have fun at college

Today was a long, long day. It started out as a great feeling day. I slept all the way through the night for the first time in months last night...got 8.5 straight hours of sleep...unheard of. Then I went and took some stuff to Catawba and got some coffee. Then came home and Amber met me here and we cleaned.

Now my entire bedroom is empty and the floor is done in there, my bathroom is like spotless compared to what it was and there is only stuff I need in there until we leave on Saturday and my fridge/freezer got cleaned out. We had some fun while we did it too. It is getting to real now. I am not enjoying much of my time anymore, I am trying to stay positive but it isn't really working. I just am gonna miss this place so much and the people I have become friends with. It really is amazing that I moved here 7 years ago not knowing a single person and have managed to find so many people that genuinely love and support me. Anyways...

After cleaning, I went back to Catawba to deliver some more of my teaching stuff, talk to some professors, and catch up with mommy #2, Rose Ann, the music department secretary that I did workstudy for. I will miss her a lot too. But we got to talk for about 2 hours and it was good and I will see her when I come back to visit too. Then I came home delivered something else to someone else that I sold. Then I got ready for my dinner for my Sunday school class/random people.

It was really wonderful. There were so many people that came up and I got to see some people for the last time. Angela and Russ and the handbells got me a thing with tons of gluten free cookies in it for the car ride home. Angela said she made sure there was lots of chocolate in it, a girl after my own heart. :) I got some other pretty awesome gifts too, but I'm not going to call any of them out on here...but they know :) I managed not to cry much and have some fun though it was hard. And I ate my entire salad...and if you've ever seen a salad from Palm's you know that is quite a feat, but not for me, eater extraordinaire. Some of my church friends are joking that this is almost like they are sending me off to college because right now the plan is to go home, get better, go to school, come back and get a job. So lots of people are like it's just like you're going to college...so yeah that is how we are trying to look at it. So in one of my cards from dinner tonight, this person wrote, "You are a dear sister in Christ and I am so excited for the plans that God has for you next! So 'have fun at college' and hurry home!" When I read her card and saw her gift (thank you, thank you, thank you) that is when I lost it. But it was a good cry. It was a cry where I realized how much I am loved and supported and cared for her. And made me realize that even though I won't be here in person I know that people will be praying for me and hoping that I can come 'home' soon. I know that I am going home technically to be with my family. But I've never lived where I'm moving. I don't know people there but my family. It's cold and I don't like cold. And I am sure I will make it homey for the time I am there, and I'm sure I'll have enjoyable times. But everyone who knows me knows that this town is my home. I just hope I get to come back like the plan is now.

Tomorrow is my last full day in my 'home' and the day after that I am going 'home'...it's gonna be a long, emotional next couple of days, but it is all part of the story. All part of God doing what He needs to do to make this a beautiful story and to make me a beautiful, healthy person. God will be there, and I will cry, but it's ok, hey even Jesus wept :) Tomorrow will be cleaning running errands, etc and hanging out with some friends. Then Saturday we are packing up and moving. I am definitely sad, but I just have to keep reminding myself it is God's plan...or is at least appearing that way so I guess I should just get ready for the ride...and don't stop believing...'

It''s not really goodbye...sort of...

Yesterday was a great day. I felt good. I got my hair cut and it looks good. I hung out with Misty after she finished cutting my hair. Then I went to lunch with my friend Kim at Palms and the food was good and we talked and talked and talked for 3 hours. We don't get to get together very often and this was the last time we would get to get together for a while so we had a lot to talk about. It was so much fun and she is such an encouraging and uplifting person. She genuinely, actively listens and cares for you when you are in her presence. The very first time I went to the hospital with all this almost 2 years ago, when I got out she took care of me. I went and lived in her basement for a couple of days and she was my "mommy" and she cooked for me and it was awesome. Since then we have done the living Christmas tree together, we have chaperoned at Caswell together, we have talked and we have had many hugs and encouraging moments. She is awesome. After our 3 hour lunch we parted ways, but she said she would stop by my big farewell dinner tomorrow night and if she doesn't I'll see her in December when I come back.

