off for veteran's day since she can't be off unless all of her work is done. I also ate lunch with her church women's group on Wednesday which was interesting. I had salad because the main course was made with cream of mushroom soup that wasn't gluten free...but it was good salad. Friday was veteran's day so the kiddos are out of school. My aunt is a professional photographer and takes the newborn pics for the hospital that is right next to our house (thank God in case there is an emergency with me). She still had to take pics because obviously newborns don't wait for holidays so she brought her kids, my cousins, over and we hung out while she was at the hospital taking pictures. Then we all went to go see Puss and Boots at the movie theater. We wanted to go see the 3-D one, but they couldn't get the projector to turn on so after we waited almost an hour we went to the 2-D one instead and got a refund for the 3-D portion of our tickets. It was fun to get to spend time with them though. They are all so busy, eventhough we are close we still don't get to spend a lot of time together and I love them so much :) The movie was better than I thought it would be and it was a good time. Then I was completely exhausted so I spent the rest of the day and night asleep.

Saturday was pretty low maintenance. We needed to plan menus and I can't find my menu planning papers anywhere (it's a magnet that has all the days laid out with space to write the meals for each day and your shopping list and I think it disappeared in the move). So I found this cool new website that is called foodonthetable.com It is so much fun and one of my new obsessions. You go on there type in your zip code and it brings up the stores near you. You pick the stores you shop at and it imports the sales into their database. Then you tell it what you feel like eating that week (chicken, pork, beef, etc and it has several choices for each, what kind of veggies you like, etc) and if you have any special diets (me being gluten free and allison-my sis- being semi vegetarian were clicked. Then it combines all that information, once you rate it in order of importance, and gives you recipes. You click on the recipes you want for that week and get enough for all your meals. Then when you are done you hit print and it prints out the recipes and your grocery list with the sales and everything. How awesome is that. Of course we needed to add snacks and stuff to the list, but within less than like 30 minutes we had menu for the whole week and a grocery list to go with it. Then all I had to do is cross reference with coupons and we were on our way. How cool is that? I almost passed out at the grocery store several times, but we did find gluten free oreos there so life was ok still. This week we will be having: "poverty meal"-which sounds like goulash, chicken with tomatoes and mushrooms, ground turkey shepherds pie, shredded french dip, spaghetti bake, and spaghetti squash chicken alfredo. Sounds great, right? I know I'm excited. I've really gotten into this cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, thing. The foodonthetable.com thing costs 15 dollars for the first 3 months (only 5 dollars a month for this month) but we think we can get enough recipes and menus in the first 3 months for us to not have to renew it for 10 dollars a month after that. So we are trying it and so far it has already paid for itself with the new recipes and ease of the shopping this week. My mom likes it because she doesn't do the whole menu planning thing. If it were up to her she would literally eat soup every meal of the day, but I like real meals. She likes it because if I don't feel good and can't cook (which was pretty much every day last week) she has the menu at hand and recipe printed out and just has to make what is on the menu and we know we have the stuff because the grocery list was created automatically from the recipes.

Yesterday I tried a new church and I LOVED it. It is called Maryland Community Church and it is non denominational. But I absolutely loved it. It is a bigger church and has definitely more contemporary music than was at FBC Salisbury but it reminded me a lot of St. Andrew's (my old church) on steroids. They start out with praise and worship music, then the message is brought (which was around 45 minutes yesterday but felt like no time at all) and then there is more praise and worship time where you can sit, stand, sing, not sing, pray at the alter, take communion whatever you feel the spirit is leading you to do. They also have a coffee/snack shop, and bookstore with new books that are relevant to classes they are offering. This Friday night the Chix group (women's ministry) is having a holiday craft night that I've already been invited too and they have so many small groups that sound like a lot of fun. The developmental disability home also brings their clients to worship there every Sunday so I feel like that may be something that I would love to get involved with and help with as well. One of my least favorite things about the church is that the communion is something I am not sure I can follow or allow myself to partake in without talking to a preacher because they just set up serve yourself stations throughout the sanctuary during the second praise and worship block and you just walk up and take it if you want it and don't if you don't. But I'm going to ask about it. One of my favorite things that I like about the church is that they do this thing called life journaling. It is a way for the whole church to read the entire Bible every year together. There is a different reading posted on their website every day and you read the readings (3 or 4 chapters a day from various parts of the Bible) and journal about a part of it that stands out to you. Then when you get together in your small groups that week or month or however often they meet you can talk about what stood out to you together. What a way to hold the entire church accountable for being daily in God's word. If you want to do it I will post the link to the church here: http://www.mccth.org/ and you can just click on the today's life journal reading plan link and do it yourself. It gives you suggestions of how to journal using the SOAP method (which doctors and therapists use all the time--but this one is a little different) It says that you follow SOAP or scripture, observation, application, and prayer. You pick out one of the scriputures and write it down, write down what you think God is saying you in the scripture and how you will apply it to your life and then a short say a short prayer and write what you think God is responding to you. That part can be done later obviously. I just thought this is such a cool idea and a great way to make sure everyone in your church is on the same page. Love it. I think I will really like this church a lot...even though it is very different than a conservative southern baptist church.

