Wednesday, October 5, 2011

nothing worth having comes easy...

So it's been a couple of days since I've written. I've basically been so overwhelmed with emotion and recovery and pain that I haven't been able to process anything I've been feeling since I got out on Saturday.

Sunday I went to church and announced to my Sunday school class and other people in passing that I was going to be leaving and could barely get out the words. After I made the announcement I basically sat there and couldn't stop thinking about that I had said it out loud and therefore it was real and that I was on a two week time clock publicly, which really upset me because the lesson was so good and I feel like I didn't get the whole effect out of it because I was in emotional shock. I think a lot of people that read this blog don't realize when I say how much it pains me to leave my church how much it does. I have been alone and single the entire time I've lived in Salisbury and I have been through many hard but very blessed times because of my church and especially my sunday school class. My family is far away so my church are the people that have taken care of me, visited me in the hospital, gotten me through college, gotten me through teaching, laughed with me, cryed with me, they are the family that I don't have and I want to keep them all with me all the time because they are so so important to me. And I know some of you are reading this and it is true and you will never know how much you mean to me.

Anyways, the church service was smack dab pointed straight to me from the songs which included lyrics like:
"You give and take away for my good
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
All that’s in me bless Your name
Forget not Your power un- told
not Your glory or Your fame
For You came to heal the broken
to redeem and make me whole
Bless the Lord, O my soul"

to the message that was all about fearing nothing but God and starting ironic.

I then went out to lunch with the wonderful group of people that I eat with almost every Sunday and had a wonderful time and actually felt pretty good and normal for the first time in almost a month. The rest of Sunday was definitely restful because I was exhausted and in a lot of pain from being out for 5 hours after being in the hospital for 12 days.

Monday was a sit and stare and look at everything kind of day and get up the gumption to actually tackle this thing called pack up your life and move away and become depressed about it. I basically watched tv all day and thought about what i needed to be doing but couldn't get motivated to do it because first off I felt like crap and second off I couldn't start packing because that made it real.

Tuesday (yesterday technically because it is like 3:15 in the morning) was the day that it all became real but it was actually a really good day. It was a God filled day, it was a blessed day, and I really enjoyed it thanks to the wonderful blessing filled people in my life. It started out rough and with me sitting there crying every 20 minutes when I would start to throw away something or pack something or whatever. Then a friend came over and took all my bookshelves (bought) and things were officially moving out of my apartment and it was starting and I couldn't reverse. I knew that I had to make a decision right then to do this with peace like I promised my self or do this with pity but either way it was happening and it was started and it wasn't going to stop so I had to get on board one way or the other. I tackled the hardest part first (where all my office stuff was) and got it done. I took a break and went to chic-fil-a because indiana doesn't have one (that is how most of my food choices will be made now only local salisbury places for the next 2 weeks pretty much :) Then I came back home and was pretty tired so took a break but then i got up and went back. Then the most amazing thing happened. Someone knocked at the door. I was expecting someone so I told them to come in, but it wasn't that person it was my friend Misty who just happened to get off work early and came to help me pack. She started full steam ahead packing everything and helping me throw stuff away and just going through everything then my other 2 friends showed up I thought just to look at stuff that I had to see if they wanted anything and they ended up staying with me and misty for almost 2 hours and we got my entire living room packed, part of the kitchen, and my bedroom ad Misty told me she would be back in the morning to help some more. YAY!! Once it started and was making real progress my entire attitude changed. I had been focusing on how much of my stuff I don't get to keep. While we were packing I decided that I was so blessed and fortunate that I get to go through everything I own piece by piece and pick the things that are most important and special to me to keep. I am so blessed and fortunate that my apartment did not catch on fire or flood or something and I lost everything in an instant without the pleasure of choosing my most prized possessions to maintain. I will be getting rid of tons of things that I love and would love to have but nothing I own is truly mine. It is all God's and it is His to choose what we get to keep and what we don't. He is so merciful to me to allow to choose what I get to keep, even if it is not everything that I wanted. I am so blessed. I am so blessed I have a family that is willing to bail me out in my time of need and take care of me. I am so blessed that I know when I am healed, which will happen, that I will most likely get the opportunity to return to my beloved Salisbury. I am so blessed in so many ways even though the valley seems so deep right now.

Also, I am exciteed that the church I go to is in the process right now of setting up emergency apartments for those in need and they need stuff to furnish them with so anything that I have left over I am going to get to donate to them so that the apartments will have stuff in it. So I know that my stuff will be going to a good use and benefiting the church that I love so much!!! How awesome is that? I have also been throwing around the idea about going back to school to be a dietitian to help people that are like me not get as sick as I did by controlling their diet. I am so blessed to think I have a direction....even if it takes forever and costs a lot and may never happen. I am very blessed. Anyways....the title of this post is nothing worth having comes easy...and I am realizing that more and more each day, but I am realizing it is worth it.

Leaving Salisbury is the hardest thing I will do to date, but it is necessary for my health and my health is worth having and it isn't going to be easy and it isn't going to be fast. But with God's good grace, a little faith, some social networking to stay in touch, visits, and lots of candy, it will get done and when it's done it will be beautiful...because God makes beautiful things. And every tear, mile, dr's visit, etc will be worth it because I will be healed and it will be amazing. Then I can come back to my beloved Salisbury (if it is in THE plan) and have my life back. For right now though I will enjoy my last 11 or 12 days here and make amazing memories and keep on building one peace at a time...

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