After lunch I had coffee with the teacher that when I did YoungLife Capernaum, the kids in that group were in her classroom. Those kids are the ones that made me want to be a speical ed teacher and if teaching was all about those kids and my kids that I taught I would still want to be a special ed teacher. But that is not what teaching is about. Teaching is about rules, regulations, paperwork, staff meetings, deadlines, doing things you wouldn't normally do to please your supervisor, more paperwork, staff developments, parents yelling at you, teachers yelling at you, media mis-portraying you and all the hard work you've put in (sometimes), leaving no child behind which really leaves EVERY child behind, money, testing, and then a little bit about the kids. This is not what teaching should be about, but it is. I am sure I will find some of this when I become a dietitian, but probably not as much. Anyways. Karen and I had coffee for 2.5 hours. We talked about the serious trouble our educational system is in, why it is ok that she made me fall in love with teaching and now I'm not doing it, and how I can still work with these kids. After talking to her I realized, maybe for the first actual time, that I really am ok without teaching. I had been saying it to people and been saying it to myself, but after some of the stuff she has told me has happened in the short month and a half I've been out I am so freaking happy I am not a teacher anymore. Amen. And then I gave her some stuff from my classroom that she could use. Then we hugged and promised to keep up.

After all this I was completely exhausted and my throat hurt, which some people have determined the cause to be all the talking I've been doing lately with all my lunches/dinners/coffees, etc. So I rested until about 2 oclock today. Today I went to lunch with Amanda one of my friends. She used to work at my favorite coffee shop which is no longer my favorite coffee shop but I still go there some. And she is also a Catawba student. Her mom goes to my church and has been an amazing help with the move as well as Amanda and just someone who I could tell is genuinely nice all the time. She would always ask Amanda to ask how I was doing when she worked at the coffee shop. So we had lunch and talked and had fun.

Then I went over to Misty's house and had the last "family" dinner with her and the kids, which turned into me and her and Katie because Bradie was in a really bad mood and sick and so he went to his room. We decided it would be best to tell the kids goodbye now, while we were alone together, and it wasn't as sad yet. So I won't see them until Decemeber, but that is ok. It will come fast. Then I went to church. I saw a lot of my favorite people in the world for the last time today but it is ok because I will see them again soon. It was so hard because they would leave in like waves so it was like every 5 minutes for a while there person would come up and hug me and be like goodbye, then random person would come up and hug me and say goodbye, and so on. But most of that happened in the library and there is chocolate in there so I only got teary eyed once and the tootsie rolls fixed that right up. And now I'm home. There is still a ton of stuff that needs to be done before I leave. Including more packing, cleaning, etc. But there are people coming to help me Thursday and Friday so hopefully it will all get done well enough to leave on Saturday. I can't believe it is so close...but that just means we are that much closer to December :)

Perfection

Yesterday, I thought when I went to church I would cry the entire time because it was the last time I was going to get to go for a while. But I didn't, I held it together, and I worshiped God. It was a good church service, there was a good vibe. We sang "Blessed be the name of the Lord" and the preacher started us clapping, which never happens at my church. But it did yesterday, because God knew I needed to praise God in a more exuberant way and knew that I wouldn't do it on my own. Yesterday at church was also good because the Sunday school lesson and the sermon were both on trusting God to provide for your every need even when you have nothing but only if you give. I know this know more than ever. And it seems to be working out for me. I definitely don't have money to be giving right now but I have stuff to give and I have time to give and every time I do I get money in return. And it has been amazing to see how God has provided for every need as I've needed it. Not a second before and not a second after. My God is an on time God.

Speaking of on time God and providing for every need. As of last week we weren't sure that my insurance was going to get approved. If I don't have continuous health insurance coverage I have pre-existing conditions and then my insurance sky rockets like close to or over 1000 dollars a month. I was also really worried because I had to get my treatment on Friday (which I've mentioned is around 5000 dollars per time) and I technically didn't have health insurance for it since the paperwork hadn't gone through yet. But I got my new insurance cards today with an effective date of 10/13/11, the day before my treatment...yeah...God is on time...always.

I also got rid of (sold) my futon today and have a very possible buyer for my washer and dryer :) They are both giving me less than what I was asking but they needed them and I needed them gone. So that is what happens. They are happy and I am sort of happy.