Also, yesterday was my 2 year healing birthday. I was diagnosed with celiac and ulcerative colitis on November 13th, 2009. That means for 2 years and one day now I have known that I have these diseases and have been trying to tackle them head on. I feel like if I gave up when I found out I would have already had my colon removed and been more miserable than I am now. But I am a fighter and we will figure this out and it may be that eventually my colon does get removed. But right now I'm fighting, researching, medicating, listening to my body, and advocating for myself. Right now I am celebrating 2 years of knowing that I have 2 diseases that are controllable and manageable as long as you do it right. And 2 years of knowing that I am not as crazy as I thought because I actually do have diseases that are diagnosable. I was sick for almost 6 years before we found out what it was and everyone (doctors, friends, professors, etc) were beginning to think it was all in my head including me. But 2 years and 1 day ago I found out, and I started the healing process, and it has been beautiful and will continue to be beautiful.

So anyways that is about it, and I have a lot I want to get accomplished today and I'm already getting weakish. I need to go to walmart, take the recycling to goodwill and look for some jeans because I don't have but one pair that fits and it will be cold soon, call the doctors and change some appointments around, and work on coupons for the coming up week. Wednesday I am going to Indiana State University to meet with the chair of the dietitian department so if you could start praying about that now, that would be super great. I really want to get in there. Thanks. Okay that is all for now...gotta go be productive. Love you all and miss you all and I will be back in Salisbury in 15 days for those of reading from there!!! :) Can't wait :)

Peace

Running for dear life...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

For those of you that don't really know me, I have a slight obsession with running. I am one of those crazy people that like sits down and watches things on tv like the NYC marathon and track and field college meets and loves anything about running and learning about it and doing it. I used to run all the time to get rid of my stress. I haven't been able to run to the caliber that I would love to for a long time because I have been so ill, but I would still get out and jog on good days 3-5 miles. I also coached track at the middle school I worked at. At first I thought it would be something that hindered me because practices and meets were after school and because of my disease it was all I could do most days to make it through the school (work) day, let alone another 4-5 hours for a track meet. But coaching track was the highlight of my teaching career in all honesty. I felt like I was teaching these kids so much more than they could learn in a classroom; perseverance, strength, healthy habits, jumping, etc. I loved it. But it is because running is one of my passions. And it just so happens that it is a passion that, right now, I can't pursue because of my health. But I will again one day. But seeing my kids, my team running always made me happy. I would love to be that happy again, running, releasing endorphin's, etc. I was actually in the process, right before I got really sick, training for a half marathon to raise money for Crohn's and Colitis research through the Crohns and Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA) Team Challenge. Basically you raise a ton of money (several thousand dollars) for Crohns and Colitis research and they fly you to the site of the marathon, pay for your registration, feed you and put you up for 3 days, and you run the marathon in honor of somebody or for yourself as an honored member. But that idea came crashing down for sure. Right now though I need to take a break from running to get my health back because I know running will probably way reverse any progress I have made so far, and one day I will get to run the race as a survivor and someone in remission from this horrible disease hopefully.

