Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Good days and bad days

So I haven't written since Monday and the reason that I've been telling myself I haven't written since Monday is because I haven't felt good, at all. And I really have been trying to keep the vibe of this blog as positive as possible. But one of my friends who reads my blog called me out on it, and told me hey you haven't done your blog and I'm like because I'm sick right now and I am mad at my health and I'm scared I'm going to have to go back to the hospital and I don't want to write about that. He said that is a big part of your blog though, I mean the whole reason I'm starting over is because of my health. I have to write on the bad days too. Because truth be told I will have good days but my bad days, for right now, will probably outnumber my good days because I am really sick, even though all of you keep telling me I look good. But my sick is on the inside of my body and even though I look good, which I work really hard at...I feel horrible. I am achy, I have headaches a lot more now, I am very weak, I am exhausted all the time. All this getting out and stuff that I am doing to keep from going mentally insane in my house alone all day is probably not helping because it takes so much dang energy.

Anyways, yesterday was a really bad day, it was a really scary day for me too. I was never in any 'danger' per se but it was scary. My stomach started acting up for the first time since I've been out of the hospital and I spiked a 100.4 degree fever. My legs would not work, if I stood up I would almost collapse and my hands were constantly shaking. Since I've been out of the hospital I have been insatiably hungry and yesterday for the most part I could care less about food but knew I had to eat at least breakfast, lunch, and dinner because I have believe it or not gained 9 pounds this week and didn't want to mess up my progress. But when all of your symptoms start coming back from the thing that just put you in the hospital for 12 days and the dr's said you almost didn't make it get scared...when you have not just one or two but three chronic diseases that could easily put you in the hospital at any second if you're not careful you get scared...when you really can't take care of yourself and live by yourself you get scared. Living one day at a time, not knowing what the next day, or hour even brings healthwise is scary...but it's my life...and I'm not the only one who lives it. I am not the only person in the world that is chronically ill and I won't be the last. But it is my life and at times...on the bad days it is scary. But I make it through the bad days so that I can live to see the good days. The days where I can get out for four hours and enjoy some time with my friends from church. The days that I know I will have in the future because I could have died 2 weeks ago and I didn't...which means there is a reason I'm I know I have some future even if it is one knows the day they will die really.

So I will try to write even on the bad days because those are the days that I need support and those are the days that I need prayers the most. Last night was really bad, I had a high fever (but not high enough to go back to the hospital) I had to go to the bathroom 6 times between 11 pm and 8 am, literally...I kept track. But today I rested pretty much all day. I only went to lunch with a friend, and went to church tonight. I have felt a little better but not really. But I wanted to go to church because now I only have this Sunday and Wednesday to go then that is it for a while...I still don't feel good but I need to see people laying in bed feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me better, although overdoing it isn't either.

I need to find the balance in my life between the good days and the bad days, the balance between the getting out and resting. It is something I am working on. But things continue to be working out perfectly for right now and I can literally feel God holding me throughout the whole process. It has been a beautiful journey so far and will continue to be. Oh yeah, and today I got my official acceptance letter to community college so at least next semester is a go. And we will see what God has in store for after that...for right now I need to go rest...and hope that tomorrow I have a good day :)

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