Today or yesterday really I started the process of saying "goodbye". I went to lunch with someone who has been my friend and involved in like a trillion clubs with me and then went to church with me since my freshman year of college. She is really the only person I still keep up with college except through reading facebook status updates. Like really keep up with. Then tonight I went to dinner with a large portion of my church family. My friends that I usually go out to lunch with every Sunday, my deacon, my friend Angela who I worked with at Catawba and who invited me to First Baptist (thank you, who knew how much the church would mean to me later), and my friend Mary Ann who I helped with Capernaum YoungLife, the challenge team for upward basketball, and she helped me with a lot too when I went through my many hard times. Most of these people I will see on Wednesday night some of them I won't but all of them I dearly love with all of my heart. Many of them have helped shape me into who I am today, and they all have supported me financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically at one point or another. These are very special people and I really hope we stay in touch while I'm gone and they are all still here when I come back.

Now after writing all this I am crying for the first time today, but not the last time this week I guarantee it. I've already decided this week will be one of the most emotionally and mentally exhausting weeks I've ever had. I barely have any free time because of all the people that are trying to see me or that I want to see before I leave.

I just have to remember two things for now:

1) I will be back, I will (finance and health permitting) in fact be back for a week in only a month and a half.

2) I saw this Bible verse today and it seems very applicable and pertinent..."As for God, His way is perfect" Psalm 18:30 This doesn't mean half way done or His timing is almost right. PERFECT. Everything that is happening to me right now, in this moment is PERFECT because God ordained it, therefore it has to be. And that, my friends, is truth that I can rest in tonight and gives me the strength to say goodbye to more very special people tomorrow with.

Good friends and good food

Yesterday after my treatment I over to a long, lost friends house for dinner and she made the most amazing black bean and shrimp burrito thingies but I ate mine with tortilla chips since I can't have tortillas. Also, one of my other long lost friends and her beau came to dinner too. While we were eating we sat on the front porch and then stayed there for several hours just talking about all kinds of stuff including social issues and reminiscing about fun times of days gone by. I never really realized exactly how long 7 years is...the memories we were talking about seemed so long ago yet 7 years doesn't seem like that much time. How did that happen?

Anyways, I got home and was of course completely exhausted, after all I had just been out of my house for 10 consecutive hours for the first time since I had been released from the hospital and that my friends is a long time even if you aren't sick. Last night was a bad night and today has been a worse day, but like always I have trudged through it and managed to get out some.

Today I have been in pretty extreme pain, been running a fever of about 99.9 almost all day and been completely exhausted to the point of almost not being able to get out of bed. I have also been way more achy in my muscles than I have been in the past which was odd, because the achyness really just started going away about 2 days ago, guess it is back with a vengeance. And my stomach has been on fire. However, one of my friends posted on facebook that she had 2 extra tickets in the reserved section for the Catawba game today and I really wanted to go already because I won't get to go to any more games til when/if I move back here, plus I am totally bummed that I have to miss homecoming next week because we are leaving about an hour before the game starts :( Anyways, I couldn't pass up the free tickets and I drug my sorry, weak, in pain but to the game and I had fun the first half. I also really wanted to go because I was in the inaugural year of the Catawba Pride drum-line as the cymbal captain and it has since evolved into a pep band, and now a full fledged marching band (this season) with drill and a color guard and uniforms and I hadn't seen their field show yet and really wanted to see the first years field show really bad. So into the second quarter a bit I had to go to the bathroom...NOW...so I went and then came back and loved the band's show, they looked and sounded amazing. Then the 3rd quarter starts and I'm like ok I can make it it will be ok. Then the pain comes and it is intense, I had seen several people from church there so I asked around for some tylenol and found some (I can't take advil or asprin because it can mess with my colitis so it has to be tylenol). But the pain isn't going away and I'm getting very cold which is weird since I have a fever. Then the fourth quarter starts and the game is tied mind you 21-21 and I just can't take it anymore but I don't want to leave until someone anyone scores so I can see how the last quarter may go. But I was in too much pain, so I get all my stuff together and leave while on the way to the car Mars Hill scores a touchdown. When I get home to check the score it is tied again 28-28 and they are going into overtime. Mars Hill ended up winning by a field goal but they are also the only undefeated team in the SEC right now so Catawba definitely put up a fight and I made it through 3.25 quarters of the game, which is honestly more than I expected. And the seats were great, thanks Dee! :)