One kind of funny story is the second hospital I was in on my 12 day hospital stint was a teaching hospital and every day I had a different student nurse. They basically had to figure everything out about me each different day so I had to tell my whole medical history all over again. And they would always ask me things about my social history like what do you do for fun, etc. I would always say I love to fun, that is my stress reducer (which it is). And then because of how loopy I was and how much I just wanted to be out of bed I would always tell them--pretty persistently--that I wanted to get out of the hospital and go run a couple of miles right then. This was pretty hilarious because during most of this time because of my potassium crash which kills your muscles basically I was barely able to stand up, let alone walk far, let alone run anywhere...but that is what I wanted to do because the hospital was stressing me out and I wanted out of that room and I just wanted to run. Then the nurses would calm me down and convince me I didn't need to run right then and then I would tell them ok, I'll start next week. Well it's been next week plus several more and there still has definitely been no running. I have been completely devoid of energy all the time, and I am still very weak in terms of my muscles and coordination and stuff (although I am much better in that respect).

My colitis has been really really acting up and I have felt pretty lethargic and the inflammation I could tell was getting pretty bad. I haven't gotten into my new GI doctor yet so I knew I needed to do something. So this weekend after some research and advice from good friends I started taking flaxseed oil pills (which are super high in omega 3's-which naturally reduce inflammation and are just good for you in general and your body doesn't produce on it's own) and some probiotics. The GI doctor I used to go to kept telling me the reason I kept going to the hospital is because I wasn't taking my probiotics. But I don't know if any of you have ever bought probiotics but they are freaking expensive and after all the different meds and pills and treatments and on and on that are literally thousands of dollars a month I couldn't stand to shell out another 45 dollars a month for another pill that may or may not work. I am paying gobs of money for medicine that someone worked hard to invent and it's not working why would this work? Well people let me tell you. I have been on these supplements for 2 days now...and I feel awesome! Like OMG I could run a marathon right now if I wanted to. I am happy and energetic, but still tired, like that makes sense at all. I can tell that I am tired but I have enough motivation to get me to be successful at what I need to do.

Today I found a general practitioner, found somewhere to get my medication administered, called my old doctor, got my prescriptions transferred, checked out a new grocery store, found gluten free tortillas, got excited, transferred my medical records, cooked lunch for me and mom, washed dishes, went to the store for mom, came home, made gluten free cheez-its, called the insurance company, cooked me and mom dinner-quesidillas (yum), cleaned the kitchen, took the dogs out, cleaned my room, folded 2 loads of laundry, and now I'm doing this. There were breaks in there but I have been up since 7:45 and it is now 11:15 and I still have so much energy. I love how I feel, I feel healthy and I feel happy, I feel like I am winning the race. Granted I am still sick, trust me, my colon is not better yet and you don't want to know how I know that. But I feel so much better and I can tell that this may work, or at least help out a lot. I am excited that I might be able to do something that may get me off the meds mostly. That would be awesome!!!

I also realized while pondering on the Hebrews verse above that even though I gave up physical running I really haven't given up the running that is the most important. I haven't given up running towards God, and running the race He had set out for me. I have complained, I have cried, I have asked why, but I have never given up. I moved, I take my meds, I do what I am supposed to do, and I have a (mostly) positive attitude about it. I strive to honor Him in all I do in this journey and I have to have perseverance to win. The verse says to throw off EVERYTHING that hinders, not some things, everything. Just because my entire life was changed and turned upside down does not mean that God is hindering me, it means that He is giving me a new route to run, perhaps a longer route, perhaps a rougher route, but He is still letting me run this race towards Him, and for that I am thankful. Because let's face it the alternative of not running the race of perseverance is quite daunting, right? So I'm going to embrace the spiritual race of running for right now and focus on getting that right and then hopefully get back to physical running at some point soon. Maybe I'll get to be part of team challenge next year as one of the honored members, that would be awesome, to be a survivor of the dreaded disease and get to run to raise money for research so more people wouldn't have to suffer as much as I and many others have :)

Living with outrageous joy

So since I didn't write in so long and yesterday was completely different I will update some now. But there isn't really a lot to update.

Since Saturday I've been pretty sick until yesterday. I was not really able to get out of bed much at all except to run to the bathroom pretty frequently. I was able to keep eating though so at least I wasn't losing weight. I did manage to go to the trunk or treat at my mom's church to help out with crafts and that was semi fun except for the fact that I felt horrible the whole time. Sunday was pretty exciting because I think I found a church that I will like here.

