Monday, October 10, 2011


So yesterday after church...which was amazing again...of course...I was planning on just coming home and laying in bed and watching movies/football all day and I started out that way.

I wanted to watch the Colts game but it wasn't aired down here (which turned out to be a very good thing because I would've probs broken my TV considering how horribly they messed up the second half of that game...this will def be an 0-16 season) But Dirty Dancing was on TV so I watched that, it is one of my all time favorite movies. In fact when Patrick Swazye passed away, it was before I was gluten free, I went to food lion and got a pint of half baked Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watched Dirty Dancing and cried over and over I watched Dirty Dancing.

But then I decided I needed to go through my teaching stuff. I'm not allowed to teach anymore, someone can use my I decided to try and sell some of it, throw some of it away, and I'm going to donate some of it to the college I went to here and they are going to give it to students who will graduate this year and begin teaching...really unless you are a teacher you have no idea how much it costs to start a classroom. But anyways I had to go through all of it and every activity, book, etc has a memory of a lesson I did with my kiddos. I love my kiddos, I miss my kiddos, I want to be with my kiddos...but I know that I need to get better and I know that teaching is bad for my body. In fact, Saturday I saw 2 of my kiddos at McDonald's, luckily they didn't see me, and I quickly escaped to the parking lot into my car to cry, but I knew I couldn't let them see me because I couldn't handle them coming up to me and seeing me and smiling at me, I would completely lose it then.

I've already been able to sell some of my stuff to 2 of my very good friend teachers and I know they will use it well. Plus, one of the many good things about me starting school again in January is that gave me an excuse to keep all of my school supplies. My pencils, pens, highlighters, markers, crayons, etc, etc. Anyone who knows me knows I have a slight possible psychiatric obsession with school supplies and this made me very happy...and my mom and BFF both laughed at me loudly when I told them my excitement when I realized I got to keep these things. haha...

Anyways, so I can't ever teach again and some people are feeling sorry for me because of this and some people are like don't worry God will give you people to teach even if you aren't in a classroom...and my possible rude but true retort has been but I don't want to teach ever again, it makes me sick to think about it...but it's true there is bureaucracy and red tape and rules and regulations and I don't like it...I just wanted to teach...but in all reality I realize that God made it so I never want to teach again because if you asked me a month and a half ago...I was going to teach until I died in my classroom basically it is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life I loved it every second of it...and now I never want to do it again...and I can't ever do it again...and I know God made it that way...because if I still wanted to teach I would be mad at God...and I'm not, I'm extremely excited about the new opportunities He has offered me and that makes me happy.

I am getting excited about leaving Salisbury. I'm excited about getting to live near my family and actually get to know them (I feel like I don't even know anybody in my family because I only go home 2 times a year, now I will get to know them for real). I'm excited about starting school. I'm excited about the new doctors that will hopefully be able to make me better. And I'm excited that I'm starting to realize that no matter where I am, I am still me. No matter what I do with my life I am still me. What I do or where I am don't define me, I define me, and my relationship with God defines me. And I hope through this whole journey my relationship with God is never in question. So yes I am extremely sad to be leaving my beloved Salisbury, and I will miss everyone here with immense pain and memory...but it's only a 2 hour plane ride away or a 2 day drive and in 2 and a half years when I get better and finish school I will be back. I know Salisbury is my home, I know it will work out where I can come back. But right now I am going to be excited about going to my new home...and making something more beautiful out of myself.

Side note:

Reasons why church was amazing yesterday:
~Sunday school lesson directly applied to life right now in this second. It was the story in Luke where the people bring the paralyzed man to Jesus to be healed but there is a long line so they lower him through the roof to be set directly in front of Jesus. Jesus first forgives him of his sins and then heals him and he is able to get up and walk out and praise God with great joy. The reason that it is suspected that Jesus forgives him of his sins first is that a) the people observing that would not expect it and b) you have to be spiritually healed before you can be physically healed. The reason that this applies to my life is obviously because I'm sick and I'm in agreement that Jesus will heal me when he sees fit...but also that I had to come to the same decision that Jesus did in this. When all this happened I needed spiritual healing and I needed it fast or else I would never get better. I had to accept that God has a plan and He knows what He is doing and He is going to take care of my every need, I had to not get mad at God and ask Him why. I needed to forgive God and maintain a strong relationship with Him from the beginning of this before I can even start the physical healing. Being stressed out upset and mad is just going to make my physical condition worse. So like the paralytic man, I needed spiritual healing and forgiveness of my sins before my physical healing. I am not saying I am completely spiritually healed, but I am on my way, and I am on my way to physical healing too. I know my positive attitude is helping me feel better than I should. All my muscles are achy all the time from the potassium crash, I have virtually zero energy, I shake all the time. But I am in a good mood and I want to be out around my friends, and I love being at church worshiping my God, and I know that has made the difference in my ability to get out of bed even if just for 2 or 3 hours a day. Because Jesus has forgiven me of my sins and is holding me in his hand throughout this whole process.
~Sang song "Lift my Eyes" by Bebo Norman which is one of my fave songs and again directly applies to my life in this second.
~And now for a few things that I picked up in the sermon that again directly apply to my life right now in this second:
*"My trust has to be deeper and wider than my clarity"
*"No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy, from the sound of weeping..." Ezra 3:13...I feel like this is how everything is right now in my head...joyful yet sad
*We lose sight of things when we compare today's opportunities vs yesterdays victories whenever you compare to anything discouragement will be a byproduct
*God's work done God's way is never insignificant
*"He will never leave you or forsake you" Deut 31:6
*"And in this place I will grant peace (shalom)" Haggai 2:9
*We cannot trust our possessions, money has no guarantee of everlasting power, but the promises of God from the OT to the moment in time are he will never leave you or forsake you, He is not giving up on you-Kenneth Lance
*God will never allow himself to be managed

Have a good day everyone :)

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