So then I came home and took a nap before dinner which was at my friend that also came to dinners last night's house tonight. Tonight was a dinner party so there were about 15 people there, most of them kids and it was a blast. Not to mention the adult meal was chicken Parmesan, eggplant Parmesan, pasta, salad, and broccoli/cheese casserole and it was all delicious. I said I wasn't going to stay very long but ended up staying about 4 hours. When I am around other people I lose track of time and I really don't hurt as bad when I'm out and about. I was definitely still in some significant pain and the 3 people that were at the dinner the night before could definitely tell a difference in my demeanor and could tell I felt bad. Now I am laying in bed trying to get this written because I promised I would write every day...stuffed to the max...and feeling like a pile of crap.

I really hope I will feel tons better in the morning because there is no way I am missing my last opportunity to go to FBC-Salisbury for a while. I can't believe that I am leaving at the end of this week and won't be here another Sunday. But it is true. I have to accept it and move on and trust God in His plan. I have been so spoiled by great food and friends this past week and will totally continue to be throughout this week. I have almost all my meals planned with very special people. I can't wait to totally rock out this last week in Salisbury, after all I can rest when I get to Indiana, right? Isn't that why I am going there? I suppose I should rest some here too...but for right now I am going to focus on the happy times that will come this week and the good friends and good food and not think about what is happening at the end of the week as much as possible.

Re-birthdays

So today is the day that I say is my official date of being saved. I had been in and out of church and helped with stuff but had never really had a relationship with God, or at least no where near the way I did now. I am not sure I even believed in God, but I definitely do now. Especially right now. So anyways, eight years ago today, I went to an amazing church named St Andrews-Mount Pleasant to a Wednesday night service which is now, I don't remember if it was then, called Face2Face. It is a service that is full of contemporary music, dance, people painting pictures that are 'inspired', preaching, teaching, testimonies, and friends, and of course food because what church event is not complete without food. I went with my all time, ever, favorite teacher who taught me more about life and how to live it than she did about environmental science, which was a ton. I still keep in contact with her and love that we have developed a friendship that has survived moves and busyness. I credited her then with saving my life, at least my happiness in life...now I credit doctors and God with saving my life. October 14th will always be my favorite day of the year.

When most people are asked what their favorite holiday is they usually say their birthday or Christmas or Thanksgiving, mine is always October 14th, my re-birthday. At that church service, when I was feeling so down on myself and depressed, which I think is pretty normal for any teenage girl who thinks the entire world sucks and is against her and nothing at all is going right (even though she is really blessed beyond belief), I felt God. This was not a normal church, this church was hopping. People were dancing, praising, raising their hands worshiping their God. People had this look of joy on their faces I had never seen before. I could tell that there was a God and He was in this place. The "teaching" was something about people who think they can't be saved and can't be forgiven and seemed to speak directly to me. Then the praise team played the song "Open the Eyes of my Heart Lord" and I literally felt God beside me holding my hand and I knew that I needed to have a relationship with the God that these people were worshiping, the God that was in this place.

When I decided to attend Catawba officially in February of 2004, I immediately began counting down the number of times I would get to attend the 'best church ever'. Now after being in Salisbury for 7 years, almost my entire 'Christian' walk time and attending the 'best church ever' for the past five years in First Baptist Salisbury, I am faced with counting the number of times I get to go and the sadness that fills my heart when I think about having to leave it. Side note: in my mind both St Andrews and First Baptist are both the 'best church ever' still because they were the best church for me at the place I was in my walk with Jesus. I needed the on fire passion in the beginning so that I would stay hooked and engaged and soak it up. I needed the deep theology and preaching and family of First Baptist now. But I know that God will find me a new "best church ever" in Terre Haute, maybe this is God's way of telling me that I am at a new place in my walk with Jesus, maybe I needed to be forced to move so I found a new church where I can grow more spiritually. Maybe I got to complacent in Salisbury. Maybe I wasn't focused enough on my relationship with God. I feel like the past month in a half I have gotten so much closer to God it isn't even funny, and that wouldn't have happened with out all these trials.