It definitely was not FBC Salisbury...but it might do for a while...It is called First Baptist Church of North Terre Haute and it is American Baptist not Southern Baptist-which I can already tell will take some adjustment but not as much as a completely different denomination. The people were really nice, almost everyone that saw me sitting by myself in the back came up and introduced themselves, one guy (who I am guessing must be a deacon or the like because he later helped with the offertory) even gave me his card and told me to call him if I needed anything and then went around to different people in the congregation and found someone my age that agreed to let me sit with her. The music was really good...it's all pretty much praise and worship music not much traditional music but I'm sort of ok with that...I love the praise and worship but I'm also a sucker for a good hymn thrown in there so if it is only praise and worship all the time I might have to shop around some. The preacher was really good. He is doing a sermon series right now called Outrageous Joy out of the book of Phillipians which is one of my favorite books of the Bible anyways so it is easier to be good...this last week was on Phillipians 1:12-21 and he was talking about how our circumstances- no matter what they are- can further advance the kingdom of God...it definitely reminded me of what I'm going through and kind of what I am doing with this blog. I hope that people are realizing through my writings and hope that I am reminding myself that it will be ok and God is using this for greater good in some reason. So I really liked the church and hopefully i will meet some more people soon...they have a young adult group that meets on Sunday nights I want to go too but I didn't go last week because it was their fall party and that didn't seem appropriate to go the first time. Plus the walls of the sanctuary are no lie Carolina blue...perfect...right.

I also got registered for my classes at Ivy Tech next semester and will basically be going to school from 1:30 to 6:15 on Tuesdays and Thursdays which isn't bad for 2 upper level science classes. I will also have a 45 minute break in between to chill out/eat/and do homework. I am still in the trying to get in to talk to someone at ISU stage to see if I will actually be able to do this dietitian thing here...which it pretty much has to be here because I am not a resident anywhere else at this point and I don't have any income right now so I don't have a lot of money to fork out for college.

Oh and speaking of income, I applied today to be sub for the school system up here...there aren't benefits but I can work on days I feel like I can work and it's pretty good pay and they pay direct deposit weekly. Hopefully I can start subbing soon. I've also applied for disability and am waiting to here back from that so hopefully I'll at least get some disability coverage and some subbing and I will have some money. Right now we are actually doing okay in terms of paying the bills (minus my car which we are going to have to get rid of soon) but there is very little left over after that...I mean like very little...so tonight I spent about 3 hours couponing and we are going to go shopping Saturday and see how much savings I managed to come up with...I'm excited to see...we are also going to go to Sam's club to see if there is some good stuff that we can buy in bulk :) Oh and another really exciting thing is I found this thing called Gluten Free Saver which is like a gluten free groupon site. This week is the first week they've been in operation and I got the deal which was spend 15 dollars and get a 30 dollar voucher for gopicnic products which are like gluten free lunchables and you have to pay for shipping and handling. I ended up getting 7 complete meals for only 28 dollars including shipping that is only 4 dollars a meal which is incredible for gluten free convenience food. Plus they don't have to be refrigerated or heated up to eat so if the power goes out or something I'll have something to eat that is non-perishable. These could be great ideas for the food pantries I want to open up at some point....great ideas...

Anyways...that is pretty much it for now...trying to do a good job of living in outrageous joy...at least for now...despite the circumstances :)

PSBTW 25 days til Salisbury!!!! :)

Thankfulness

I have been a very bad blog writer lately...I apologize for that...

I don't really know why I haven't written in a record breaking 6 days. I used to do it every night before I went to bed as sort of a recap of my day and as my "quiet time" with God. Then I didn't, honestly, I was too tired from all the stuff I've been trying to do to get my life in Indiana set up, which I am quickly realizing is going to take much more than a couple of days given the amount of energy I have. Then I decided that I wasn't writing because I was sad, I'm in this new place, I don't have anyone to 'hang out with', I'm at home alone all day, I have zero money, I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss so much and no one wants to hear me whine and complain all day about stuff that probably to you seems so trivial. Then I decided I was too sick to write anything and just needed to rest and writing was too stressful, plus no one wanted to hear about me being sick.

