Thursday, October 27, 2011

the root of all evil

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with all kinds of griefs." 1 timothy 6:10

I have been trying to remember this verse in my head for basically since I quit my job. Money can be the root of all kinds of evil, but it can also be used for good as long as it is used in the right way. Money given to God is good, after all it is all His anyway, money for charity is good, money is good for many things. However, I am more concerned about the evil part of money right now. The part that is causing me to potentially wander or not really wander but be unsteady in my faith. The part that makes me cry and be mad at people for no good reason. The part that fills me with all kinds of grief.

Particularly, this week, the first week I've been in Indiana with my mom and and all my bills are coming due and there is no money and mom has no money and on and on has this verse been very prevalent in my mind. Especially since the bills keep coming and there is no hope of having an actual income coming in soon. I am in the process of applying for disability but that takes a while and will probably be denied. I'm not allowed to work yet at a real like job where you are scheduled to work. I can't get unemployment because I moved out of state. I did, however, attempt to start and hope it takes off my own tutoring business so that I can make some money that way but it won't be much, at least it will be something. But, it is near impossible to start your own business in this economy anyway, especially if you know virtually no one in the town you are trying to start it in.

So right now I feel worthless and I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. I know in my head that it is not my fault I am sick, it is not my fault I can't work, it's not my fault. However, I know it is my fault that I didn't have a savings account because I wasn't a good steward of my money before this happened, I know it's my fault that I have so many bills, I know it's my fault that I don't want to let my car go. I also know it is not my mom's fault or my insert other relatives fault that I am in this situation either, but they are the ones that are attempting, though not successfully enough to bail me out of this situation that I am in and that is what makes me feel the most guilty and worthless of all.

I am a 26 year old person that has a college degree and almost has a masters degree that, through circumstances (some controllable and some uncontrollable), has ended back up in her mother's house. My mom worked for the federal government for 35+ years and retired with recognition. My mom worked so hard to give me and my sister a good life while being a single parent in a horribly rich and stuck up town, even though we weren't rich or stuck up. My mom now is working part time after her retirement not because she wants too (although she thoroughly enjoys her job) but because she has too because she is now paying her bills, the student loans she took out on us to put us in college so both me and my sister could not work jobs in our degree area, and then take us back into her home years later and pay our adult bills because we are not able too. I used to not enjoy my mother, I used to not understand why we didn't have the things we wanted, why we weren't as cool as the other kids, why we didn't get brand new hummers when we turned 16 and why she was always so tired and didn't do things with us. Now I know it's because my mom spent her life making sure that me and my sister had everything we NEEDED and more, to make sure that we could be educated, and to make sure that we knew we could come home if we needed too.

I know that I don't want to be here, and I know that I feel guilty and worthless, and I know that I have bills that are unbelievable right now that are due in 4 days that we have no idea how they are going to get paid. But I know that it is okay because God and my mom love me. I think my sister loves me most of the time and I know I have friends and family that love me.

I know that some of my friends I have pissed off lately. But I'm hoping by being this open and honest in my blog that I just put everything out there that they can understand why. I have grown up my entire life around rich, stuck up people that flaunt there money all over the place and buy new hummers on a whim for their 16 year old kids to total then buy them a new one next day or the like. And I have never been rich ever and it always hurts...deep...because I don't know how someone can work so dang hard and never have any money...and I don't know how someone like me can be living one month thinking I'm poor making 33000 dollars a year and the next month literally have nothing in her bank account and be so okay with it...until someone asks why there is no money then it is a big deal...except to can be the root of all evil...and money can shake your faith...but money can also do good...and i'm hoping for the good...eventually...hopefully it will work out...and hopefully my friends can forgive me when I'm in this rebuilding process and understand a little bit where I am coming from...and understand that sometimes things aren't what they seem and sometimes words are interpreted wrong...and sometimes people are trying the hardest they can and they have a fake smile on their face and they are acting like they have it all together, but they are very hurt inside and vulnerable and you have to treat them like porcelain dolls because one wrong move and they will break but that isn't your fault it's my fault because I'm the one that is messed up and hurt...even though I have a smile on my face and am trying the hardest I can...

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