When I was eating lunch with a friend the other day she said I am amazed at your ability to stay positive and focused on God when you have been through so much in your life when I have it pretty good and I can see blessings all over the place and have a hard time even getting up to go to church or spend time with God, I don't get it. I told her that it's probably because I have to be focused on God all the time to get me through it. It's like the story I posted on Monday about the paralytic when Jesus says at the end of the story in Luke 5:31-32, " The healthy don't need a doctor, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." We do need Jesus/God when things are going well but we don't always remember it, the past almost 2 years now I have needed God to get through every single second of every single day. To give me the strength to get out of bed, to give me the ability not to focus on my disease every second, to give me the courage not let it identify me. Eight years ago I would not have thought like this, eight years ago I was so immature in my faith and so immature in general. I am joyful and peaceful in this journey because that is what God calls us to do...and because i know that the church is a hospital for sinners and I am one and I also know that it is a hospital for the sick and He will heal me.

As I write this, I am at my favorite-sarcasm-place ever...the hospital, CMC Northeast, where I almost died. But I am celebrating my re-birthday, I am also celebrating a different kind of almost re-birthday. I am getting my treatment that makes me feel all better. That will hopefully heal my colon enough for me to not have to have it removed. It takes about 3 or 4 hours so I figured I could do this while I was receiving it. My treatments are a very expensive drug (5000 per infusion) that I get on a regular basis. I was receiving them every 2 months now this is the second one in 2 weeks. They just told me I need to get another one in 6 weeks. Then we will see about 2 months. But right now this is the only hope until we start the new drugs in Indiana for healing my colon...and it works pretty well. I am convinced the only reason I got so sick is because we had to postpone my last Remicade because of the surgery I had in August, we got off schedule and that caused more damage. And God is in the healing business, so this will work. Plus the fact that since my last one 2 or 3 weeks ago I feel SO much better in terms of my stomach issues, not some other stuff, but the stomach is great. I am still having symptoms but no where near as many. So all these hospital visits and dr's appointments and medications and things like that really are like mini re-birthdays in themselves, the day they tell me I am healed enough to not need these treatments or to not worry about the surgery anymore will be another day that will be my favorite day of the year when asked. I don't know when my health re-birthday will be because we don't know when the dr's will tell me that, but hopefully it will be soon. The doctor just told me that surgery is not off the radar yet but if I stick with my Remicade and steroids and make sure to eat right and take care of myself it could be, at least for a while. So that is the plan, to get to have a new re-birthday. To get to see my Father that is in the business of miracles show off again and heal my body. I know it is easy for Him and I know He could have done it by now, but I know He is doing it this way to teach me something and protect me and I wouldn't have it any other way. So today I am celebrating my spiritual re-birthday and hoping and praying for my physical re-birthday expectantly, trusting God the entire way with joy and peace. :)

be still and know that I am God

So...anyone that knows me knows that I've never been a lay in bed, watch tv, play on the computer ALL day type of person. In fact I've never been a be in my apartment more than an hour at a time person unless it was sleep time. I am a people person, I am be out and about outside, around town person. I am a person that always has 14 commitments to 15 people at a time person. I am not a sit still and rest person. This is probably why last week when I finally got out of the hospital after 12 days and laying in bed the whole time with very few but very loved visitors I way over did it. That is probably why this week I have felt like crap.

Today was the first day, ever in the history of my life I think, I rested like the entire day. The only thing I did today was went to Wendy's for dinner because I didn't feel like cooking. I also sold some more of my stuff. PS if anyone needs a wahser/dryer or a futon hit me up because I need them sold. People keep telling me to rest and get better. But seriously how healthy can it be to sit in your house alone all day. It is boring and I am becoming way too addicted to social media. Like way too addicted. However, it is what I have to do to get better.