For the past 2 nights I've said, "I can't go to bed until I do my blog." And for the past 2 nights I've watched just one more episode of 'Friends' after another on Nick at Nite until I passed out and woke up at 3 am and that is not the time to write a blog for sure. So anyways...I haven't written, but now I am...even though I am finally writing now that doesn't mean that the aforementioned thoughts are still not ever present in my mind and my heart and probably going to influence my writing. But I want this post to be about thankfulness.

You see far too many people skip the whole Thanksgiving holiday thing and it kind of actually really upsets me. Thanksgiving is almost as important of a holiday as Christmas and Easter are in my opinion. But American culture go straight from Halloween (which I typically do not even celebrate--for example this year my mom and I only gave out candy to the cousins that came over and some other extended family members that had scheduled times to come trick or treating no one else received candy from us) to Christmas. Two holidays that are all about presents and gluttony and hoarding galore (besides the whole like Christ being born part of Christmas that is so often forgotten now a days). There are Christmas decorations up in stores before Halloween is even over and no one even bats an eye to think that Thanksgiving is a big deal anymore. Thanksgiving is important, we should all learn to be more thankful--especially in America where we have so much more than many other countries in the world, yet all we do is want want want more and more. Thanksgiving is celebrated because of our abundant blessings of food and a country that was founded where we have freedom. And you know Thanksgiving has to be important because only really important holidays warrant an entire week off school like the only other ones that get time off like that or more are Christmas and Easter (although those are now referred to winter and spring break). So why do more people not celebrate being thankful.

The Bible has an awful lot to say about Thanksgiving and being thankful let me just share a couple verses with you:

"give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes 5:18

"giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Ephesians 5:20

"oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 107:1

"and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:15-17

We are called to be thankful, and I, for one, confess that the past week I have not followed the path of what God would want me to do in being thankful. I have not in whatever I have done in the past week been thankful...but then I remembered my issue with forgetting thanksgiving and remember what I did last year in November to celebrate thanksgiving. Every day in the month of November (all 30 of them not just until Thanksgiving) I made my facebook status for the day something that I am thankful for. And I am ashamed to admit that it was a very, very hard task there towards the end to have enough to have 30 different things. I wrote them all down so I would not repeat. So I am doing it again this year and am going to try to live this next month with only a thankful attitude...which I am honestly telling you I have already failed at...but that is the point of forgiveness and grace, right? Yesterday I was thankful for being able to sleep in so I could feel better and today I was thankful for having some energy to get things accomplished...sooo there are my first 2 days of being thankful, what are yours? There have also been some other pretty cool things going on in Terre Haute life, but this posting has been a little long so I will save that for tomorrow...which I promise will come...because I will be better about blogging...

So find something to be thankful for today, because I guarantee you, even if you think your life stinks and you are the bottom of the barrel...you have something to be thankful for and you are much better off than most of the people in the world...so be thankful for that...

the root of all evil

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with all kinds of griefs." 1 timothy 6:10

I have been trying to remember this verse in my head for basically since I quit my job. Money can be the root of all kinds of evil, but it can also be used for good as long as it is used in the right way. Money given to God is good, after all it is all His anyway, money for charity is good, money is good for many things. However, I am more concerned about the evil part of money right now. The part that is causing me to potentially wander or not really wander but be unsteady in my faith. The part that makes me cry and be mad at people for no good reason. The part that fills me with all kinds of grief.

Particularly, this week, the first week I've been in Indiana with my mom and and all my bills are coming due and there is no money and mom has no money and on and on has this verse been very prevalent in my mind. Especially since the bills keep coming and there is no hope of having an actual income coming in soon. I am in the process of applying for disability but that takes a while and will probably be denied. I'm not allowed to work yet at a real like job where you are scheduled to work. I can't get unemployment because I moved out of state. I did, however, attempt to start and hope it takes off my own tutoring business so that I can make some money that way but it won't be much, at least it will be something. But, it is near impossible to start your own business in this economy anyway, especially if you know virtually no one in the town you are trying to start it in.