People are also telling me to slow down in terms of figuring out what I want to do with my life. Try to figure out what God wants me to do. To, "be still and know that I am God." But as I said earlier I am not one of those sit in one place for too long people. This is hard. I really think I got this sick for a reason. I think that my potassium crashed making me too weak to move much in the day for a reason. Because I was always trying to so many things to so many people I never got to help or do things for myself. Now I can't do things for myself. And it kills me. I hate asking people for help, especially for help doing things that I can't repay. But right now I need that kind of help and I just have to sit back and watch it all happen. I have to sit back and watch my house be packed for me, my house be cleaned for me, and know that it's okay because I will repay it in the future even if it is not to the same people. I have to sit back and be still and know that I am God. Know that all my bills will be paid even if they are in the thousands of dollars and I have no money. I have to sit back and know that all my needs will be provided for and know that it will probably be done abundantly and more than I deserve.

I, for the first time in my life, have to sit back and not be the one being so many things to so many people and let people take care of me. I have to get better. I have to be nursed to health right now. I have to trust that all my needs will be met and just relax in the palm of my Father who will take care of everything for me. It is not easy for me but it will be done. Plus, I have to be at least a little bit better by January so I make it through my classes :) YAY! :)

Good days and bad days

So I haven't written since Monday and the reason that I've been telling myself I haven't written since Monday is because I haven't felt good, at all. And I really have been trying to keep the vibe of this blog as positive as possible. But one of my friends who reads my blog called me out on it, and told me hey you haven't done your blog and I'm like because I'm sick right now and I am mad at my health and I'm scared I'm going to have to go back to the hospital and I don't want to write about that. He said that is a big part of your blog though, I mean the whole reason I'm starting over is because of my health. I have to write on the bad days too. Because truth be told I will have good days but my bad days, for right now, will probably outnumber my good days because I am really sick, even though all of you keep telling me I look good. But my sick is on the inside of my body and even though I look good, which I work really hard at...I feel horrible. I am achy, I have headaches a lot more now, I am very weak, I am exhausted all the time. All this getting out and stuff that I am doing to keep from going mentally insane in my house alone all day is probably not helping because it takes so much dang energy.

Anyways, yesterday was a really bad day, it was a really scary day for me too. I was never in any 'danger' per se but it was scary. My stomach started acting up for the first time since I've been out of the hospital and I spiked a 100.4 degree fever. My legs would not work, if I stood up I would almost collapse and my hands were constantly shaking. Since I've been out of the hospital I have been insatiably hungry and yesterday for the most part I could care less about food but knew I had to eat at least breakfast, lunch, and dinner because I have believe it or not gained 9 pounds this week and didn't want to mess up my progress. But when all of your symptoms start coming back from the thing that just put you in the hospital for 12 days and the dr's said you almost didn't make it through...you get scared...when you have not just one or two but three chronic diseases that could easily put you in the hospital at any second if you're not careful you get scared...when you really can't take care of yourself and live by yourself you get scared. Living one day at a time, not knowing what the next day, or hour even brings healthwise is scary...but it's my life...and I'm not the only one who lives it. I am not the only person in the world that is chronically ill and I won't be the last. But it is my life and at times...on the bad days it is scary. But I make it through the bad days so that I can live to see the good days. The days where I can get out for four hours and enjoy some time with my friends from church. The days that I know I will have in the future because I could have died 2 weeks ago and I didn't...which means there is a reason I'm here...so I know I have some future even if it is limited...no one knows the day they will die really.

So I will try to write even on the bad days because those are the days that I need support and those are the days that I need prayers the most. Last night was really bad, I had a high fever (but not high enough to go back to the hospital) I had to go to the bathroom 6 times between 11 pm and 8 am, literally...I kept track. But today I rested pretty much all day. I only went to lunch with a friend, and went to church tonight. I have felt a little better but not really. But I wanted to go to church because now I only have this Sunday and Wednesday to go then that is it for a while...I still don't feel good but I need to see people laying in bed feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me better, although overdoing it isn't either.

I need to find the balance in my life between the good days and the bad days, the balance between the getting out and resting. It is something I am working on. But things continue to be working out perfectly for right now and I can literally feel God holding me throughout the whole process. It has been a beautiful journey so far and will continue to be. Oh yeah, and today I got my official acceptance letter to community college so at least next semester is a go. And we will see what God has in store for after that...for right now I need to go rest...and hope that tomorrow I have a good day :)