So right now I feel worthless and I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. I know in my head that it is not my fault I am sick, it is not my fault I can't work, it's not my fault. However, I know it is my fault that I didn't have a savings account because I wasn't a good steward of my money before this happened, I know it's my fault that I have so many bills, I know it's my fault that I don't want to let my car go. I also know it is not my mom's fault or my insert other relatives fault that I am in this situation either, but they are the ones that are attempting, though not successfully enough to bail me out of this situation that I am in and that is what makes me feel the most guilty and worthless of all.

I am a 26 year old person that has a college degree and almost has a masters degree that, through circumstances (some controllable and some uncontrollable), has ended back up in her mother's house. My mom worked for the federal government for 35+ years and retired with recognition. My mom worked so hard to give me and my sister a good life while being a single parent in a horribly rich and stuck up town, even though we weren't rich or stuck up. My mom now is working part time after her retirement not because she wants too (although she thoroughly enjoys her job) but because she has too because she is now paying her bills, the student loans she took out on us to put us in college so both me and my sister could not work jobs in our degree area, and then take us back into her home years later and pay our adult bills because we are not able too. I used to not enjoy my mother, I used to not understand why we didn't have the things we wanted, why we weren't as cool as the other kids, why we didn't get brand new hummers when we turned 16 and why she was always so tired and didn't do things with us. Now I know it's because my mom spent her life making sure that me and my sister had everything we NEEDED and more, to make sure that we could be educated, and to make sure that we knew we could come home if we needed too.

I know that I don't want to be here, and I know that I feel guilty and worthless, and I know that I have bills that are unbelievable right now that are due in 4 days that we have no idea how they are going to get paid. But I know that it is okay because God and my mom love me. I think my sister loves me most of the time and I know I have friends and family that love me.

I know that some of my friends I have pissed off lately. But I'm hoping by being this open and honest in my blog that I just put everything out there that they can understand why. I have grown up my entire life around rich, stuck up people that flaunt there money all over the place and buy new hummers on a whim for their 16 year old kids to total then buy them a new one next day or the like. And I have never been rich ever and it always hurts...deep...because I don't know how someone can work so dang hard and never have any money...and I don't know how someone like me can be living one month thinking I'm poor making 33000 dollars a year and the next month literally have nothing in her bank account and be so okay with it...until someone asks why there is no money then it is a big deal...except to say...money can be the root of all evil...and money can shake your faith...but money can also do good...and i'm hoping for the good...eventually...hopefully it will work out...and hopefully my friends can forgive me when I'm in this rebuilding process and understand a little bit where I am coming from...and understand that sometimes things aren't what they seem and sometimes words are interpreted wrong...and sometimes people are trying the hardest they can and they have a fake smile on their face and they are acting like they have it all together, but they are very hurt inside and vulnerable and you have to treat them like porcelain dolls because one wrong move and they will break but that isn't your fault it's my fault because I'm the one that is messed up and hurt...even though I have a smile on my face and am trying the hardest I can...

homecoming

So I haven't posted at all since I left Salisbury, rode across the country, moved into my mom's house and sat here for 2 days wondering what to do.

We weren't able to fit everything I had into the minivan and my car. But we were only not able to get some books and one of my chairs into the vehicles and a friend is storing them for me until I come back in December. Then we took off. We drove all the way to London, Kentucky and we had fun besides the whole being stuck in the car thing. We had a lot of fun in the hotel room on Saturday night then Sunday we woke up and finished driving to Indiana. Sunday was not as good of a day. I was in a lot of pain and I really wanted to be at church. But it was ok. We got here and we unpacked the car and basically we all crashed. The weekend was so exhausting. I still haven't been able to do much but sleep the past 2 days.

My muscles are hurting pretty bad and none of my unpacking is done besides my bed and tv. Not everything is going to fit in my room, or my closet. Not everything is probably even going to fit in the house...but it will be ok. Tomorrow I plan to tackle some stuff of unpacking and hope that I can get some other stuff done around town.

I've been adjusting ok, but I definitely had my first real breakdown on Sunday night when I saw how much stuff I still have and how much space I don't have. I've been doing better day by day emotionally though.

It was a rough weekend to move anyway because even though I was going 'home' I've never actually lived here. It is where my mom grew up, but I've only visited here a handful of times. This is not my home. My home is in Salisbury where I found myself, where I moved to because I went to college there and it was homecoming weekend. All my friends were coming back in town and all their facebook status updates were like homecoming yay...and I was like hey I'm moving across the country today away from my home where I know no one besides my family...how cruel...

Anyways, the day I was shopping with wifey in downtown Salisbury like the week I got out of the hospital we went to Critters which is a unique gift shop. Randomly I noticed that they had like Salisbury memorabilia and I looked at it. One of the things was one of those little wooden signs that have cutsey sayings on them and one of them said Salisbury: Home is where your journey begins" Of course, I had to buy it because in a lot of ways my journey began in Salisbury. I found out who I was, I found a career, I lived on my own, bought a car, moved somewhere where I knew no one and found a life. I needed that sign to put in my new home to remind me that as long as I'm on a journey I'm at home. As long as I am doing what God needs me to do I am home. Because as much as people think it's true my home really isn't Salisbury, Charleston, Maryland; or Terre Haute,Indiana. My real home, the only home that matters, is Heaven. And I haven't gotten there yet physically but my spirit is there and because of that any place that is currently 'home' can be my home because God will get me through it and I know that in the long scheme of things it is only temporary, I will be home one day soon...and I will get to stay there for eternity with no threat of being uprooted. I can't wait for the ultimate homecoming celebration :)

better than i deserve

Today was my last day in Salisbury for a while and it certainly was a busy one...I got up and went to the chiropractor to get adjusted and then got coffee from Port City Java. Then I came home and Deborah met me at my house and we cleaned and packed for quite a long time. Well she cleaned and I packed and got worn out and tired. I packed the stuff for the church for someone to come and pick it up. Once we had gotten a fair amount of the kitchen clean we went out to lunch at OCharley's and it was really good.

Then we stopped by Catawba and I got the money for the laptop I sold to one of my old professors. Then we went back and cleaned and packed some more. Then I had to be in like 5 places at once but it all worked out. I had to go to the post office because I had a certified letter I had to pick up. Then I had someone that needed me to drop off my blender, pick up my washer and dryer and pick up the stuff for the church, and someone that wanted me to drop off my barstools all at the same time. All while I am not even at my apartment because the line at the post office was ridiculously long and I knew I needed to get that letter since I am leaving tomorrow. Well let me tell you how God works. I left the post office Rick calls me and says he is on his way to my apartment. Crystal the person who bought my washer and dryer and we weren't sure how we were going to move it calls me and says she is headed to my apartment, right when Rick is on his way there with his son. So I knew that I had someone to help move the washer and dryer. So the washer and dryer are gone and the church stuff is gone. The person I was supposed to meet at the mall to give my blender agreed to just come to the church and the person getting the barstools was running late so that wasn't an issue either. Then I still had to go get my oil changed so I ran the barstools down to her house and went to get my oil changed. Then I dropped some stuff off at goodwill then went to Janna's house to eat dinner.

We ate dinner and talked and hung out and had fun. Her kids are so cute and I am so sad that I am going to have to miss most of their like major growing up. By the time I come back officially Grayson will be in school how crazy is that. I was there the day both of her kids were born. I can't believe how much they have both grown. Anyways. I still have stuff to pack and I am still hyperventilating pretty often wondering if all the stuff I have is going to fit in the vehicles even though I know it will because God will make everything I need fit...even though that may mean I need to get rid of some more stuff tomorrow...because I said I know He will make everything I need fit not everything I want and I have plenty of what I want right now, not just what I need. I can't imagine what I did with all the rest of that stuff that I had beforehand. Right now all my possessions fit in my living room and there is still space to walk and I am not even keeping some of the stuff that is still in here...so I really don't have much...but I still have way more than I need and most of it is stuff that I want.

So even though I sit here, blogging, and contemplating how I can possibly think about sleeping part of my last 10 hours in my beloved Salisbury away...I realize that despite all the bad, despite the fact that I have to leave my home...I am better than I deserve, blessed abundantly, and one of the richest people in the world not because of my finances obviously (although I did manage to make almost an entire months salary by selling my stuff...go God) but because I have the biggest support system a girl could ask for. And I know that I have friends that love me and will continue to support me no matter where I am, and I know that no matter what Salisbury is my home...and it always will be part of me, even if the plan doesn't work out and I don't get to come back ever after tomorrow...this beloved town will always be my first official home and I will always have the fondest memories of her :)